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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28665354">Her Crumbling Preservation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhmwhat/pseuds/uhmwhat'>uhmwhat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rizzoli &amp; Isles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Unresolved Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:34:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,929</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28665354</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhmwhat/pseuds/uhmwhat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of the siege at BPD Headquarters ignited a spiral of chaos. The ripple effects tore through Maura and she slowly sank into a vicious cycle of conservancy to salvage what was left of herself. Retake on 2x01 and forward.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maura Isles/Jane Rizzoli</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Lend Me Some Fresh Air</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This idea has been tormenting me since the initial airing of 2x01, which was almost 10 years ago. Good golly, where has the time gone? This story won't be long as it'll probably cap at 7-8 chapters, if that. I hope it reads like I think it does and that you all enjoy it. Thanks in advance for any and all support. Best of luck to your 2021 and may it be filled with good health, happiness, and new experiences!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><hr/><p>Two thousand, one hundred ninety-one and forty-five hundredth hours have passed since she has last seen Jane. Ninety-one and twenty-five hundredth days since Maura has spoken a word to her best friend. Thirteen and three hundredth weeks was the most she has ever gone without any physical contact since Jane and the Rizzoli's came into her life. It has been three months of complete distance and total emotional detachment from everyone except the dead bodies that came across her table or Bass.</p><p>Maura stayed at the hospital, every day, until both Rizzoli siblings were out of the woods. She comforted Angela and Frank Sr. in the waiting room. Talked Korsak and Frost's ears off about the statistical probability of Jane surviving a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Constantly micromanaged the doctors, nurses, and everyone else in between. Subtle threats went a long way, apparently. She wore herself to the ground—about eleven pounds unhealthily lighter. The energy and brain capacity to remember to eat or sleep was exhausted from fussing over her best friend.</p><p>Jane.</p><p>Resilient, hard-headed, inconsiderate, and brave. Always dove head first without hesitation. It made it hard to wait up for her at night. It made it hard to expect Jane to come back to her, unscathed. It made it hard to love the brunette with no inhibitions. And God, did Maura love her with all she had. It was too much, too fast. Too sudden. Too much to bear. Confusing, fulfilling, heartbreaking. What the hell did she get herself into?</p><p>But eventually, Jane woke up. Heavy, groggy brown eyes fluttered opened and everything Maura thought she rationally compartmentalized, shattered. Jane smiled softly at her as if she didn't forcibly make Bobby Marino put a 40-caliber bullet into her own abdomen. Maura had a surge of anguish and anger swell in her chest. She had to get out of there. So she walked out on tired legs with as much poise, dignity, and energy she had left. Maura hasn't looked back in three months.</p><p>In fact, since then, Maura revamped and reorganized her entire life. Professionally, she claimed it was for efficacy and the Governor's office didn't hesitate to approve her new plan. She spent less time in the Boston M.E.'s lab and decided to equally distribute her skills across the Commonwealth. With reserved funds from surplus squirreled away from previous years, she was able to hire more assistants and lab techs. Within a couple of weeks, Maura sufficiently covered all lapses and gaps in duties by properly staffing all the major medical examiner's offices. Her success and closure rate skyrocketed. Not just in Boston, but across Massachusetts.</p><p>All without Jane.</p><p>Personally? She was a flailing and partially drowning toddler that got pushed into the deep end of a fifteen-foot-deep Olympic sized pool. She balked at all attempts of friendly and familial conversations. Cried herself to sleep and reverted back to eating lunch in her office or going home to eat in solitude. Her gold membership to every local and commercial retailer was upgraded to platinum—so much so that the second guest bedroom was now a full-sized walk-in closet.</p><p>Hours, days, and weeks passed and the heaviness and exhaustion vanished. What replaced it was visceral hatred and belligerent disregard of acceptable social behavior. She lashed out if people asked too many questions. Maura hated the words 'are you okay' and 'I'm here for you.' She felt like a caged animal. Everyone watched her every step. Checked on her every time she so much as blinked. It was suffocating her to the point of constant hyperventilation, which only fueled her anger. There was only so much constant poking and prodding she could handle.</p><p>Maura really thought that she could continue life without Jane. Genuinely believed that she would be better off without the stress of having to constantly worry about Jane's safety and life. As time progressed and weeks turned into months, Maura began to truly think that she had gotten over Jane. Gotten over the incessant need to be near her and be comforted by her. She, honest to God, felt like Jane's stupidity was the detox she needed to get over her reliance.</p><p>Until Cavanaugh and the Governor half-ordered and half-persuaded her to convince Jane to attend the Hero Ceremony. The brass of Boston needed to ensure and stabilize the relationship between the public and law enforcement. With the debacle of dirty cops and inside jobs plastered across the Boston Globe, a surety of transparency was a necessity to quell the rising uproar within the community. Jane was their poster child and they needed Maura to make sure she showed up. Fractured friendship be damned.</p><p>That's how she ended up standing in front of Jane's apartment with her fist raised to knock on the door. She could hear the QVC channel blasting from the living room. Maura rolled her eyes and knew that Jane was most likely in her "chill clothes" eating something obscenely sugary on the couch. What she wasn't prepared for was the sight of her best friend, whom she had fallen in love with while the detective laid unconscious in the back of an ambulance, to be sickly looking. It had been three months and Jane still looked like she was fresh out of the hospital.</p><p>"You took terrible," Maura deadpanned.</p><p>"What do you want?" Jane snarled.</p><p>"You're making everyone late." Maura rolled her eyes as she pushed her way inside the stale, cluttered apartment. She hadn't meant to let the door slam shut behind her, but she didn't apologize or regret that it did. Maura hadn't even realized that she pulled the door handle so roughly that it jammed against her fingertips. Warm, prickles of soreness thumped within shaky hands. Clenching and unclenching fists helped her regulate and rein in her growing temper.</p><p>"Even you'd look bad if a bullet had gone through you," Jane snarked.</p><p>"Well, I definitely would have done more in three months than become a platinum member of the shopping channel." Hypocrite.</p><p>Maura strutted down the hall into an equally and disastrously messy bedroom. She wrinkled her nose in disgust, but made her way to Jane's abnormally small closet. Wrapped in a Brooks Brothers garment bag, she grabbed the detective's dress blues. Maura spun on her heels only to misstep over haphazardly thrown work boots and crumpled jeans. Bracing herself on the wall, she finally took a good look at her surroundings.</p><p>The sheets were wrinkled and rumpled beyond repair. Underwear, socks, and bras were strewn all over the room. Dirty t-shirts and jeans littered every square-inch of the hardwood floors, making it almost impossible to not step on them. Empty chip bags and soda cans were carelessly tossed in the direction of the small trash bin, but never made it inside. The lampshade was askew and the television was adjusted to give Jane the most painless and perfect angle to watch anything sideways.</p><p>"Oh, it is disgusting in here!" Maura yelled.</p><p>"Get. Out."</p><p>The blonde whipped around. Furrowed brows and squinted eyes took in the crooked stance of the usually confident brunette. A long arm was clutching a thin waist as if to hold herself upright, but Jane's face had a look of pure pain and anger.</p><p>"No. Put this on." She thrusted her arms outwards and the garment bag grazed against tanned arms. Maura ignored the evident signs of physical discomfort. She had worked so hard on trying to not care about Jane if she wasn't going to return the sentiment. Too much effort and heartbreak had gone into hardening herself as a means of self-preservation.</p><p>"Maura, don't pretend like you give a shit about me. I haven't seen you in months." Jane snatched the garment bag out of her arms and stomped to the bathroom. The slamming door made the blonde jump in surprise, but it did not pacify the storm that was brewing. The audacity, petulance, and selfishness was astounding.</p><p>"Get dressed. We're late as it is." Avoidance. Guilt. Hurt. Anger. Resentment. Love. Loathing.</p><p>"Get outta my business!" Jane screamed through the shut door.</p><p>"You are my business!" Maura shouted back regretfully.</p><p>"Oh for fuck's sake. You can't have your cake and eat it too, Princess." Jane yanked the door open and practically side checked her out of the way. Maura's back hit the wall and she watched as Jane kicked the clutter around to find her only pair of polished black shoes. The blonde huffed out a breath of frustration and judgement at Jane's indignant manner of shoving her feet into pre-tied shoes. The blonde cringed as Jane's heel folded and creased the backs of Italian leather as she tried to force her foot inside.</p><p>Maura didn't move to help. She watched Jane struggle. Medically, she was aware that it was most likely painful for Jane to bend down and properly put her dress shoes on. It was obvious when the unruly brunette gasped in agony when she tried to crouch down to adjust the tongue of hard, patent leather. Personally, there was a sadistic part of her that relished in Jane's discomfort and pain. Self-inflicted gunshot wound punishment. Served her right considering what she put everyone through.</p><p>"Looks like you're about ready. A car is waiting for us downstairs." Maura walked out, knowing that Jane would follow. Usually, the brunette was never more than six inches away from her. Usually, Jane guided her everywhere by resting a strong hand at the base of her spine. Usually, Jane never hesitated or failed to provide her with reassurance.</p><p>But 'usually' didn't exist between them anymore. She made sure of that.</p><p>So when she got to the front door and Jane was staring at her from the bedroom doorway, Maura froze. The expectation, that Jane would follow her blindly and without question, was unmet. She couldn't hide the disappointment or pang of hurt that stabbed her heart—even if she tried. Jane was rooted to the floor and Maura didn't think to stop and check. She was miles ahead.</p><p>"I'm not goin' anywhere with you." Jane crossed her arms. Face stoic and walls as high as skyscrapers.</p><p>"Jane, we don't have time for—"</p><p>"There is no 'we', Maura." Jane stared confidently and maliciously at her. Indifference and indignation wafted from her attitude.</p><p>"You don't get to be this way! Y-you fucked off and ruined everything!" Freckled cheeks burned red and an accusatory hand violently pointed towards a soon-to-be explosively angry detective.</p><p>"I did not 'fuck off', I fucked up." Jane stalked aggressively towards her and before Maura knew it, they were nose to nose. Once again, she was backed up against the wall. Long, lean arms slammed against the wall beside her head. She was trapped between a furiously agitated body and a solid, unmoving structure. The coolness of the plaster against the backs of her calves grounded her.</p><p>"Don't patronize me, Jane." Maura stared right back into obsidian eyes. The atmosphere was electric. All senses were heightened and both of them were hyper fixated on one another. Maura felt all vellus hairs stand to attention as she Jane's breath whispered across her lips.</p><p>"Let me repeat myself, I did not 'fuck off'. I was right here, this whole time, waitin' for you. I called you. I emailed and texted you. I even wrote you a motherfucking letter, Maura!" Jane growled, and after minutes of contentious silence, her shoulders eventually deflated. Maura felt a warmer than usual forehead against hers and hazel eyes fluttered shut. "There's a difference. I did not fuck off, baby. I fucked up."</p><p>A solitary tear ran down her cheek, which broke the dam. Hot, burning streams flowed freely and unhidden from hawk-like eyes. Her body shook and convulsed against the wounded woman in front of her. Maura's sobs came from somewhere deep inside of her and were clawing their way out. Her throat was sore and her chest ached. The black blazer she had on was stifling and suffocating. Silk was sticking to her back like a second skin.</p><p>"I can't do this right now." Maura hiccuped and with as much grace as she could, wiped the black smudges from beneath her eyes.</p><p>"Now is a perfect time," Jane whispered frustratingly.</p><p>"Later, please," Maura pleaded. Her voice was cracking and her shoulders were still shaking. They were already so late. Another fifteen minutes and they'd miss the entirety of opening and honorary speeches. The Governor and Cavanaugh would have her ass. "Come home with me? Afterwards?"</p><p>"You gonna yell at me?"</p><p>"Are you going to give me a reason to do so?" A sad smile graced quivering lips. Shivers still racked her body, but Jane was helping her stay upright. Like she always has and would continue to do. That was the problem.</p><p>"Probably," Jane replied honestly.</p><p>"Then, yes. But come anyways?"</p><p>"I'll be there."</p><hr/><p>Later never happened. In fact, it had been days since she had last seen Jane. The explosion, the investigation of the death of Private First Class Sherman, and Jane's incessant need to insert herself in everything overwhelmed the already spent doctor. Her heels dragged along the even pavement to her front door. Angela had long turned in for bed and Maura was left to her own devices in her deafeningly silent home.</p><p>She was alone—until she realized she wasn't.</p><p>The range hood light was on. A habit that she loathed, but quickly accepted when Jane started to spend the night after too much beer and wine. Or after a long day at work. Or when she just felt like staying over. Worn sneakers were messily placed on the shoe mat by the door. A black bomber jacket was barely hanging onto the hook it was thrown onto. Maura scanned her open floor plan for any signs of Jane.</p><p>The tip of a loose white sock caught her attention. Jane's long legs were stretched out on the couch with her feet dangling off the side. Sweatpants rose up her legs, wedged between the couch arm and the backs of Jane's knees. Ankles and calves were exposed, leaving tanned, soft skin showing.</p><p>"Late night?" Jane crossed her arms behind her head.</p><p>"Jane, I'm really not in the mood," Maura huffed.</p><p>"You've been avoiding me. Again," Jane sing-songed.</p><p>"Well, you've been too busy for me." Maura winced as soon as the words were said. It left a bitter taste in her mouth and she could feel the anger surging in her chest. She hadn't meant to say it and she thought that she could bite her tongue. However, the words tumbled out before she could stop herself. For once, Maura didn't think before she spoke. It was a new concept. One she didn't think she'd like. But the fish out of water reaction she got from Jane gave her a renewed sense of invigoration.</p><p>"I-I, what do you mean?" Jane sat up. No sign of pain. Flushed cheeks. A natural glow. Odd considering the jaundice color the brunette had six days ago.</p><p>"Increased blood flow. Rush of endorphins. You feel less pain today, don't you?"</p><p>"What're you talkin' about?" Jane avoided eye contact.</p><p>"You had sex," Maura spat out.</p><p>"W-we did not have se—I mean we almost had—it's really none of your business," Jane yelled.</p><p>"I need you to leave," Maura demanded strongly. The jealousy was blinding. The hurt was evident. The betrayal was fresh. Maura couldn't stand to look at Jane when she had a bounce in her step. The brunette wore her heart on her sleeve and it was making Maura sick.</p><p>"But you said we could talk!"</p><p>"On my terms. Please, see yourself out." Cold as ice. Shunned.</p><p>Maura turned the range hood light off. Her heels clicked against the hardwood floor and she forgot her nightly bordeaux as she briskly walked to her bedroom. Jane knew how to leave on her own. Knew how to open and shut her front door. There was no need to walk her out. If Jane wasn't going to give her the time of day, why should she return the favor?</p><p>As she sat on the edge of her bed, Maura cringed when she realized that she was still in her day clothes. It was a pet peeve to wear outside and most likely contaminated clothes on her bed. She always changed or showered before stepping anywhere near her pristine mattress. Toeing her heels off, the blonde didn't bother to put them away as she dragged herself to the master bathroom.</p><p>Earrings were carefully removed and placed in the crystal dish on her bathroom sink. The matching necklace and her Ballon Bleu de Cartier followed. Maura stared at herself in the mirror before rolling her neck. The cricks and cracks were nearly orgasmic as the sensation rippled down to the center of her spine. She was tense.</p><p>Just not tense enough to miss the sound of rustling sheets coming from her bed. Obviously, Jane did not heed to her demand. The opening and snapping of the lone chapstick tube from the nightstand on the left side of the bed echoed in her otherwise quiet room. Metal and wood grated against each other as Jane yanked the nightstand drawer open, presumably looking for her iPad or any of the personal effects left inside. The whispered curse gave Maura a vindictive sense of satisfaction.</p><p>All of Jane's things were now housed in a banker's box that has been stored in her attic for the last three months. She couldn't come home and be bombarded with reminders of Jane's recklessness every time she needed to close her eyes. The iPad was carefully packed inside of sweatpants, t-shirts, and shorts. Frayed chargers and faded charging blocks were placed in a Ziploc bag for safe keeping. Maura preserved all of Jane's things, she just couldn't stand to look at them anymore. However, she couldn't part with the naked tube of Classic Chapstick, so it remained as the lone item on Jane's side of her bed.</p><p>Before she could open her mouth, Jane bolted to her side.</p><p>"Where's all my stuff?" A solemn, bashful Jane tugged at her heartstrings.</p><p>"In the attic." Terse and detached. To the point.</p><p>"Outta sight, outta mind?" Jane leaned against the door jamb and practically blocked any possibility of escaping this conversation.</p><p>"What did you want me to do? Wallow?" Maura rolled her eyes and the anger returned full force.</p><p>"Are you mad about Casey?" Jane's big brown eyes bored into her.</p><p>"Who you sleep with is none of my business." Maura placed her palms on the edge of the countertop and leaned against them. She bowed her head until her chin touched her chest. Exhaustion was seeping into her every breath. Her arms and legs were heavy with stress. Her chest felt like there was a never ending expanding balloon inside. It was starting to make her nauseous as her mind took her back to Jane's blushing excitement over Lieutenant Colonel Jones.</p><p>"But I am your business," Jane replied. "You said so yourself."</p><p>"Not ten minutes ago, you told me to mind my own business. So clearly, what I say or want, is irrelevant."</p><p>Maura turned her back to Jane and started her shower. After closing the frameless glass door with more force than she'd like, she began unzipping her skirt. As it fell to the ground, she gracefully pulled her blouse off and bent to pick up the discarded clothing. Jane never moved from her spot, even as Maura folded her clothes and placed them on top of the marble counter.</p><p>Knowing that this was as undressed as she could be until Jane inevitably left, Maura continued to disrobe in hopes to expedite the brunette's leaving process. Or at least that's what she told herself. Maura unclasped her bra. She fully expected Jane to groan and close her eyes in embarrassment. But most importantly, she knew that it would make Jane vacate the bathroom premises in a heartbeat.</p><p>As the straps slid down her arms and softly thudded onto heated tiles, Maura hooked her thumbs into the sides of the hunter green lace and pulled. Her hips shimmied and soon, she was completely nude. In front of Jane. For the first time ever. Confidence poured out of her. Maura knew she looked good. Worked hard for it and had every right to be naked in her own home.</p><p>Redness still furiously appeared on her cheeks, traveled down to her chest, and stopped right above her pelvis. She gently pried the shower door open and was met with immediate warmth. The steam instantly calmed her and still, Jane remained rooted to her spot.</p><p>"Good, you've trapped yourself. Now you hafta talk to me." Jane walked confidently into the bathroom and slid effortlessly onto the countertop. Out of her periphery, Maura watched as Jane rotated her body to fully lean against the wall and swung her legs across the length of the sink. Lanky legs adjusted awkwardly until she found a comfortable position.</p><p>"You know, I can ignore you just as well from the inside of the shower too, right?" Maura washed shampoo out of her hair and applied the first layer of conditioner. As she let it soak into her hair, she ran the soapy loofah down her arms before bending down to her ankles.</p><p>"You're too polite of a person to ignore me. And the fact of the matter is that you really do wanna to talk to me. You're just bein' hard headed. If you have somethin' to say, just say it so we can go back to being friends."</p><p>Maura let the wild assumptions sink in. She allowed herself the time to process the overly simplistic rationalization of why Jane believed she was behaving this way. Jane was clearly feeling her oats. The presumptions that Jane had about understanding an ounce of what she was feeling despite not having had a real conversation in three months was dumbfounding. The brunette's usual tenacity used to impress and excite her. But in this moment—in this very moment—it grated on every nerve she had.</p><p>It was time to rinse.</p><p>"What you did was reckless. It was irresponsibly unnecessary and quite potentially the most ornery thing you've ever done." Maura was way past yelling. She was calm, collected, and calculated. She did not raise her voice nor did she stutter or stammer. Confidence and conviction laced every heated and heartfelt word. In her mind, she pictured this moment. But not once did she think that she'd be strong enough to say it. Or naked, for that matter.</p><p>"Is that it?" Jane twirled her hair around her finger. Dismissive.</p><p>"No. And that's a sign of sexual frustration," Maura pointed out.</p><p>"Yeah, yeah. Or I got tangled hair."</p><p>The droning of water falling stopped. Maura used the squeegee, suction cupped to the upper right of the glass door, to wipe the excess water from the tiles and the built up condensation on the glass doors. She aggressively yanked the door open and grabbed a towel from the warmer. Jane remained seated as she quickly pat dried her body. Hanging the wet material on the vacant rack, Maura pulled the matching terry cloth dress over her head and pulled it down her body. A microfiber cloth was used to dry her hair and without a glance back, she exited the bathroom.</p><p>"You're dangerous." Maura sat on the edge of the bed. Clean and deep in thought. Her body swayed as Jane flopped onto the bed behind her.</p><p>"How so?"</p><p>"You don't think about the consequences of your actions. It makes it hard to trust you." Soft and harsh. The perfect dichotomy.</p><p>"So because I shot myself, you don't trust me?" Incredulity was Jane's forte.</p><p>Maura stood and retrieved the small tub of Crème de la Mer on her vanity. Jane would generally mock her, at this point, for slathering $2,475 worth of lotion all over her body when she could spend $10 at the local drug store for twenty times the amount of product. And save on shipping, insurance, and foreign taxes. Nonetheless, Maura applied it routinely and Jane always nabbed a scoop to moisturize her hands and wrists.</p><p>"As a result of your actions, I am less inclined to put any additional stock into our relationship. You always taught me that trust can be earned, but it can also be lost." Maura twisted the lid of the tub closed and sat in front of her vanity. Toner, then anti-aging serum, face moisturizer, and eye cream were waiting for her in that specific order. The silicone spatula was removed from its case and she began gently swiping the second product in her assembly-line onto freckled skin.</p><p>"You don't wanna be friends anymore?" Jane whispered.</p><p>"I didn't say that," Maura quickly responded.</p><p>"Maur, you're not really sayin' all that much either." Indignant Jane made a comeback.</p><p>"Jane—" This wasn't going how she wanted it to. The detective had too many questions and retorts. Maura was already in a vulnerable state, both physically and emotionally. Exhaustion outweighed the anger she wanted to feel. It was too much effort to constantly carry that around and use it against Jane. Especially when the brunette was lying fully-clothed and comfortably on the wrong side of the bed, while Maura was practically still naked from the shower Jane watched her take.</p><p>It was making her other feelings surface. The ones she didn't want Jane to know or realize.</p><p>"Just say it already, will ya? You're killin' me here." Jane sagged completely against her pillows.</p><p>"It hurts to be around you. It also makes me violently nauseous. Every time I look at you, I want to simultaneously cause you great bodily harm and hug you until I suffocate you. That's not normal." Maura was exasperated.</p><p>Her nightly routine was finished. She laid on her bed, on Jane's side, so they could hash this out. It was now or never. She'd never find the gumption to voice any of this if she didn't do it now. Her sanity depended on this.</p><p>"So what do you suggest?" The yelling began.</p><p>"I—"</p><p>"Spit it the fuck out, would ya?!" Jane shot up from the bed and winced. Maura watched as a hand clutched the wounded side, but the strong finger waving in her face prevented her from making a comment.</p><p>The yelling. The cursing. The waving finger. The anguish. The growing nausea. Her heart was racing and she could feel the heat rush to her face. It was too much, too soon. Again. She knew that the moment she uttered these words, everything would change. Maura thought that she was ready. Really believed that she thought this through thoroughly. But now faced with the possibility of losing Jane, she wasn't so sure.</p><p>But ultimately, she needed to say it. Not for Jane. Not for the Rizzoli's. Not for the sake of their professional relationship. Maura needed to say it for herself. She owed herself that much.</p><p>"I don't want to see you for a while."</p><p>"What do you mean?" Jane's voice was low and gravelly. Borderline murderous.</p><p>"I need you to stop coming to my house—uninvited. I need space. We need boundaries. I-I can't be this close to you anymore."</p><p>"So I was right," Jane roared. "You don't wanna be my friend anymore."</p><p>"That's not—"</p><p>"Save it, Maura. I guess I should've fucked off, like you asked."</p><p>"Jane—"</p><p>"I make one mistake and this is the shit I gotta deal with?!" Jane's hands flew into the air, gesticulating violently.</p><p>The fucking nerve. Maura saw red. Bile rose in her throat. Anxiety made her hands shake and her legs were vibrating. She tried clenching and unclenching her fists to soothe the hurricane of emotions Jane just stirred up. Her breathing exercises couldn't match the ragged, angry breaths of air she kept inhaling and exhaling. It made her chest burn. It made everything hurt. But she couldn't focus on anything but the red, searing anguish that was bubbling to the surface. It was blinding. It scorched every nerve ending she had and she couldn't control it anymore.</p><p>"Get the fuck out of my house, Jane. Leave your key and don't let the door hit you on the way out. Just please, get out!"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you caught the Bette Porter inspired dialogue, holla at ya girl. The title is from Not the Doctor by Alanis Morissette.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Price for Your Paradise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been weeks since they've spoken more than fleeting words to one another that didn't end in hostility. There was always someone else present if tensions rose to unmanageable levels. Frost and Korsak were used as buffers. Angela, Frankie, and Tommy were always awkwardly trying to stay out of the drama that escalated to polite screaming matches or digs that went straight for the jugular.</p><p>When they eventually adjusted to the new way their professional relationship worked and their lack of a personal one, Maura was able to avoid seeing Jane on a daily basis. Her new mandates and protocols as Chief Medical Examiner had her traveling to different parts of the Commonwealth that she would have previously delegated. There was a stretch of time where she spent just about a fortnight in the Berkshires and as soon as she was done, she was on her way back east to Lowell. Maura barely had time to run back home to change her overnight bag.</p><p>Weeks turned into five months. Then Ian showed up.</p><p>They fell back into each other's arms the moment he knocked on her door. Maura didn't love him anymore, that much she knew. But it felt so good to be wanted and desired with no strings or baggage attached. It was even better because she didn't have to show or teach him how to make her moan. They got what they needed from each other and soon enough, he was on a plane back to the warzone he called home. Ian got what he wanted, physically and medicinally, and she got to feel whole and connected with someone, even if it was just for a few days.</p><p>Whilst changing the sheets to her bed, Maura jumped at the incessant ringing coming from her doorbell. She rolled her eyes, thinking that Ian must've forgotten something. Uncommon, but certainly not an impossibility. So when she opened the door, in just a silk robe that fell right past her upper thighs, she fully expected to see tall, muscular, Ian Faulkner with stubble growing on his face. Instead, she was met with a fuming, agitated Jane Rizzoli with her hair in a high ponytail.</p><p>Maura's arms dropped to her sides, which made the opening of her robe part deeper. The sash around her waist was barely holding both sides of silk together. She shuffled on her feet, suddenly uncomfortable with the inquisitive and accusatory glares Jane was giving her. Her thighs were still sore and she hadn't showered yet to wash away the residual rawness. It had been a while. The guilt and sudden vulnerable exposure was starting to climb its way up her chest.</p><p>"You gonna invite me in or not?" Jane suavely took her aviators off and crossed her arms.</p><p>"We discussed this. You cannot come here unannounced. <em>Uninvited</em>," Maura stressed.</p><p>"Well, I gotta tell ya," Jane barked. "The Brass don't like to hear about the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts <em>associating </em>with a known fugitive wanted by Interpol."</p><p>"Excuse me?" Busted. Absolutely and completely busted.</p><p>"You heard me, Princess." Jane nudged her head towards the inside of her house. Another silent request for an invitation.</p><p>"If there is an issue, then Lieutenant Cavanaugh and the Governor can contact me directly. Have a good night." She started to shut the door when a black boot intrusively shoved itself in the doorway. The strong arm slapped against solid oak aided in the prevention of slamming the door harshly in Jane's face.</p><p>"I can turn the sirens on and arrest you right here, in front of your bougie ass neighbors, or you can invite me in. Your choice." Danger and intimidation laced every word.</p><p>Maura stared at the no-holds-barred woman between the slim opening remaining ajar by an unwavering shoe. Jane never threatened unless she was ready to deliver. The detective had never been one for idle threats. The blonde knew that Jane could make this exponentially worse than it had to be. She wasn't thrilled about the social blackmail, but at this point, her hands were tied. Maura closed her eyes and nodded before she provoked the audacious brunette even more.</p><p>Jane confidently strolled through her front door as if she was still allowed in the confines of Maura's personal space. The blonde dragged her feet to the kitchen to arm herself with wine to prepare for the battle she knew would arise. While she normally wouldn't use alcohol as a crutch or to give herself liquid courage, Maura made an exception. She was bone tired and knew that when Jane left, she'd need the sedative effect of the wine to help her fall asleep.</p><p>Grabbing a Zalto Denk'Art glass, she paused before reaching for its twin. Jane didn't deserve to drink the new, young California cabernet Maura had overnighted nor did she deserve to experience the taste of it properly aerated and decanted. Maura knew that with younger wines, they needed time to breathe to allow the aromas and flavors that laid dormant to expand. So Maura only poured one glass and tightly lidded the decanter when she was finished. A little pettiness never hurt anyone.</p><p>The taste was absolutely beautiful, but the first sip burned down her throat and curdled in her stomach. With aromas of blackberry, huckleberry, and chocolate, it should have been divine. The hints of cardamom, mint, and cloves, should have been able to fly her, first-class, to the vineyard. But she nearly couldn't swallow it.</p><p>Forcing herself to gulp acrid liquified grapes, she dumped the rest of the contents of the glass down the drain. Jane's presence soured the taste. It made it bitter and rancid. The tannins gave her an immediate pounding in her head. Almost migraine worthy. Quickly rinsing the glass, Maura slid the delicate stem, upside down, in the wine rack to dry.</p><p>Maybe it was a tea night instead. Flicking on the glass electric kettle, Maura turned to offer Jane a cup only to find that she wasn't anywhere close. Instantly, Maura took off, as gracefully as she could in a robe so short, to the bedroom. Jane always had a penchant for knowing every little detail about her life, despite the ocean of space between them. The moment the detective saw her in less than appropriate attire, she knew that she'd been caught.</p><p>In the corner of her room was a chaise lounge. Jane sat on the edge of it as if the rest of the surface was contaminated, which honestly was a good call on the detective's part. The current disarray of her bed and her earlier romp, with Ian, on that specific piece of furniture came to the forefront of her mind. Jane didn't become the first woman and youngest officer promoted to detective by ignoring clues so obvious even Hellen Keller would've known what she had done. There was cold, hard evidence all throughout her master suite.</p><p>The bedroom was a wreck. Clothes and bedding were scattered all over. Her skirt and blouse had been discarded haphazardly and her heels were knocked on their side by the door. Panties and a matching bra were lying ruined in front of Jane's boots. There were a few empty condom wrappers in the trash bin and a bottle of lube on the nightstand.</p><p>Jane's nightstand, specifically.</p><p>"Never pegged you as a good girl who liked bad boys." Jane's voice was completely devoid of any emotion. It was neutral, but hard.</p><p>"Who said I was a good girl?" Maura crossed her arms and leaned against the door jamb.</p><p>Jane grimaced. But her face dropped even more when she looked at the bunched sheets tangled with the duvet. Pillows littered the perimeter of the bed and the fitted sheet was barely hanging onto the mattress. It still smelled faintly of sex and Maura wished that a sinkhole would just materialize to save her from this moment. She swore Jane could see her sweaty hand prints that gripped the walnut, spindled headboard.</p><p>"Clearly," Jane growled. "So that's the love of your life, huh?" Jane stood and wiped her hands down the backs of her own thighs. As if brushing dirt or lint from denim. Or remnants of her and Ian.</p><p>"He was," Maura replied.</p><p>"You don't love him no more?" Jane's eyebrows furrowed, but annoyance still tinged her voice.</p><p>"<em>Anymore</em>," Maura spitefully corrected. "And no, not like I used to."</p><p>"But enough to help him smuggle drugs?" Raspy softness turned into hardened judgement and the brunette completely disregarded the brief, incendiary grammar lesson.</p><p>There was no use lying. The detective had seen the dolly of cardboard boxes when she barged into the lab for results. Maura wanted to push Jane off the metal slab she was so comfortably sitting upon. Criss-crossed as if there wasn't a rift in their relationship. She wanted to shake Jane until she apologized. Until she felt remorse and understood why Maura needed space. Why she needed time away from her.</p><p>"It's not smuggling if it's sanctioned by the government." Weak argument.</p><p>"The United States would squish the Ethiopian government and extradite his Australian ass back here. You'd be swept up in the mess and no amount of money or influence is gettin' you outta that, Princess." Jane's voice was rising and Maura really couldn't blame her.</p><p>"I know that, Jane. But I don't need a foreign policy lesson from you," Maura snarked.</p><p>"Maur—"</p><p>"And for the love of God, please <em>stop </em>calling me Princess. It's condescending and—"</p><p>"Then stop acting like one!" Jane exploded. "Everyone is walkin' on eggshells around you thinking that they're gonna fuckin' offend the shit outta you. Why're you always so pressed lately? It's been months, baby." Jane strode over to her. Warm, clammy hands cupped her face and thumbs brushed across reddened cheekbones.</p><p>"Stop calling me that too," Maura whispered hotly in heartbreak and anguish.</p><p>She missed this. The physical contact. Jane's fingers ran along the column of her neck and fingertips began massaging the base of her scalp. It was reminiscent of when she'd fall asleep on the couch and inevitably ended up laying her head in Jane's lap. For hours, Jane would run her fingers through blonde locks and massage her scalp. Never had she ever felt such contentment or enjoyment from a single touch. But always with Jane.</p><p>"But I like it," Jane whispered back.</p><p>When Maura reached up to wrap her arms around Jane's shoulders, the sash, that kept the robe securely in place, untied. Silk draped to the sides and provocatively covered her breasts, but left a straight line of skin—all the way down to the front of her waist—bare. Nude from the waist down, Jane raked her eyes across flushed skin. Summer was particularly kind to her, so freckles lightly dusted Maura's chest and faded as obsidian eyes kept trailing down.</p><p>But then she was roughly pushed against the wall, which knocked the wind out of her. Jane recoiled from her harshly and all but scrambled away as if she were diseased. Maura, self-consciously, tugged both sides of the robe across her naked body and her back tensed before it became rail straight. That wasn't the first reaction she expected of Jane when they finally reached the sexual aspect of their relationship. Jane looked at her with eyes full of hurt and confusion.</p><p>"I'm—I gotta—" Jane sputtered before she sighed in defeat. "I should head out," she stated with whispered finality.</p><p>"Wha—did I...okay?" Nausea suddenly overtook her. How did they go from almost succumbing to built up tension to being miles away from each other again? The back and forth of emotions was giving her whiplash. The earlier pounding in her head returned with a vengeance. The ambient light in her bedroom was beginning to feel like it was digging a knife through her eyes.</p><p>"Have a g'night."</p><p>Jane bolted from the room and Maura turned to sit on the edge of her messy bed. It was cold and felt grimy under bare thighs. Rejection, disappointment, and fury filled her stale room as she heard the front door slam shut. She yanked the sheets off and balled them up before aggressively throwing them into the dark wicker hamper. Grabbing all of her clothes, Maura violently separated the fabrics between what was washable and what was getting picked up for dry cleaning.</p><p>She walked into her well-lit master en-suite. Maura let the silk robe fall from her shoulders and onto the warmed tile beneath her feet. Sullenly standing in front of the large mounted vanity mirror, the Possini Euro wrapped light fixture with seven xenon bulbs highlighted all impurities and imperfections on pale soft skin. It was a selling point when she initially bought the house, but now it made her regretful that she didn't take advantage of its abilities earlier in the night.</p><p>Stark against smooth skin was a darkening red and purple mark right above where neatly trimmed hair began. A lover's claim, from Ian, that she remembered vividly being put there before she was rendered speechless. Maura hated it instantly.</p><hr/><p>Weeks later, the assigned ringtone for dispatch shrilled at 5:47 in the morning. Sleepily and groggily groping her nightstand for the offending device, Maura hummed in response to the address given and hung up. Local murder—thank God. It gave her more time to get ready and make an extra strong espresso.</p><p>She swung bare legs to the side of her bed and began her morning stretches. The satisfying continuous crack down her back forced a groan of release into the cold empty bedroom. Heading for her closet, Maura sighed at the small screen that lit up as it sensed motion. It had been a neat gadget Jane got her for Christmas. The weather monitor gave her the day's forecast. Told her the highs and lows in temperature. Whether it would rain or be partly cloudy. It was the most useful gift she had ever received.</p><p>Leave it to Jane to take care of her even when she wasn't around.</p><p>Unfortunately, it predicted that snow was going to come down hard later in the morning. While she adored New England and its seasonal changes, Maura was not in the mood for fifteen inches of snow. Mentally calculating where she'd be when the height of the storm was going to hit, the blonde chose her outfit accordingly.</p><p>While this went against everything she believed and stood for, Maura reached for a pair of dark, tight jeans. There was no way she'd be able to process the crime scene, do the autopsy, and trudge to her car, in at least eight inches of snow, when the day was over in heels or slacks. Jeans were practical as she could slip her winter boots over them and with a long winter coat, the denim would barely be seen.</p><p>The Theory wool hand-knit sweater was warm and sleek looking enough to pass as business casual. If she were sitting behind her desk, nothing would look out of place. Dubarry Longford knee-high boots would complete the look, as well as keep her warm and dry from the snow. The imported Irish leather would give her the equestrian look she has always been fond of and knew that the well-broken in leather would allow her to be on her feet all day without any aches or pains. She craved comfort more and more as the days she and Jane were apart grew exponentially.</p><p>Satisfied with her choices, Maura quickly changed and began her morning ritual. When she got to her hair, the blonde paused. She absolutely hated hats, but didn't want to wear her hair down. It always got in the way during the winter. Between the scarf and collars of her sweater and jacket, her hair always managed to get stuck or pulled. So a ballerina topknot, it was.</p><p>Making her way downstairs, Maura jumped at the sight of Angela puttering around in her kitchen. There was a silver travel tumbler with the lid partly opened. Steam was billowing out and Maura smiled, knowing that by the time she started drinking it in her car, it'd be a safe temperature for her to sip and drive. There was a small bowl of greek yogurt and fresh berries on top waiting for her on the kitchen island. A little jar of honey sat next to the porcelain bowl and a small silver spoon laid upon on a cream colored napkin. Her heart bloomed with love and thoughtfulness.</p><p>"Good morning, Angela." Maura smiled and sat down at the marble island.</p><p>"Mornin', <em>stellina,</em>" Angela responded lovingly. "I saw your light on and knew you got called out."</p><p>"I hope I didn't wake—"</p><p>"I'm always in tune with <em>all </em>my children, Maura." Angela smiled softly and gestured for her to start eating.</p><p>Not knowing what to say, Maura began eating with a small blush. She hadn't quite adjusted to the open displays and words of affection. It used to confuse and make her uncomfortable, but she has grown to love and appreciate it. Initially, it made her long for this kind of relationship with her own mother, but Maura knew her parents' capabilities and which areas of parenting they lacked all ability in. For Angela, it was second nature and Maura learned to take what was given because the Rizzoli matriarch genuinely thought of her as one of her children. Angela also wouldn't take no for an answer anyway.</p><p>"And because I know my children so well, I know when my girls are fighting," Angela continued nonchalantly.</p><p>Maura choked on a blueberry. With arms raised immediately above her head and Angela whacking her on the back, the spherical fruit burst out of her mouth and splattered against the white countertop. An eerily strong and almost familiar touch rubbed her back as she came down from her coughing fit. Maura hadn't expected to be confronted, let alone by Angela, so early in the morning.</p><p>"We're not—"</p><p>"Don't lie to me," Angela calmly rebutted.</p><p>"I-I don't know what you want me to say." Maura carefully spooned the last of the yogurt into her mouth. Hopeful that it would give her enough time to come up with a more acceptable response.</p><p>"Have you told Jane why you need space?" Angela leaned on the counter with her forearms with a guilty smile on her face. She must've harassed Jane about the nature of their relationship. Bright pink striped pajamas stared Maura in the face until she looked up and saw familiar brown eyes staring her down instead.</p><p>"Yes, but she calls it a 'mistake' and thinks that justifies it," Maura divulged bitterly.</p><p>"Well, you know how hard-headed she can be, no?" Angela cracked a smile.</p><p>"Yes! It is so infuriating!" Maura put her elbows on the table as the older Italian took her bowl and rinsed it before placing it into the dishwasher.</p><p>"But you're in love with her anyways, right?"</p><p>"Of course I am, but—"</p><p>Maura froze. Her head shot up to meet Angela's shit-eating-grin. It was a full smile of teeth and crows feet. Parentheses were emphasized and the overly affectionate woman came rushing to her side. Both cheeks were squished between damp hands and Maura's eyes watered at the freudian slip.</p><p>"<em>Diglielo</em>, <em>stellina,</em>" Angela whispered. <em>Tell her.</em></p><p>"I c-can't," Maura sniffled.</p><p>"Can't or won't?" A maternal and loving, short kiss was pressed against her forehead.</p><p>"She's not interested," Maura tried, but regretted it as she felt her face heat up. Her heart was racing much too fast for barely 6:15 in the morning.</p><p>Angela raised an eyebrow at her. Knowingly and ready to call her bluff. Maura pursed her lips and nodded lightly in defeat. That was a blatant lie. Jane was so obviously interested and if the blonde were honest with herself, she has known about the brunette's attraction to her for quite some time. Maura just wasn't sure if Jane returned her exact feelings. Attraction was one thing. But for her, it was much more than that.</p><p>"You won't know unless you tell her." Angela gave her one last peck on the forehead and glanced at the clock on her stainless steel Viking oven. It was about ten minutes later than she needed it to be. With a bone crushing hug, Maura double cheek kissed the Italian matriarch and quickly shuffled to her hall closet.</p><p>She reached for two wooden hangers and held them up against her body, looking at herself in the mirror Jane installed on the inside of the closet door. Gianfranco Ferre would keep her warm, but did she really want to wear a $19,000 reversible mink-lined parka to the crime scene? On the other hand, she had the Patagonia that would also keep her warm, but would make her sweat profusely in the car.</p><p>"Wear the Pesh-ka-gonda one, it's cold as balls outside," Angela offered.</p><p>Maura laughed heartily. Grabbing the cashmere scarf, she wrapped that around her neck first, making sure it fully covered any exposed skin. Gloves followed as there was nothing more uncomfortable than gloves not properly tucked underneath her coat sleeves. She threw on a matching knitted fleece headband for her ears, thanking herself for deciding to wear her hair in a bun. Shucking on the basin green parka, Maura zipped it all the way up and grabbed her medical bag.</p><p>With a final wave to Angela, Maura grabbed the keys to the newest edition to her mini fleet of cars. There was no way in frozen hell that her Prius could make it through the impending Nor'easter, but the AWD Range Rover most definitely could. While she normally wouldn't drive such a flashing behemoth sign of wealth to a crime scene, it was better than the future headline of the Globe: "Chief M.E. Gets Stranded in Jamaica Plain in the Middle of a Nor'Easter."</p><p>She'll take the flack and ribbing from everyone if it meant that she could get from the crime scene to BPD and BPD to her house in one piece.</p><p>Even more tardy than before, Maura autostarted the Rover. After ten minutes of warming it up, she backed out of the garage and made the journey to Jamaica Plain. Jane, Korsak, and Frost were probably freezing their asses off waiting for her.</p><hr/><p>Maura double parked next to a BPD cruiser. She clipped her badge to the drawstring that hung freely on the front of her parka. Nodding at the familiar looking officer that raised the yellow caution tape for her, Maura quickly strode to her shivering colleagues. She could hear the murmur of conversations but couldn't make out the exact words.</p><p>"Oh look, it's Princess Isles, deigning us with her presence." Jane snarked quietly under her breath.</p><p>"Can it, Rizzoli," Korsak gruffed. Apparently not quietly enough.</p><p>"If I was fifteen minutes late, you'd have my ass." Jane's teeth chattered.</p><p>"She's a lady," Frost chipped in.</p><p>"And what the fuck am I?" Jane scowled at her current and previous partners.</p><p>"I've seen you break a chair over the head of a meth crazed gangbanger," Frost deadpanned.</p><p>"Fair point," Jane chuckled.</p><p>"Good morning, detectives." Maura waved politely before crouching down to make her preliminary assessment of the dead body awkwardly laying before her.</p><p>"I'm thinkin' stabbed in the chest," Jane stated obviously and brusquely.</p><p>There was a Gerber hunting knife protruding from the well-built man's body. A sharp object also appeared to have punctured the liver and kidneys. A slow painful death until the final stab in the heart put him out of his misery. Drag marks on the ground and on the back of the victim's white button up were consistent with moving the body from one place to another. An indication that this wasn't where the deceased was potentially murdered.</p><p>"I won't know that for sure—"</p><p>"Until you get back to the lab," Jane interrupted acerbically. Even when they're not talking, the brunette still had the need to finish her sentences. "It ain't my first rodeo, Maur."</p><p>No response was needed. Korsak and Frost stepped away to get witness statements and continue surveying the immediate surroundings. It was just them. Alone, aside from the deceased. They hadn't spoken since the night they almost crossed a line they weren't sure they could or should cross. That was over three weeks ago.</p><p>Maura was struggling with herself. While she knew that the distance between them was her doing, Maura finally realized her cowardice in all of this with the help of Angela. Nothing was going to get resolved if she kept pushing Jane away. She saw the way her words affected the brunette. There was a possibility that her actions could have everlasting consequences if she kept this up. Maura wasn't sure if she'd be able to live with herself if she was the deciding factor that finally drove Jane away.</p><p>"Would you like to observe the autopsy?" An olive branch.</p><p>Maura squinted her eyes up at Jane from the ground. The bright grey-white sky was blinding, but also indicative of the severe snow storm brewing. She could smell the impending Nor'Easter in the air and hoped that she'd be able to complete the autopsy and file all necessary paperwork before it hit Boston hard.</p><p>"I wouldn't want to encroach on your <em>space and boundaries</em>," Jane snapped before her face fell.</p><p>"Jane—" Maura stood and hazel eyes met pools of hurt.</p><p>"I'm really tryna respect your wishes, Maur," Jane whispered. "I trust that you'll tell me when you're really ready for me to come back to you, right?"</p><p>"Yes, but Jane—" Her chest began to burn. It was turning into acid reflux and the nausea hit her full force.</p><p>"Then I can just wait for the report. Like everyone else." Jane smiled grimly and nodded her head as if to convince herself that Maura would want what they had back. The doctor watched as Jane walked away from her. It hurt so much more than she ever thought it would. Her knees shook and she wasn't sure if it was from being crouched for long in the cold or if Jane's despondence seeped into the fissure that hadn't been able to mend itself.</p><p>"Wait! Jane," Maura pleaded. She lowered her voice as she caught the attention of the passersby and fellow officers. Hustling to the taller woman's side, she slid her gloved hand down to Jane's and grasped it tightly. Warmth spread throughout her chest when the larger hand in hers squeezed back just as hard. "I want you there. Please."</p><p>"Don't placate me, baby," Jane muttered softly.</p><p>She couldn't help but swoon, just a tiny bit, at the pet name. It warmed her soul and settled in her heart. It enveloped her in a safety net filled to the brim with Jane Rizzoli. Maura wasn't sure what she had done to deserve the brunette's affection and attention, but she didn't want to lose it now. They seemed so close to being on the same page. All she needed was to hear Jane tell her that she wasn't the only one and have Jane prove to her that she'd always <em>try </em>to come home to her.</p><p>"I'm not, I promise," Maura replied. "Sit with me? Like old times? And if you get a lead or called out, let me know?"</p><p>"You know I'll be there," Jane promised quickly.</p><p>"I…" Maura paused and breathed out deeply. "I don't actually know that, Jane. A myriad of things could happen that could prevent you from coming down," Maura stated softly. "Don't make promises you can't keep."</p><p>Brown eyes scanned her face and when she felt a stinging in her eyes, Maura realized that tears were pooling, but she couldn't let them fall. This interaction wasn't at all professional and she wasn't going to make it worse by crying at a crime scene. With a final squeeze of their hands, Maura let go and walked back to the Rover. She drove away and as she glanced in the rearview mirror, Jane was still rooted to the same spot she'd left her in.</p><p>It was going to be a long, blistering cold day.</p><hr/><p>Disappointment filled the morgue as Jane sent her a text about needing to investigate a lead. However, there was a potential for a late lunch or possibly dinner. Maura thought about the implications and assumptions about lunch and dinner. Lunch was quicker, less time to delve into the core of anything. It was a set time of roughly an hour, unless they decided to take a longer break and make up the hours after the end of the business day.</p><p>Dinner was a different animal in itself. It came with expectations full of eye contact and meaningful conversations. Innately, it was more intimate and it could be as long or short as both parties wanted it to be. Dinner was a wild card. Too many unforeseen variables. Larger margin of error.</p><p>She texted Jane to meet her for dinner instead. Nix lunch and go straight to the root of the problem. Preferably over food and wine. If there was a lull, forking food into their mouths could be used as moments of distraction. But with a Nor'easter on its way, their only option was to dine at one of their homes. Maura would bet her entire shoe collection that Jane's refrigerator was full of prepped food from Angela or Chinese leftovers that had grown into science projects. Maura decided that she would also be cooking for Jane. Another intrinsically intimate concept.</p><p>A homemade meal was a labor of love. The decision of what was going to be served. The precise measurements and calculations of ingredients. The constant tasting in between to make sure it was palatable. Finding the appropriate dishware to serve it on. Deciding to use disposable napkins or cloth ones. It was a process that took effort and considerable consideration.</p><p>It was a no brainer to make Jane's favorite—Angela's gnocchi bolognese. She'll use her daily flatware and plates. A pitstop to the local liquor store will have to be made too as Maura refused to pick up Blue Moon the day she came home from the hospital over eight months ago. Any residual bottles that remained in her fridge were hastily dumped down the drain and the broken glass was aggressively thrown into the recycling bin.</p><p>Maura was ready to either move past this stalemate in their relationship or suffer the lingering effects of cutting Jane, and subsequently the Rizzoli's, loose.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Title - "A Pain That I'm Used To" by Depeche Mode</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Illuminate All of My Doubts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I feel like there should be a warning about stress induced nausea &amp; vomiting somewhere. So here it is.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>When Jane came bounding through the morgue, Maura could hear the echo of clomping reverberating in her office. She closed her laptop and put her glasses in its hard, black leather protective case. Her eyes were dry and she couldn't wait to wash her face later. With her back straight and hands politely clasped in front of her, Maura counted down.</p><p>Three.</p><p>Two.</p><p>On—</p><p>"Hi, ready?" Jane was bundled in her winter coat, coincidentally the same one Maura wore to work, but in black. It was a gift after Maura picked faux goose feathers from a hole patched with duct tape from the brunette's old jacket. Thick curly hair was wind blown and had flakes of snow that weren't melting as quickly as they should. The morgue was exceptionally cold in the winter.</p><p>"I thought we were meeting at my house?" Maura stood to reach for her coat, but was beaten to it when Jane grabbed it from the rack and held it out for her to shrug on. Reluctantly accepting the kind and chivalrous gesture she was once accustomed to, Maura relished in the feeling of Jane's arms around her waist. She was gently spun around and dexterous fingers zipped up her jacket, making sure that the zipper was secured under the flap that prevented it from pinching her neck.</p><p>"The snow's comin' down hard. I wanted to follow you home," Jane said sheepishly. "Ya know, just to make sure you get there okay."</p><p>"You didn't have—"</p><p>"I want to," Jane cut her off.</p><p>A gentle nod of her head ended the conversation. Maura hastily shucked her gloves on, minorly uncomfortable and irritated that she forgot to put them on first. The cuff was uneven and tucked in an awkward skewed way. It bunched up against her watch, which dug the links of the watch into her wrist. Powering through the discomfort, Maura grabbed her medical bag and headed for the door.</p><p>Before she could shut the lights, Jane tugged lightly at her coat. Maura's jacket sleeve was hiked up and the discomfort of leather folded against the inside of her wrist was alleviated. Jane fixed both cuffs and softly pulled down parka sleeves. Lights shut with a click and the detective led her to the elevator with a strong hand on her lower back.</p><p>The elevator car was silent. Jane was plastered against Maura's back with her chin resting on a padded shoulder. Maura leaned against the solid body behind her. No one said a word because nothing needed to be said. They knew that the last eight months took a toll on both of them, but their physicality was the hardest to live without.</p><p>The carpark was empty except for the unmarked Crown Victoria and the black Range Rover. They were parked meters away from each other on opposite sides of the concrete structure. The distance spoke volumes, but all was pushed aside when they looked further out. Streets and roofs surrounding the BPD lot were covered in sheets of white. Fluffy, wet snow was blowing sideways and the wind burned their cheeks.</p><p>There was no way that the police issued, American-made sedan was going to be able to trek through the nine inches of snow that she was certain had barely been plowed. Maura bit her lip at the implication, but knew that it was the best, most efficient, and safest choice. She loved Jane too much to make her drive in the snow out of spite, but she knew that Jane was still wary of her need for established boundaries and space. She needed to assuage Jane's cautious nature around her.</p><p>"Drive me home? I don't feel comfortable getting there on my own." Maura laid it on thick by looking up at Jane through thick eyelashes. Hazel eyes sparkled in the brightness of the snow and the single dimple that graced winter reddened cheeks made her look ethereal. She moved closer to Jane and whispered in her ear. "Please?"</p><p>With Jane's gentle nod, Maura took the smart key out of her coat pocket and gently folded it into bare, scarred hands. Pressing a lingering kiss on a freezing tanned cheek, the blonde pulled the taller woman towards her SUV. In over eight months, Jane finally didn't fight her on it or begrudgingly follow. She went willingly and openly. On her own volition. Voluntarily.</p><p>An hour went by and Maura groaned softly at the sight of her unplowed driveway. Jane slowly pulled onto the white covered pavement and pushed the roman numeral 'I' garage button near the driver's sun visor. Metal scraped against metal before the automatic doors were completely opened. Snow fell through the opening as Jane drove at a snail's pace to park the car in the covered enclosure. Maura watched as Jane confidently rolled the car towards the hanging wiffle ball, that dangled from twine affixed to the garage ceiling, until it hit the middle of her front windshield. The Rover came to a complete stop and Jane shut the car off with a push of a button. They were home safe and sound with no bumps or scratches.</p><p>A deafening silence filled the car.</p><p>"Thank you for driving," Maura whispered. She leaned back against the warmed leather seat and tilted her head towards Jane. The blonde admired the way Jane drove and controlled her overpriced SUV. The way long fingers gripped and worked the steering wheel. How Jane leaned comfortably in the leather seat—perfectly positioned by the auto-saved setting that was pre-set for the taller woman when Maura first bought the British made vehicle. The blonde briefly wondered how Jane looked when she drove stick. She shuddered at the thought.</p><p>"Anytime, baby," Jane whispered back.</p><p>Blushing, Maura was the first to open her car door and Jane followed suit. They trudged through the garage door connected to the rest of the house and made their way to the hall closet. She hung their coats up and folded her scarf neatly before placing it on the hanging rack of winter accessories. As she bent to sit on the bench by the shoe mat, Maura's waist was enveloped by lithe arms. Back against front. She gasped as Jane's frigid hands went to rest on a bare toned stomach.</p><p>"Didja know that I absolutely love you in jeans?" Jane slowly trailed her fingertips underneath and around the waistband of tight denim until they reached the base of her spine. Strong hands slid into back pockets and gripped roughly.</p><p>"No," Maura replied breathlessly.</p><p>"You look beautiful." Jane nudged the wisps of blonde hair from her neck and peppered wet kisses up and down the column of straining muscles.</p><p>"We have to talk, Jane." Maura closed her eyes and nearly melted into Jane as the first introduction of tongue was made against her skin.</p><p>"We are talkin'," Jane rasped.</p><p>"No, no—like real—God, that's good—" Maura tilted her head to the side as Jane nipped and sucked at sensitive skin below her ear. She owed it to Jane to talk. Knew that they needed to discuss the past eight months before they dove, head first, into the possibility of a new chapter of life together.</p><p>"Later," Jane begged.</p><p>"B-but...I need—I have to—"</p><p>Jane whipped her around and crashed their lips together. Teeth and tongues clashed. Hands were grasping at any means of stability. Arms hooked underneath her ass and pulled up hard. Acquiescing to the silent command, Maura jumped and unsurprisingly, Jane caught her. She was quickly deposited onto the kitchen marble countertop. Must've been the closest flat surface.</p><p>She was roughly divested of her wool sweater. Jane flung it somewhere near the couch and a wave of coldness hit Maura's half-naked upper body. The brunette pulled back to look at her and Maura reddened at the attention. Navy blue satin and lace was stark against pale skin. A lone arm snaked around her back and flicked her bra undone with a seemingly practiced ease. One-handed, confident, and unwavering determination. An eyebrow raised in playful suspicion.</p><p>"You can learn a lotta things on the Internet," Jane grinned salaciously.</p><p>"Oh, really? The 'Internet'?" Maura let the straps fall and soon, she was naked from the waist up. It was too fast, too soon. They really needed to talk. There were too many loose ends and unspoken words. She needed to get everything off of her chest before they took this step. But God, it was also too good and not fast enough. Fuck, she was so screwed if this is how wet she got from minimal touches on her kitchen counter.</p><p>"Uh-huh. You can learn how to, like, knit and shit." Jane stepped between her parted legs and brushed her lips along the tops of shoulders then across to her collar bone. The shivers that ran through her body were no longer as cold weather related as she thought.</p><p>"Jane," Maura chuckled. She gathered thick brunette hair in one fist and pulled back authoritatively. She pressed a wet, hot kiss against pliant lips and nipped at a pouty bottom lip. While she wanted nothing more than to continue this journey into full-bodied nakedness, they needed to establish ground rules. They needed to put all cards on the table and discuss the nature of their relationship. If there was one to be had. They really needed to talk.</p><p>"You're aboutta put your shirt back on, aren't you?" Jane whined and pouted.</p><p>"Mhm, but maybe we can play later," Maura compromised.</p><p>Jane turned away from her and went to pick up the inside out sweater that landed on the back of the sofa. Turning it outside in, Maura lifted her arms up and Jane sweetly pulled the sweater back onto her partially nude body—just not before flicking her tongue over an inviting nipple.</p><p>"What's for dinner?" Jane nuzzled against her neck and circled long arms around her waist.</p><p>"Your favorite." Maura smiled.</p><p>"You on the menu, baby?" Jane laughed.</p><p>Maura's heart soared. It was silly and honest. It was real and unhindered. No extravagant gestures. Just them in the confines of her home. Together. This was the perfect moment, if such a thing existed. She couldn't let this opportunity pass her by.</p><p>"Stop making me fall deeper in love with you," Maura whispered softly.</p><p>The relaxed, sagging body leaning against her tensed. Jane lifted her head and could barely make eye contact. Nausea slammed into Maura. Regret was pouring out of her in waves. Had she made a mistake? Did she read the room incorrectly? Even if she did, Maura couldn't take it back now. She cupped Jane's face and forced her to look her in the eyes. Brown eyes looked uncertain. Hurt and hopeful.</p><p>"You're...in love," Jane paused incredulously. "With me?" Jane's eyes widened and averted her gaze. Her voice rose a few octaves.</p><p>"Did you doubt that?" Maura nudged her nose against Jane's before softly pressing their lips together.</p><p>"Honestly?" Jane paused.</p><p>"Always with me," Maura pleaded. Her heart was racing. Blood was pounding in her ears and the shakiness of her hands was noticeable. She sat rigidly upon the solid surface beneath her and braced for impact. Maura could see it coming and regardless of the preparation, it would blindside her anyways and turn her inside out and upside down.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>Fuck. That hurt. But she knew it was coming. Still, it ignited waves of discomfort to roll through her body. Bile was racing up her throat. It burned and made her stomach turn. Her chest lurched in preparation for the dry heaving. There was a possibility of her lunch coming back up too. The saliva in her mouth was pooling, ready for an emergency expulsion.</p><p>"Jane," Maura's voice wavered. "Step back. Move, please," she begged.</p><p>The brunette backpedaled abruptly and Maura hopped off the counter. She struggled to toe off her boots before she walked briskly to her bedroom. Wood slammed shut behind her and shook the walls. Bile settled in her mouth and she bolted for the toilet. Yanking the porcelain lid open, Maura dry heaved and spat whatever fluid came out. It burned her throat and soured in her mouth. Tears hotly escaped already tired eyes. She was absolutely exhausted.</p><p>Her shoulders began to flare up from holding herself up at such a low and uncomfortable angle. The pinch in her neck was getting worse and as unsanitary as the thought was, all she wanted to do was rest her cheek on the cold, white seat. Minutes past before the dry heaving and vomiting ceased. She pushed down on the circular flusher on top of the tank and gently closed the lid.</p><p>Washing her hands before rinsing her mouth with Listerine, Maura gagged as the minty, spicy liquid hit the back of her throat. Nausea rolled through her body again, but this time she reminded herself to breathe. In for eight. Out for eight. Her stomach eventually settled and she was able to brush her teeth. While not as satisfying as a normal teeth cleaning, it got rid of the grainy and grimy feeling. Her throat was still on fire.</p><p>Maura sniffled before looking at herself in the mirror. Black smudges were thick and dark below her eyes, which accentuated the redness around hazel pupils. Cheeks were blotchy and her face was paler than usual. The stress induced nausea was something she has always dealt with. She has suffered from it since primary school, but it got progressively worse as she aged. However, post medical school and her residency, Maura got it under control. It only reappeared when she was in dire straits or in a perpetual cycle of unrelenting stress. Obviously, this was the result of the latter.</p><p>"Tummy sad?" Jane asked through the door.</p><p>Maura smiled nauseously. Jane had fussed over her the first time it happened. Thought she had food poisoning or a stomach bug. When the doctor explained that it was stress related, Jane scoffed. The Italian's reasoning was that stress always equated to food. Happiness? Eat a burger. Sadness? Order takeout. Excitement? Buy a cake. Apparently, Angela instilled that all emotions could be fixed and solved with food. Jane was much more like her mother than she was willing to admit.</p><p>"Give me two minutes and I'll be right out." Maura quickly used a Q-tip and makeup remover to touch up underneath her eyes. Washing her hands once more, she unlocked the bathroom door and ran straight into Jane. Arms caught her before she tripped and brought her close.</p><p>"Is it me? Do I make you sick?" Jane looked down. Couldn't meet her eyes again. It irrationally offended and broke her simultaneously.</p><p>"No, never," Maura reassured. "I make myself sick. You know that."</p><p>"Does the thought of us together make you sick?" Jane ground her teeth together and shifted on her feet.</p><p>"No! I just—I can't—I want—<em>putain de merde</em>!" <em>For fuck's sake!</em> Maura groaned in frustration. She couldn't form a sentence to save her life. Jane always had the ability to throw her off her axis. It was an adjustment she had to get used to—to never be on her game when the brunette was around. Frustration used to swell in her chest and inadequacy used to wash over her, but over time, it became one of the reasons that she had fallen in love with Jane.</p><p>"I don't needa speak French to know what that means," Jane chuckled.</p><p>Maura snorted and the nausea suddenly disappeared. Apparently, Jane was also the remedy to her stress. It was unnerving to have someone who knew all sides of her. She was really beginning to realize how much she needed Jane, but also how much better her life had been since the Italian turned it upside down.</p><p>"I'm...flustered," Maura cautioned. "You fluster me," she confessed.</p><p>"Flustered?" Jane grinned. "What else do I do to you?" Eyebrows raised playfully, but weren't aware of the confession she was about to receive.</p><p>The loaded question bewildered her. Jane made her feel and do so many things she'd never otherwise do or say. The Boston-Italian has exposed her to more culture and life than her worldly travels ever could. Jane made her confident and daring in ways that she was taught to never emulate. Maura, for once in her life, could depend on someone who wouldn't leave her. Until Jane shattered that notion when she shot herself with a 40-caliber semi-automatic Smith and Wesson pistol.</p><p>"You aggravate me," Maura mumbled.</p><p>"Oh," Jane replied flatly.</p><p>"But you also make me feel so safe and protected. So loved and warm."</p><p>"I-I'm not really sure where you're goin' with this, babe," Jane relented.</p><p>"I love you, Jane." Maura walked to the bedroom bay windows. Arms crossed below braless breasts and she shifted as scratchy wool scraped across her nipples. Uncomfortable but arousing nonetheless. Her mind briefly raked through the possible locations her bra could be.</p><p>"Maura, I—"</p><p>"I'm in love with you," Maura clarified.</p><p>"I lo—"</p><p>"Shh, just let me speak. Please," Maura implored. This was it. The defining moment in their relationship; both platonic and romantic. Either Jane would resent her for the intentional rift in their friendship that lasted almost a year or they'd be able to move past the axe wound that so caustically altered everything. There was no middle ground—no grey area. Maura couldn't and wouldn't settle for friendship. She respected her self-worth more than that. Knew that, if and when Jane found someone, she couldn't be the supportive best friend.</p><p>The deep breath in was more ragged than she would have liked. Her thoughts were so jumbled right now. Between the kitchen groping and dry heaving in her bathroom, her emotions were all over the place. Maura wanted nothing more than to be able to articulate what she'd been hemming and hawing over in the last eight months.</p><p>"I love you so much, but I don't trust you anymore," Maura blurted out. "I'm so confused right now, but in spite of that, I need you." She leaned her forehead against the cold glass. The snow had covered the entire street in about eleven inches of fluffy whiteness and it was still aggressively coming down. Her breaths fogged the small section of window in front of her. Every breath in, the circle disappeared. Every exhale, the glass became opaque for seconds at time.</p><p>"How do I—"</p><p>"Jane Rizzoli, I swear to God." Maura banged her forehead harder against the window and winced in pain. She turned and sat criss-cross on the window seat. She straightened her spine until it lined up with the edge of the window. The slight discomfort kept her focused. Kept her present and reminded her to remember why Jane was standing in front of her with a look of consternation on her face.</p><p>"Okay, okay, I'm listening." Jane took her pointer and thumb to zip her lips.</p><p>"When we became friends, I never thought about the ramifications of loving and caring for you. You'd go out and insert yourself in hostile, volatile situations, but you'd come back to me. Sometimes with scrapes and gashes that needed stitches. But you always came back to me." Maura felt the gargles of anger clambering its way up her throat.</p><p>"But then you shot yourself and I realized that I was absolutely enamored with you," Maura spat. "My hands were coated in your blood. I couldn't stop the bleeding. I cried and begged for you to keep your eyes open. I even tore the lining of Korsak's blazer to put pressure on your self-inflicted wound. Do you know how that felt, Jane?" Her voice was hoarse. The screaming and yelling felt good. Cathartic, but nauseating.</p><p>"No, I don't," Jane whispered somberly.</p><p>"I know you fucking don't! There was so much blood, Jane," she cried. "Then the EMTs came and pried me away from your unmoving body. Korsak and Frost had to hold me back, but I broke free and forced my way into the ambulance. I kept your heart beating while they made sure you didn't bleed out," Maura sobbed as she recounted her heartbreak.</p><p>"Maur—"</p><p>"T-then w-we got t-to the h-hospital and I-I was l-left in the l-lobby. B-Bloodied dress, arms, a-and l-legs." Sobs quieted down and she wiped her nose on the sleeve of her sweater. Mannerisms and the generally accepted principles of decorum were thrown out the window.</p><p>"The nurse gave me scrubs to change into and told me to call your next of kin." Maura sniffled and cleared her throat.</p><p>"I'm so—"</p><p>"That's when I realized that I was nothing to you. Not your next of kin. Not your girlfriend. Not family. Irrelevant and unimportant. I didn't have any rights to you and...and I realized that they were right." Maura bowed her head.</p><p>"Maura, please," Jane begged. It went ignored.</p><p>"But then they asked me to fill out your paperwork. Social security, date of birth, any known allergies, injuries, family history, blood type. All of it. I filled it out brainlessly as if I've done it hundreds of times. Do you know what the nurse said?" Stormy hazel eyes finally met soft brown after what felt like hours.</p><p>"No, baby. I don't." Jane started to tear. Her voice broke and it hurt to swallow.</p><p>"'Wow, Mrs. Rizzoli is so lucky to have such a nice friend.'" Maura imitated the perky nurse with a high-pitched mockery and rolled her teary eyes. "I wanted to slap that damn saccharine smile off her face."</p><p>"I didn't know—"</p><p>"Then your mother, your family, and half of BPD showed up. I-I didn't have time to process anything."</p><p>"Maur, c'mere." Jane sat on the edge of the bed with legs spread apart and inviting arms.</p><p>"No," Maura muttered petulantly and sniffled hard. "When you came out of surgery, they put you in a medically induced coma. I stayed day and night. Your mother was too much of a wreck to comment. Korsak and Frost brought my duffle bag from my office and food every day. Then you woke up."</p><p>"And you left!" Jane snarled before she put her head into scarred hands.</p><p>"Looking at you hurt!" Maura exclaimed. "Being around you was suffocating." Her voice then lowered to a barely there whisper, almost if as admitting a long kept secret. It had notes of love and adoration. Complete infatuation and affection. She continued, "I know you won't believe me, but you looked so beautiful when you woke up. So so beautiful because you were alive, Jane."</p><p>Maura stood on weak and shaky legs. Six small strides and she was in front of the brunette—between parted legs with strong and possessive hands immediately on her waist. Jane pressed her forehead deeply against her stomach and arms wrapped tightly around her midsection. The warmth from Jane's breath was seeping between wool stitches in her sweater. It made her shiver and press Jane's head closer to her.</p><p>"Why didn't I see you for so long?" Jane looked up at her with glassy eyes.</p><p>"Honestly?" Maura chewed her bottom lip.</p><p>"Always with me." Jane parroted her earlier words.</p><p>"I never wanted to see you again," Maura whispered. She ran the pads of her fingers across high cheekbones and over a tanned nose bridge. Tilting Jane's head back, Maura leaned down until their lips were whispers away from each other. So so close, but never touching.</p><p>"Then why did you come over that night? To give me a sense of false hope? Or to fuck with me?" Jane pressed their lips together harshly, almost as if it were for the last time, and kept them there until Maura pulled back.</p><p>"I didn't have a choice," she responded dejectedly.</p><p>"You always have a choice, Maura." Jane tugged the backs of denim-clad thighs until Maura straddled an emotionally drained body.</p><p>"I was 'politely forced' to coerce you to go to the Hero Ceremony. You know how Boston politics are. Did I really have a choice?" Maura pushed Jane's shoulders back against the bed until their upper bodies were pressed together. The blonde adjusted her position and clasped their hands together. Bringing them above Jane's head, Maura leaned down until they were nose to nose. Knees framed a thin waist and breasts laid atop of breasts. Absolute bliss.</p><p>"Were you ever gonna talk to me or, at least, tell me?" Jane didn't have the energy to fight against her. Maura was using her weight to hold the brunette down. She loved a pliant and subservient Jane. At least in this scenario and for now.</p><p>"If you asked me three months ago, I'd have said no. You didn't give me a second thought before you shot yourself, so why should I give you the same courtesy?" She barely got the last word out before Jane flipped them over. Submissive Jane was gone before Maura even had a second to enjoy her. Hands were still clasped together and arms were forcibly pushed against the springy mattress. Boney hips locked her in place and the extension of her arms pulled her sweater taut against her braless chest.</p><p>"I did it for Frankie. I did it for y—"</p><p>"I never asked you to do that, Jane!" Maura ground her teeth together. The risings of a tension headache made itself known as the pounding at the base of her skull felt like it was thumping as a means of escape.</p><p>"Do you know what he said, Maura?" Jane yelled. It vibrated in her ears and Maura clenched her fists that were taken hostage by clutching scarred hands. Spittle sprayed her face and her skin was so overheated, she swore she heard a sizzle. She should've been disgusted, but considering where her tongue has been and where she hoped it would be, a little spit was the least of her worries.</p><p>"It doesn't matter, Ja—"</p><p>"The moment you walked outta there in your red and white dress, he said he'd put a bullet straight through 'the pretty doctor's head.' I...Maur—baby," Jane collapsed against her and weeps of anguish were wracked against her body. The wind got knocked out of her and Jane coiled around her still body. Maura wrapped arms around a convulsing back and squeezed as tightly as she could. She had no idea. Absolutely no idea and all she could do was reassure her love that she wasn't going anywhere. The selflessness hidden behind what was perceived as selfishness completely went over her head. Eventually, Jane stopped shaking and became strangely tense against her and sniffled before she spoke.</p><p>"But did you really think I'd leave you like that if I didn't have a fuckin' choice?" Jane sharply pulled back and stared her down. "Did you think that I would throw away everything we had and were building because I didn't give a fuck no more?"</p><p>"I-I didn't—I'm so—Fuck." Maura sagged against the mattress and tugged Jane harder towards her.</p><p>"You didn't think to ever fuckin' ask me, 'Hey, Jane, did you really wanna shoot yourself?' Are you that fuckin' dense, baby?" Jane crashed their lips together. It was full of teeth and tongue. Hands were gripping and yanking at each other. It was full of fury and anger. Loving and loss. Jane pushed down harder against her restrained hands and Maura fisted shaking fingers as Jane kept vitriolically spitting out what has been pent up for months.</p><p>"I waited and waited for you, Maura!" Jane nipped harshly at her neck. "Like some pining damsel who couldn't find her way home. It was embarrassin' and it hurt that you didn't give a rat's ass, but most of all, it made me contemplate whether or not this job was worth it." Torment and misery laced every word.</p><p>"Hey!" Maura interjected tersely. "None of that—I would never ask you to leave the force." The blonde yanked unruly brunette curls from the base of a sweaty neck. Hot tears dripped onto her face and Maura couldn't help but cover salty lips with hers. It burned chapped, dehydrated skin, but Maura slid her tongue into welcoming warmth. They explored and cried and moaned into each other's mouths.</p><p>"But when you're layin' here, pantin' and no doubt wet, and you tell me that you love me, I'm havin' a hard time believin' that. If you loved someone, you woulda never done what you did." Jane pressed her forehead against hers. She was right.</p><p>"I-I didn't know what else to do. It was a knee-jerk reaction, but you're right," Maura paused.</p><p>"About what?" Impatience coated Jane's tone.</p><p>"I should have talked to you about it, but would you have seen it from my point of view?"</p><p>"Aren't we talkin' about it now? You coulda saved us a shit ton of time if you just yelled at me eight months ago." Jane nudged her nose with hers. It was wet and scratchy from continuous and dried tears.</p><p>"I wasn't ready," Maura stated exhaustedly.</p><p>"I'm hearin' a lotta 'I's in this conversation. Didja even think of how the distance would affect me? How much it would hurt?" Hands smoothly ran underneath layers of fabric. The need to feel each other's warmth and lively skin became a necessity of comfort. Maura spread her legs and wrapped them around Jane's. She tugged the taller woman's lower body into hers and moaned softly at the friction. This was the most alive and electrifying she has felt in the past eight months. Just as easily Jane could break her, the Italian could make her whole too.</p><p>"I didn't, no." However Maura stood her ground. "I won't apologize for needing to protect myself. I won't apologize for doing what was necessary to ensure that I wouldn't let your actions upheave my life. You can't ask me to do that."</p><p>"I'm not, Maur." Jane brushed their lips together ever so lightly. "I'm askin' you to recognize that as much as it hurt you, it takes two. You broke my heart when you threw away everything we had without so much as a glance in my direction. I needed you. I was in so much pain and all I wanted was you. But you weren't there."</p><p>"I'm so—"</p><p>"I don't wanna hear it now. I need you to mean it. I need you to say it with your heart and not because I'm cryin' on top of you." Jane pressed her lips lovingly to Maura's.</p><p>It was a step in the right direction. Maura said her peace. It relinquished bits and pieces of bitterness and resentment, but she still had her doubts. With time, she hoped that their strength and love would be able to ease her apprehension. However, she had her own groveling to do. She never took the time to put herself in Jane's shoes. The devastation and agony she caused would have lasting effects, that much she knew.</p><p>They needed to tread lightly. Things were delicate. Almost too fragile. But in the end, it would be worth it. They were worth it. Maura knew that the road to recovery was rocky and steep, but it wasn't anything they couldn't handle. Evidently, they've been through worse.</p><p>The struggle was to find the fine line between destruction and restoration before they broke more than they could repair.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title: I Miss You by Adele</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. That Sweet and Low</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Unsure if it was clear or not, but Maura &amp; Jane were not in an established relationship in the beginning of the story. Their respective dalliances with Casey and Ian were done prior to and outside the confines of an established monogamous commitment. I genuinely don’t see either of them as adulterers nor do I think that Jane would be able to stomach blatant infidelity. However, I reread it and I can see the confusion. It was initially designed to read as undertones of attraction and love. The pet name(s) were said out of affection and affinity in hopes to convey intention. </p><p>So I’ll take the ‘L’ on that one. Mea culpa.</p><p>Also, in my head, Jane is a smooth talking suave gentlewoman. She is a modern-day Bostonian Anne Lister from Gentleman Jack. ‘Baby’ comes out of her mouth faster than she can control it and around Maura, it’s all she wants to call her because there isn’t anything more befitting. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. Allons-y!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>They hadn’t defined their relationship. There was no delineation of boundaries nor did they discuss what they were to one another. But the physical affection was back and in the confines of Maura’s home and sometimes Jane’s, they were all over each other. From stealing languid kisses in the kitchen to hugs from behind, both became a common occurrence and when they relaxed in the living room, Maura always ended up in Jane’s lap. Jane spent a majority of her free time at Maura’s and more times than not, she spent the night too.  </p><p>Outwardly, it seemed as if they were friends again. The physicality returned, which wasn’t alarming for everyone around them. They’d always been touchy feely with one another, so nothing tipped their loved ones off about the shift in their friendship. However, Maura and Jane were hesitant to go forth with their newfound relationship. Fearful of dramatic changes or too much of a tilt towards one axis would screw up the equilibrium they just got back. Labels forced an unwarranted and unnecessary stress, which was the opposite of what they needed considering they’ve been slowly mending themselves back together. </p><p>It had been a few weeks and Jane’s resolve was weakening. Maura wasn’t ready to take the next step to further their intimacy. She knew that the moment Jane touched her anywhere below the belt, there was no going back. She’d be ruined. The blonde wanted validations and affirmations that they could handle the constructs and effort of being with each other. Sharing the most intimate and private aspects of life with someone she didn’t wholeheartedly trust yet caused her heartburn and doubt.</p><p>But all of that was put on the back burner as she straddled Jane’s lap unceremoniously. Underneath a thick henley, hands mapped out the front and back of Jane’s strong muscular body. Nips and wet kisses trailed up and down her neck. Maura’s hips had a mind of their own as she ground roughly against the solid body beneath her. Jane’s hands slid to her ass and guided a gyrating body closer. </p><p>“Jane, please,” Maura moaned. </p><p>“Mmm, yes?” Jane ran her tongue up the hollow of Maura’s throat and the blonde’s hips canted downwards harshly. Erratic and unhinged. Her wool dress was bunched uncomfortably around her upper thighs. Breaths were ragged and rushed. Exploratory touches began to delve deeper into unchartered territory and Maura wasn’t sure she had the will or strength to say no. But she had to try. </p><p>“We should st—<em> fuck!</em>” Maura’s back arched as Jane’s daring fingertips skimmed the edges of ruined silk and pressed against her clit through soddened fabric. A confident thumb rubbed tight circles up and down her slit. She was so so wet, the rough texture of Jane’s finger could be felt through her panties. </p><p>“Come again?” Jane smirked, but her fingers never faltered. </p><p>Maura groaned at the smugness painted on her lover’s face. Grasping at straws of control, she clutched Jane’s wrist and brought wet fingers to her mouth. Engulfing saltiness, Maura teasingly ran her tongue over the rough ridges of Jane’s fingertips before sinfully sliding her lips down to the first knuckle. A final nip of teeth and a resounding pop, Maura pulled back. </p><p>“We’re supposed to be ordering food,” Maura panted airily. </p><p>“You are food,” Jane replied unabashedly. </p><p>Lips glided against each other and Maura resumed her grinding. Jane’s words and honesty did something to her. They always seemed to flow easily and naturally out of the brunette’s mouth with zero hesitation. Like she meant them. And while Maura rationally knew that Jane never said anything she didn’t mean, she had a hard time believing them. Trust was still on the chopping block.</p><p>Teasing hands slid underneath her dress to her ass and around to the front. A strong, possessive hold on her breast halted her thought processes. She could feel the satiny material being pulled back and before she knew it, a wet warmth encased her nipple over her dress. Maura arched into the touch and fisted brunette curls to push herself closer. Her arousal has never peaked this high while she was fully dressed. </p><p>“Ja—my love, please,” Maura begged. For what, she was unsure. </p><p>“Please what, baby?” Jane grinned lustfully. </p><p>Maura groaned and her hips jerked in response. She would never grow tired of hearing that. With anyone else, she’d be miffed. It would be entirely unwelcome and she would have put an end to it the moment it was uttered the first time. But with Jane? She craved to hear it. Yearned to have it whispered in her ear. Needed to hear it as a means of reassurance. Maura found it absolutely endearing and at all times, it made her clit throb. Jane’s confident utterance and intentional use of ‘baby’ unexplainably aroused and calmed her. </p><p>“I-I don’t know.” It came out whinier than she wanted. She was stuck between wanting to tear her own dress into shreds and wanting to wait a little longer to formally become lovers. This wasn’t something she wanted to fuck up. <em> They </em> weren’t something Maura wanted to fuck up. But Jane was wreaking havoc on her body and if she didn’t, at a minimum, quell the inferno between her legs, they’d never get to where she needed them to be without jumping the gun too soon. </p><p>Jane didn’t give her anymore time to think as she soon found herself flat on her back with a lithe body hovering above her. Bony hips nudged hers. She immediately granted access by shucking her dress over her hips and spreading her legs to accommodate Jane. A strong thigh pressed between her legs and Maura gasped in surprise. </p><p>Wet silk was cold against scorching heat. Jane’s denim clad thigh created the most titillating friction she had ever felt. The hot and heavy breaths against her neck as Jane used her entire body to drive into her made her quiver in anticipation. Wool around her waist and sticking to her back made her warmer than she could handle. The centralized heat was on full blast to combat the routine New England winter weather, but she didn’t really need it as Jane continued her steady rhythm. </p><p>“Do ya wanna stop?” Jane panted and she rearranged herself so that a pale thigh was subsequently between her legs too. </p><p>"<em>N</em><em>o!</em>” Maura bent her leg slightly to push up into Jane. The movement caused them to be pressed more intimately together. The wetness was swimming out of her and onto Jane’s thigh. There’d be an unfortunate stain there when they were done and Maura would happily replace whatever she soiled. </p><p>“So I should keep goin’?” Jane framed her arms around Maura’s head and leaned fully against the writhing body beneath her. </p><p>Frantic nods and grabby hands encouraged the brunette to go faster. Longer, harder. Maura scraped blunt nails down Jane’s sweat matted henley and gripped a steel-toned ass. Pulling and pushing down, Maura ground herself rampantly against a warm leg. She could feel Jane match her thrust for thrust and she moaned at the implication. If their synchronicity was this electric, fully clothed, Maura wasn’t sure she’d survive when they finally got there without a thread of clothing on their bodies. </p><p>Coils of white heat began slowly edging its way up her body. It started in her calves and traveled at a snail’s pace to her thighs. Jane’s inconsistent movements were maddening, but quickly pushing her closer over the edge. The pinpricks of release were just in arms reach until Jane stopped. Maura felt a draft as the brunette raised herself up until there was about three inches between their bodies. The core strength it took to plank while above someone was not lost on the doctor. </p><p>“Use ya words, Maura.” Jane bent her head down and nipped roughly at sensitive skin on her neck. Tongue lathed down the neckline of her dress and peaked under, teasing the tops of breasts. Brunette curls were tickling her face, making her shiver and frustrated all at once. She was seconds from bursting at the seams, but needed Jane to take her there. </p><p>“Make me come, Jay,” Maura begged, “<em>Please</em>.” </p><p>All of Jane’s weight was pressed against her. Belly to belly. Breast to breast. Lips locked together as the brunette continued her pace from before. Maura was so keyed up, the effort to get her shattering arousal back took no time at all. Jane knew exactly how to move. She knew all the right things to say. All the dirty things Maura would never admit she loved to hear. It made her wet. Dripping wet. </p><p>As the detective used every trick up her sleeve, Maura could feel her body tense. Her neck strained as she mushed her cheek into the back cushions of the couch. Calves and thighs locked in place and her toes were pointed almost painfully so. Her arms wrapped around strong shoulders and pulled harshly to eliminate all remaining space between them. Waves of tingling heat settled in her stomach and made a straight shot down to her pulsing sex. </p><p>The tougher part of denim near the button closure of Jane’s jeans rubbed against her perfectly. It was an earth-shattering sensation that pushed her over the edge. </p><p>“<em>Don’t move, don’t move, don’t move,</em>” Maura gasped. </p><p>Jane froze in place and Maura pushed her hips upwards for the exact angle she needed. Pushing harder and into a still body, she used Jane as an anchor and gyrated into bliss. She choked back moans, almost embarrassed that she let it get this far. But it felt too good to give a damn. If she came off as wonton and desperate, at least she came. </p><p>As her body shook and quaked, moans got stuck in her throat. Maura willed them back and quietly rode the waves of her release. Jane whispered words of adoration and devotion as hips gently swayed, prolonging the ebb and flow. Time slowed and Maura regained awareness. Her body sagged into the cushion and she took Jane with her. She hid her face in a sweaty neck and held onto the limber body on top of her. </p><p>“Why you holdin’ back on me?” Jane whispered. </p><p>“What do you mean?” Maura sighed with satisfaction before softly brushing her lips across a damp hairline. The scent of sweat and Jane was ratcheting up her arousal again. </p><p>“I wanna hear you when I make you come,” Jane breathed out hotly.</p><p>Maura blushed furiously. It was such a candid statement that tugged at her heart and made her clench in anticipation. God, Jane was going to be the death of her. She has never been this responsive with anyone else. Never has she wanted someone to climb inside of her and stay there forever. Jane made her feel everything at once, all the time. It overwhelmed her at best, but she grew accustomed to it and Jane smoothed out the harshness. </p><p>“It’s not—”</p><p>“I swear to Jesus Christ himself, if you say, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ I’m gonna make you come so hard against this sofa, you’ll ruin it,” Jane threatened. </p><p>Maura laughed heartily. Her body shook and she gasped as Jane’s thigh never moved from its place. She snapped her legs shut and clenched around the menacing muscle. Bringing their lips together languidly, Maura nipped and sucked at Jane’s pouty lower lip. Over the past few weeks, Maura has learned that, within the confines of privacy, Jane was just a big ball of mush. Cuddly, clingy, and adorable. </p><p>Until it came to sex. Jane switched gears into passionate, possessive, and determined. It was a complete one-eighty. </p><p>“It’s not me, though,” Maura clarified. “It’s you, Jay. You with your rhythm and stamina. Your filthy words that make me absolutely soaked. Your touches: knowing and audacious. I’m afraid that if I give in, I’ll split in half.” She wanted nothing more than to let out a frustrated moan. If Jane could do all that with barriers between them, Maura shuddered at the thought of being completely exposed to her voracious lover. </p><p>“Would that be such a bad thing?” Jane’s nose nudged hers. </p><p>“I’m not ready to give you that kind of control.” Maura swept her lips lovingly across wet lips. </p><p>“Should we talk about that?” Jane squished herself, on her side, between the back of the couch and Maura’s spent body. </p><p>“There’s not much to talk about.” Maura turned to face her love. Breast to breast. Feet were brushing against each other lovingly as legs intertwined. Jane trailed cursory fingertips up and down her side. Maura comfortably nuzzled her nose against the center of Jane’s chest. She could hear a steady heartbeat. Absolute comfort. </p><p>“You don’t wanna talk about how I practically live here, we shower together almost every night, and fall asleep naked in the same bed daily?” Jane furrowed her brows. </p><p>Maura wrinkled her nose and looked down in thought. Shit, they really did do all of that. Every night and every day. They had an extraordinarily intimate relationship without the completely naked sex. Jane started following her home or they’d carpool to and from work. The Italian’s welcomed clinginess prevented her from doing anything alone. Her back has never been so clean since having Jane scrub it nearly every night. What Maura loved the most was that despite the opportunities given to Jane, the brunette never pushed her. The diligence and patience was remarkable and mostly, it was appreciated. </p><p>“Would you believe me if I said that I’m afraid to give you that kind of power?” It came out mumbled as words meshed against the scrunched up v-neck long sleeve Jane was wearing. </p><p>“Is it the truth?” </p><p>“Partially,” Maura murmured. </p><p>“Since when do we do half-ass truths, Maura?” Jane rolled her eyes. </p><p>“I’m still trying to convince myself that you’ll be there when I fall.” </p><p>Silence filled the room. It was slightly troublesome. It made her focus on everything else that was making her uncomfortable. Like losing feeling in her shoulder from awkwardly leaning on her side. Or the sticky wetness that coated her thighs underneath her dress. Jane was unusually silent, which was worrisome considering she has been the most vocal about maintaining open lines of communication. Maura really thought that she would be the one who had to pry and force conversations about matters of the heart. But Jane was more willing and honest than she ever thought possible. </p><p>“Is there something I should be sayin’ or doin’ that helps you?” Understanding, meaningful, and honest dialogue. Maura still couldn’t believe that Jane was so open and forthcoming. That inquiry alone chipped away at her doubts, reservations, and hesitations. </p><p>“It’s more of an internal struggle. I’ll get there soon.” Maura tried to reassure her. </p><p>“Should I give you space? Do ya need me to stay outta your hair? ‘Cause ba—”</p><p>Maura pressed a searing kiss against strained lips. The blonde was persistent for entrance until Jane conceded and she proceeded to pour everything possible into it. The thoughtfulness made her heart swell, but the doubt made it crack too. She needed to work on her delivery, that much was clear. Her reasonings seemed to always be one-sided and sometimes, it lacked empathy. Maura pulled back breathlessly. </p><p>“I love you, Jane. With all that I am and with all that I have. I want you here all the time, if you want to be here. These last few weeks have made me feel so loved and so happy.” Maura could feel the telltale signs of tears threatening to fall. She was so close to being able to let Jane in completely. So so close.</p><p>“I wanna be here.” Jane smiled softly.  </p><p>“I’m glad, my love.” Maura sighed. “But I-I’m also working on forgiving myself for hurting you and I just need more time, okay?” She looked up and into pools of brown. The exploratory fingertips scaling the sides of her body rounded her back and pulled her flush against a strong body. It felt like warmth and comfort. Home. </p><p>“I’m not goin’ anywhere.” </p><hr/><p>About a month flew by and Maura sat in her Boston office—completely alone and in absolute silence. The morgue had been particularly empty the last few days and while she normally filled out paperwork during down time, she remembered that her staff was now fully capable. The Chief M.E. was only needed when it was time to attach her final signature on the bottom of all documents and release all certifications to the Commonwealth. Efficiency has never left her so bored. </p><p>Being at the office with nothing to do was unheard of. Especially in her line of work. If she told anyone, in another department, that her desk was immaculately uncluttered with just a laptop and phone charger adorning the wooden desktop, they’d call bullshit. But when her new mandates took effect, her responsibilities decreased as accountability and responsibilities were delegated to others. It should’ve been a homerun, but when Maura lacked things to do, her brain wandered into non-work related things. Like how she hasn’t seen Jane, outside of work, in almost two weeks. </p><p>Jane stopped coming ‘home’, which also meant that the brunette hasn’t slept in Maura’s bed in fourteen days. It was absolute torture to wake up cold and alone when she was used to body heat and affection every morning and night. Jane’s dismissiveness began lightly, but was no less hurtful. Between <em> I have work to do, so I’ll be here a while </em> and <em> my place is closer, I’ll crash there</em>, Maura was crushed. But she was also confused. </p><p>Their working relationship hadn’t suffered and even within the walls of BPD, Maura still got parting kisses and hugs from Jane. While kisses on the lips were in no way platonic, they were chaste and quick. As were the hugs. The overall physical aspect <em> felt </em>platonic. There was no heat behind them. No lingering touches or whispered words. They were perfunctory and the last thing Maura wanted were expectational gestures of affection. A holding pattern this early in their relationship would be a precursor for what was to come and she definitely didn’t want that. </p><p>So she closed her laptop, packed up her bags, and shut her office door. Although it was a quarter past four, Maura knew that they had the leeway of being able to duck out earlier than usual. Within the last few years, they’ve both logged in an obscene amount of overtime that was either compensated or considered occupational hazards. Leaving forty-five minutes prior to the end of the business day wasn’t going to make or break their careers. </p><p>Nerves crawled up stocking covered legs and settled in her stomach. She braced herself on the metal rails inside the elevator. The ding nearly gave her a heart attack as she exited the lift onto the third floor. Heels clicked on the linoleum tiles and echoed in the hallway. The soft noise of detectives and officers bustling throughout the corridor gave her a sense of comfort. But when she saw the brunette detective, sitting at her desk, arms stretched all the way above her head with a crumpled paper in her hand, she froze.</p><p>Maura hadn’t realized how much she missed Jane until her heart nearly fell out of her chest upon first sight of the woman who chose not to come home in nearly a fortnight. </p><p>A white letter-sized piece of paper, crumpled into a tight ball, sailed past Frost’s head and into the metal waste basket next to her legs. The resounding thud couldn’t be heard as Frost dramatically groaned loudly and Jane’s emphatic <em> booyah </em>washed out the victory shot. Maura watched as Jane’s partner begrudgingly reached for his wallet to pull out a crisp five dollar bill and waved it out towards the curly haired detective. </p><p>“Why you so damn good at everything?” Frost playfully flexed at Jane as she rudely snatched the pristine Lincoln out of his hands.</p><p>“Why you always bettin’ against me?” Jane folded the five roughly in half and shoved it into her pockets. </p><p>“Fuck outta here, I’d bet on you anyday.” Frost smiled before he flipped her off. </p><p>“Hey, watch it, <em> Barold</em>.” Jane grinned. “There’s a lady here, asshole.” </p><p>“You’re a lady too,” Maura piped up. </p><p>“Not a real one, though,” Frost interjected. He cackled then groaned as a box of staples hit him in the chest and clattered open all over his desk. </p><p>“I, respectfully, disagree. She’s more—”</p><p>“Maur, it’s a losin’ argument. But I appreciate you stickin’ up for me.” Jane winked at her. </p><p>“Didja need somethin’, Dr. Isles?” Frost straightened his tie and sat taller in his chair. He tried to garner an iota of professionalism, despite five o’clock being just around the corner. </p><p>“Oh! Uh, no. I-uhm.” Maura was flustered. She didn’t actually have a plan nor did she know what to say. But seeing Jane and her smile just threw the good doctor off. Her admiration and affinity for the brunette was in full force. Maura missed her so much and now that she was standing in front of Jane, she clammed right up. </p><p>“Oh—ight, I gotchu. I’mma go hit the head.” Frost smoothly rolled back on his chair and gave Jane a not so subtle <em> don’t be a dick </em>look before he gracefully left the room. </p><p>Maura cautiously approached Jane. She gnawed lightly on the inside of her bottom lip and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. Coming around the government issued metal workspace, Maura sat on the edge of the desk. Her dress rose a few inches as she leaned against the sturdy structure. Black stockings weren’t actually stockings. The thick band of thigh highs peeked out from where her dress left her exposed. Pale skin tastefully showed through the pattern of black lace. </p><p>“You need somethin’?” Jane breathed out hard as eyes trailed up and down the ensemble on display. </p><p>“Are you coming home today?” Maura adjusted her legs and crossed one in front of the other, which caused her dress to stretch favorably up and across her thighs. The small clasp of black suspenders holding lace and silk up was stark against soft skin. The gold metal strap adjuster contrasted lustfully and elegantly against dark, soft material. It made brown eyes rake upwards until the view stopped at the hem of her dress. </p><p>“I’m—I-uh—I can’t tonight.” Jane gulped. </p><p>“Oh?” Maura reached for Jane’s hand clutching the arm of her work chair and placed it on the warm skin of a naked thigh. Her ears, on high alert, picked up the shuffling and voices from the cacophony of sounds coming from headquarters, but she didn’t stop. She didn’t care either. Maura dragged a calloused and scarred hand underneath the hem of her dress until it reached the start of the lacy racy suspender belt holding thigh highs up. She was being daring and bold, something she only wanted to be when she was with Jane. </p><p>“I gotta lotta work left.” Jane’s hand gripped possessively at the skin beneath her fingertips. Blunt nails dug into a strong muscle, roughly and silently pleading for her. </p><p>“If that’s what you want,” Maura said passively. Noncommittal and almost taunting.</p><p>She stood straight up and readjusted her bag. Her brusque movements knocked Jane’s hand away and Maura watched as Jane went back to gripping the arm of her chair. Knuckles were bursting with white as Jane clenched harder and harder around the metal. </p><p>The cold draft seeping into the bullpen was uncomfortable now. Seconds ago, warmth was making its way through her body and suddenly she was doused in frigidity. Maura was way past the point of return. She needed Jane. She burned for the brunette to just touch her. Anywhere. Everywhere. She just desperately needed to feel Jane all around her, but mostly inside of her. </p><p>But Jane, apparently, developed an aversion to her outside of work within the last two weeks. </p><p>With the poise of wealth, Maura strutted confidently out of the bullpen and straight down the elevator to her car. Her heels never missed a beat as they rhythmically strode with purpose. She has never begged anyone for an ounce of their time and she sure as fuck wasn’t going to start now. Even if it physically and sexually pained her to stay away, Maura wasn’t going to go out on the limb like that if it wasn’t going to be well received. </p><p>However, her body was singing for Jane. Screaming, yodeling, and chanting for her. The lack of physical touch, outside of what was considered work appropriate, was creating a hole in her chest. It was hollow and every time she thought of Jane, the aching got deeper and deeper. She tried to hold off from taking matters into her own hands, but on nights when she got so lost in thoughts of Jane, she could never satiate the void. Nothing could and would satisfy her. </p><p>But tonight? She really needed the release. If she has to bring out every toy and every book from the back of her closet and into bed, then so be it. Maybe if she closed her eyes and thought really hard, maybe—just maybe—she could bring herself to climax. But she knew better. Knew that her fingers would never be as long and strong as Jane’s. Nothing would ever compare to the feeling of Jane’s tongue on her body. There was no substitute for the weight of lankiness sinking into her. Or the way Jane’s breath ghosted over her lips, teasing her with what she couldn’t have.</p><p>Maybe, just maybe, if she wished hard enough, Jane would come home. Maybe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title: Motivation by Kelly Rowland.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Consequences of an Inquisition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This nor'easter is about to dump almost two feet of snow onto my front porch and I'm not mentally prepared. I've written eight total chapters, but eight is such an uncomfortable number. I will be adding two more to make a nice, pretty total of ten. Stay warm and safe, friends.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>The porch light was off. As was the range hood light. Her shoes were shucked off on the mat by the door and her Birken laid carelessly on the entryway table. She grabbed a bottle of Duckhorn from the wine fridge and made sure to bring the pre-made bowl of sliced strawberries with her. Bare feet padded up the stairs and Maura let out a sigh of relief as she stepped longingly onto the carpet runner on her side of the bed. Nimble, but slightly rushed fingers unbuttoned her own blouse and she separated the rest of her clothing into their respective hampers. </p><p>Making her way to the front of her bathroom vanity, she grabbed a velvet lined wooden box from the sink drawer and opened it. The electric wine opener and wine aerator always remained, as a set, in the bathroom for days like today—frustrating and stressful. But mostly frustrating. It was convenient and saved her the headache of having to go back downstairs. </p><p>She efficiently opened the bottle of sauv blanc and poured the first glass through the aerator. Giddiness bubbled up as liquid streamed steadily into the crystal glass. As she let it breathe, she ran herself a bath. She normally used lavender or Dead Sea bath salts, but tonight was a scorching hot, plain—no frills—bath. The serenity of clear steamy water and no additives was the cleanse she needed before she tried to quell the ache between her legs. </p><p>The semi-permanent drink stand was loyally next to the tub and had a small bucket attached to the side designed to keep all contents cool. Over the years, Maura has learned the art of self-care. With the hours she worked and the stress that followed, she had to make due with not having the time to isolate herself at a spa retreat. It was like a mini, truncated staycation and she always made sure to get the maximum capacity of relaxation possible. </p><p>Finally, she dimmed the lights and pressed play on the small waterproof speaker suctioned to the side of the tub. Wordless melodies ebbed and she sank gracefully into the tub. The water pricked and burned, but it was absolutely welcomed. It eased the tension in her calves and lower back. Eventually, she adjusted to the temperature and at that exact moment, she took the first sip of the properly aerated sauvignon blanc. A sweet strawberry slice followed before she polished off the first glass. </p><p>Her hair was in a high bun and she sank further into the tub until the water reached just below her ear lobes. The goosebumps from the heat made her shiver as her sex throbbed against the flow of hot water gently washing over her most sensitive parts. The wine zinged straight to her clit and she hummed as the stark temperature between hot water and ice cold wine melded together. </p><p>White wine made her giddy at the first sip. As she drank more and more, it loosened her up. It made her overly affectionate and amorous. All she needed was somebody to enjoy it with. But, unfortunately, Jane was nowhere to be found. The more wine she swallowed and the more scalding water she soaked up, the more she needed to be touched. </p><p>The second glass was gone before she knew it and she was so relaxed, Maura couldn’t remember reaching over to refill her glass. It was full so she sipped it anyways. Moments like this made her lose track of time. It was one of the only ways she could decompress. She was practically deaf and everything around her generally went unnoticed. </p><p>Like the lanky brunette voyeur leaning against the door jamb of her bathroom. </p><p>Eyes were closed and her fingertips ran feather-like strokes up and down her upper thigh. One hand trailed up her stomach and just below her breast. She liked to tease herself before touching where she needed it the most. Nipples hardened and calves tensed as she ran a blunt fingernail along her inner thigh. The mix of hot water and knowing touches made her wet. A different kind of wet than the one caused by a complete immersion  in water.</p><p>Knees bent and parted as wide as the tub would allow. One hand reached up to run a confident thumb over peaked arousal. She ran a finger down into wetness and dragged upwards. The slight cant of her hips had the water flowing gently back and forth. The small wave of hot water washed over her and the low guttural hum of approval echoed in the tiled bathroom. </p><p>She cleared her throat. It was getting dry and as much as she wanted to reach over for the remaining remnants in her glass, she was quite content to dehydrate. It felt too good. So sweet and full of promise. </p><p>The act of being watched added to the entire sensation and experience. Of course she was an exhibitionist. She worked hard to look good and made sure to always have good sex. If not from the ability of her partner, most definitely from her own efforts. Why wouldn’t she want to be appreciated and lusted after while working and grinding so hard towards her relief. But knowing that it was Jane watching her? Maura smiled only to stroke herself harder at the idea that Jane was fulfilling a fantasy she never thought she’d tell her lover about.</p><p>Of course she knew Jane was standing there—watching her intently and with a yearning she could practically hear. </p><p>Maura could feel and smell her love the moment she silently stood at the doorway to her master en suite. The blonde always had a sixth sense when it came to Jane. Always knew what the brunette needed. Always knew what she was going to say before she said it. It was a bizarre sense of ESP, but it gave her an advantage. One that she was definitely abusing right now. </p><p>“Do you like to watch, my love?” Maura smiled softly before gasping as her middle finger made direct contact with her clit. </p><p>“Just you.” Jane was rooted to the floor. “How’d ya know I was here?” </p><p>“I always know when you’re near,” Maura whimpered. </p><p>“I’ve been standin’ here for five minutes.” Jane bit her lip in anticipation. </p><p>“I know,” Maura moaned. Her finger quickly swept down into her opening before going back to stroke herself purposefully in practiced circles. </p><p>“Is this whatcha meant by not bein’ a good girl?” </p><p>“Mmm, do you actually need me to qualify that?” Maura opened her eyes and jumped in surprise as she found Jane kneeling right next to the tub. The water splashed against the sides of the tub, soaking elbows that rested on the edge of porcelain. Jane’s chin was propped onto folded hands and brown eyes raked down her nude form, slightly distorted from the moving water. </p><p>“I think I got my answer.” Jane’s voice was impossibly gravelly. It went straight to her core. </p><p>“Why’re you here?” She let out a long, low moan as her middle finger found its way halfway inside. God, she could most definitely come like this. The sensation of water caressing her skin. Her own knowing touches and Jane watching her get off. She was closer than she thought and the abundance of wetness made it almost too slippery to control her strokes without sloshing the bath water out of the tub. </p><p>“My girl,” Jane said pointedly, “decided to tease me with what I thought I couldn’t have until she was ready.” </p><p>All thoughts and word combinations halted as she added a second finger in addition to the first. Hazel eyes tried to bore into brown with lustful intensity, but she could barely keep them open. Sloping thrusts in and out hit her clit with every stroke. Maura bit the inside of her bottom lip and a whine struggled to escape from a panting chest. The possessive shortened title of <em> my girl </em>enthralled her more than she thought it could. It was just so...quintessentially Jane.</p><p>“If,” Maura breathed out deeply, “...if you bothered to show up, at any time during the last two weeks, I’d have shown you how ready I was.” </p><p>“Why do I always gotta do the chasin’?” Jane plunged a hand into the now lukewarm water and grasped Maura’s moving wrist. Fingers were pulled out abruptly and with ease. Every word Jane spoke, stroked her growing arousal and Maura nearly throttled her lover for ruining all of the hard work she put into this self-love effort. </p><p>“I’m a lady, remember?” Maura shot back snarkily. She was frustrated and was so so close to the edge. But now, she was throbbing and empty. The two most worthless feelings. </p><p>“Uh-uh, ladies don’t fuck themselves with the façade of veiled privacy knowin’ that their girl is actually watchin’. So I don’t think so, Princess.” Jane grinned before scooting down to pull the silicone drain stopper. Water gurgled as it began to swirl down into copper pipes. Maura indignantly looked up at Jane as the brunette stood to full height. </p><p>“This really isn’t the way into my pants, Jane.” Maura stood confidently as she held out an expectant arm. She cocked her hip out and bounced her leg impatiently. Her body had gotten used to the hot water and was now freezing in the winter air. </p><p>“Well, it’s a damn good thing you ain’t wearin’ any.” Jane wrapped the warmed towel around her and politely helped her out of the tub. Arms remained wrapped around her waist as they made their way to her bed. Pillows and the duvet were already turned down. The lights were dimmed and when Maura finally took in Jane’s appearance, she blushed. </p><p>A black ribbed tank top over braless breasts and sinfully tight black boy shorts adorned mile long legs. Her mouth dried at the sight and when she turned in Jane’s arms, the towel dropped to the floor. Cotton was deliciously rough against her freshly washed skin. Calloused strong hands mapped out her back, sensually dragging fingertips over and through all water droplets. </p><p>“Must you be so crass?” Maura trailed pruned fingertips down the column of Jane’s neck. </p><p>“You love it.” </p><p>“Mmm, maybe,” Maura brushed off, “and what have I said about calling me Princess?” The blonde shivered as she wrapped her arms around Jane’s shoulders. The scratchy material felt glorious across hypersensitive skin and she swore that if she kept rubbing against Jane this way, she’d drip onto the floor. Confident steps backwards had the backs of her knees hitting the edge of the mattress. Maura sat and immediately lifted the frayed hem of the tantalizing black tank top Jane decided to wear. </p><p>Tongue and teeth laved and nipped across rock hard abs. The jerky movements of muscles beneath her lips gave her a powerful sense of satisfaction. It wasn’t just her who was affected by the way they melded together. Playfully, she swirled her tongue into and around the taut navel she found oddly attractive. Teeth roughly caught skin as Jane yanked her by the base of her scalp and harder into a toned stomach. </p><p>“You don’t wanna be my Princess?” Jane snorted before yelping as Maura shoved her onto the bed. The aggressor winced briefly as the complete shoulder landing must’ve been somewhat uncomfortable. An apology would have sufficed, but she had other plans in mind. One that could also be construed as an apology all on its own. </p><p>“Absolutely not,” Maura replied. She bunched and gripped the front of black cotton with a fist. Maura pulled roughly until fabric seams stretched and the opacity became more sheer than solid. A silent demand, not a request. Off. Now. </p><p>Jane leaned up and nearly tore it in two as she tossed it carelessly to the side. Maura straddled warm skin and gasped as hands went straight to her waist. Jane’s mouth covered peaked arousal before she could find a balanced purchase on top of her lover. Teeth rolled and sucked around sensitivity, which made her grasp wooden spindles on her headboard with all that she had. </p><p>The wet release of suction was unsurprisingly arousing. Lips crashed together as Jane’s blunt nails raked down her back and up her sides. Maura snapped the waistband of black boy shorts and tried to tug them down, but her weight on top of Jane as well as Jane’s sitting position prevented anything from budging. </p><p>Frustrated and wet beyond relief, Maura scrambled down the bed and roughly tugged until cotton was violently thrown across the room. She sharply parted long tan legs and made herself comfortable between the space that was meant for her. No hesitations, questions, or justifications needed to be made before she dove into never ending wetness. Her tongue swiped up from a dripping opening and swirled around an engorged clit. </p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>!” Jane’s hips jerked up, which roughly caused Maura to lose her place and her teeth bit down harshly on her lower lip. Arousal blinded her from the pain. Jane was spread eagle in front of her. Her essence was all over Maura’s face. Her lover was panting from her ministrations. She didn’t give a flying fuck about a little pain. </p><p>Dipping her head back down, she took the time to splay Jane open with both thumbs. Maura blew lightly onto scorching wetness and flicked her tongue sensually over a swollen clit. She’d never get enough of Jane now that she has had a taste of her. They’ll have to do this at least twice a day for her to function as a decent professional. It would be all she could think about. This was hers for the taking and knowing that she was the cause of the ocean of arousal trickling out of Jane consumed her even more. </p><p>The humming and swimming wetness pouring out of Jane was the catalyst she needed. Smoothly sliding her middle finger inside, Maura nearly came on the spot. The resistance was almost jarringly virginal. It made her even more lustful and determined, knowing that it had been a while. Easing her ring finger to join the first, she simultaneously sucked at Jane’s neglected throbbing clit. The razor-sharp stinging coming from her hair being fisted notified her of the tell-tale signs of release approaching. </p><p>Her arm burned, but she powered through the discomfort. Jane was keening and writhing beneath her and Maura swore this was the most beautifully erotic thing she had ever experienced. Her strong, possessive detective was completely at her mercy and she had never felt more powerful than she did in that moment. </p><p>Jane pushed hard at her shoulder. Maura glanced up as she flattened her tongue against quivering wetness. Her lover was so so close to the edge. Tightness made it almost impossible to move. Long arms reached down to tug at her wrist. Softly tapping at first, but quickly changing to rough pulling. Maura changed angles and hoped that would help Jane along. </p><p>Fingers completely immobilized, Maura paused as her hair was violently tugged upwards. She followed the movement and grimaced when Jane finally let go of blonde locks. Jane’s face was flushed. Brown eyes were as wide as saucers. Breathing was completely ragged and choppy. Sweat rolled down her temple and trailed to her neck. </p><p>“What do you need, my love?” Maura kept her fingers still, not that she could really move them. </p><p>“Just your tongue,” Jane begged. “<em>Please, baby. Please.</em>”</p><p>“Do you not like—”</p><p>“Questions, later,” Jane groaned. “I needa come...I wanna come with your tongue on me, please baby.” </p><p>Maura pressed a searing kiss on dry lips and dragged her teeth and tongue down a quivering body. She could and would never deny her lover something she so desperately needed. Jane bent her knees and pressed her feet flat against the bed. Spreading her legs as wide as they’d go, Maura had a perfect view of glistening arousal. Swollen and so so wet. </p><p>Laying on her stomach with arms locked around trembling thighs, Maura swooped down with abandon. It was loud and messy. Wet and rough. She moaned and groaned against pooling wetness, smearing it all over. It was addicting and humbling. She felt like she could move the earth and simultaneously bring world peace to all. She drank and drank everything that was offered. Maura didn’t stop until legs clamped around her head. </p><p>She couldn’t move. Her head was trapped in place, but was bobbing up and down from the thrashing of strong hips. She flattened her tongue and let Jane take what she needed. The broken cries and straggling moans were illicit. It was music to her ears and the thought of anyone else being privy to these sounds sent a surge of possessiveness and jealousy straight through her. </p><p>Jane’s body collapsed against the bed. Legs laxed bonelessly—akin to Jell-O. Her breathing was hard and Maura could feel the tremors vibrating the mattress. Brushing soft kisses up tired legs, Maura was yanked up and landed breathlessly on top of Jane. Long arms wrapped around her and squeezed as tightly as they could. It mushed her sensitive breasts against a heaving chest and Maura breathed in deeply. </p><p>She still needed to be touched and was trying to wait patiently for Jane’s recovery. If anything, Maura would settle for being able to touch Jane again. Most likely, that alone would push her over the edge and she’d take the proactively smug attitude from Jane with arms wide open. Thank God the refractory period with women was shorter, if nonexistent in some cases. </p><p>“You tryna kill me, baby?” Jane sounded like she smoked half a pack of stale Newports and holy fuck if it didn’t do something to Maura. </p><p>“Mmm, that good?” She nudged her nose against Jane’s. While she needed the release more than ever, the intimacy after such a high was so much better. It felt like they were in their own little cocoon of love and privacy. Nothing else mattered but them. No distractions. No interruptions. Just complete devotion and undivided attention. </p><p>“Not gonna even entertain that question, Princess,” Jane chortled. </p><p>“Jane,” Maura whined, “I really hate it when you call me that.” </p><p>“Nah, you love my terms of endearments.” Jane rolled them over until she hovered above Maura. </p><p>“More like terms of derangement,” Maura grumbled. </p><p>The sass stemmed from frustration. Between Jane interrupting her alone time in the tub and making Jane come first, Maura was beginning to become unhinged. Impatient and deprived. Dissatisfied and ungratified. She should have just held on seconds longer before taunting and challenging Jane. </p><p>As she has learned, when it came to sex, Jane was possessive, determined, and minorly aggressive. The brunette was just as competitive and vindictive professionally as she was sexually. She loved to tease and tease and tease until she flirted with the line of torture. Maura knew that Jane loved to teeter on the edge of cruelty, but knew that the more she endured, the sweeter the release would be. So when Jane harshly gripped both wrists in one hand and used her weight to restrain her against the bed, Maura closed her eyes. </p><p>Jane was about to extract every ounce of will and come out of her, there’d be nothing left but soiled sheets and ragged breaths. Under duress and coercion, she would gladly fall. </p><p>“You wanna try that again?” Jane sank her teeth into the pale skin at the junction between neck and shoulder. </p><p>“Maybe later, kinda busy.” While Jane liked to take control and assert her dominance, Maura loved to play with fire even more. </p><p>“Yeah? Why don’t we keep that fresh little mouth of yours busy, hmm?” Jane trailed wet kisses down the center of her chest. Maura wrapped her legs around a strong body, hoping to catch any friction she could. </p><p>“I’d rather it be your mouth instead,” Maura shot back. </p><p>“Only if you’re good.” </p><p>“But you love it when I’m bad.”</p><p>Jane’s body stiffened. Maura wracked her mind through all possibilities that would make Jane so tense when they were laying naked and wet together. Brown eyes turned black, just not with lust or love. But rather with resentment and contrition all wrapped into one. The grip on her wrists tightened, almost painfully so, but she kept it to herself. The progressive turmoil washing across Jane’s face was troublesome. It made her chest tighten. It was starting to make her nauseous too. </p><p>The sound of grinding teeth echoed in her room. Maura could see the veins on Jane’s forehead, neck, and arms pulsating with pent up hostility. She could smell the belligerence that was brewing and felt the tornado of residual anger spiraling. It sucked out all of the lust and passion that once layered the room moments before. </p><p>“I’m sure Ian loved it too.” </p><p>Jesus H. Christ. That was not what she was expecting. Actually, it was the farthest thing from her mind. It completely blindsided her from left field and it t-boned her like a sitting duck. It had been months since Ian was in her home and subsequently inside of her. But it had been much longer since she and Jane got together. Not once did the detective bring it up since confronted about her drug smuggling snafu that almost ended up with them prematurely sleeping together. </p><p>And of all times to want to talk about it, Jane decided to hash it out when she was so close to getting what she needed? What they had been working towards?</p><p>“Excuse me?” Maura tried to free her wrists, but Jane’s anger fueled her strength. </p><p>“We never talked about what that was all about.” Jane was too casual about this. </p><p>“And you’re choosing now? Especially when you and I weren’t even a thought when I slept with him?” </p><p>Fuck. Wrong words. Wrong decision. Wrong place. Wrong time. Everything about where this was going was wrong. No good was going to come out of it and she was going to end up angry, hurt, and dissatisfied. Maura didn’t even mean it, but it tumbled out before she could stop it. Well, okay, maybe she meant it a little. The belligerence, apparently, wasn’t just coming from Jane.</p><p>If they were going to gripe about this, the least she could do was arm herself with clothes for propriety and dignity. But she was still under the ardent strength of a pissed off Italian and there was no guarantee that rationality was going to get her out of this. Brutal honesty would have to suffice. She just hoped it wouldn’t crack their foundation of trust. </p><p>“Now’s a good time, don’t ya think? Since you wanna lay there denyin’ that what you did wasn’t wrong.” Jane ground her teeth harder together. The grip on slim wrists began to make her hands cramp and burn. Maura could feel the throbbing against her inner pulse. Both were racing and thumping. Anger was building and growing. Soon, they wouldn’t be able to contain it. </p><p>“So you can sleep with Charles, but I can’t sleep with a man I once loved? Makes perfect sense, Jane.” Maura rolled her eyes. Her arms were becoming numb. The loss of blood flow was starting to become painful, but the antagonistic behavior from both of them diverted their discomfort. </p><p>“I didn’t sleep with Casey,” Jane spat. </p><p>“Oh, really? So…” Maura trailed off, condescendingly, to emphasize her disbelief, “you just let him cop a feel and that did it for him?” Maura got a rush of adrenaline as her vision blurred from anger. She pushed her arms forward abruptly and caught Jane off guard. The searing arm pain was not nearly as debilitating as the thought of Casey’s hands all over Jane. </p><p>“Listen up, <em> Princess</em>,” Jane thundered, “I. Did. Not. Sleep. With Casey.” Over enunciated and patronizing words flew out of Jane’s mouth. </p><p>“Bullshit!” Maura exclaimed and pointed angrily. “You came over the next day and it was all over your face. You had no pain. No jaundice coloring. You stuttered as you tried to deny that you had sex!” Maura slapped the bed out of frustration before stomping to her closet. She grabbed the first silk gown she saw and pulled it roughly over her head. </p><p>“Maura,” Jane warned ominously, “watch ya next coupla words. You don’t know shit.” </p><p>“All I wanted was to have sex with you tonight—something I thought you wanted too. Our first time together and you want to talk about Ian? Just before fucking me?” Maura flushed the toilet and washed her hands. By the time she came out, Jane was dressed in the black cotton ensemble she had on before. It no longer held the lustful intensity it did earlier in the night. In fact, the sight churned her stomach and made her resent Jane for allowing something so simple to turn her into a puddle of mess. </p><p>“Lemme ask you somethin’. Did it ever fuckin’ occur to ya that seeing you compromise yaself for a man who don’t love you no more makes me hurt for you?” Jane sat, hunched over, on the window seat. Legs spread in front of her with elbows resting on her knees. Head bowed into scarred hands. The cheap black cotton was stark against the imported high quality drapery covering her windows. </p><p>“I don’t need your pity. I’m an adult who is capable of making decisions—good and bad. You don’t owe me anything. I can take responsibility for my actions.” </p><p>“You’re not hearin’ me!” Jane yelled. </p><p>“You’re not making any sense!” Arms jutted out in frustration and Maura’s voice cracked from the explosive tone she rarely used. </p><p>“You wanna know why I was so happy when I came over that night?” </p><p>“Enlighten me,” Maura jousted. </p><p>“Casey was the first person I told that I loved you. I didn’t sleep with him because it would have been a betrayal to you.” Jane crossed her arms and leaned back against the window. The glass was cold against her skin, even through the thick fabric of drapes. It was matter of fact. Eerily devoid of emotion.</p><p>The low humming of the HVAC system was the loudest sound. They stared at each other with deliverance. This would be the last time they could and would bring this up before completely moving past it. Whether or not either woman would be satisfied with the answer was a different matter, but the perpetual cycle of unresolved tension was the definition of insanity. </p><p>“Jane,” Maura sighed, “I want nothing more than to tell you that I’m glad that you didn’t sleep with Charles. It angers me from an irrationally unfair standpoint, but if you did, I would have accepted it as your past. I had no claim to you then and I refuse to apologize for something I was free and clear to do.” </p><p>“So you didn’t love me when you slept with Ian?” Jane fixated on the stray carpet fiber next to the bed. </p><p>“We weren’t together. We weren’t even speaking to one another.” Maura softly padded to her lover. She nudged a rigid shoulder back, sat precariously on Jane’s knee, and wrapped her arms around stiff shoulders. Relief flooded her as arms wrapped around her waist securely. Maybe all was not lost. </p><p>“That don’t answer my question.” Jane peered up through thick lashes and Maura’s heart sank. She sounded fragile and riddled with confusion, but the tinges of indignation and misplaced offense made it easier for Maura to say what was necessary. She was not going to be the bandage if the wound was not hers. What Jane did or did not do as a result of her own free will was not something Maura was going to be accountable for. </p><p>“I did love you. I <em> do </em> love you,” she clarified. “But that doesn’t negate the fact that my decision to sleep with Ian, regardless of how irresponsible it was, cannot be held against me because it could be misconstrued as being emotionally unfaithful to you. We <em> were not </em> in an established relationship with the understood promise of exclusivity. I <em> did not </em> owe you the construct of celibacy or the notion of fidelity.” </p><p>“How could you sleep with him and love me? That makes no sense.” Jane guided Maura’s body until arms and legs wrapped around her. Furrowed brows frustrated her and she wasn’t sure if she could simplify this without sounding entirely emotionally unavailable. </p><p>“Love and sex aren’t always linear, my love.” Maura brushed their lips together. “I know that’s hard for you to understand. You love so much and so hard, you couldn’t fathom one without the other. But it’s possible to just need sex without love being involved. Don’t think poorly of me for that. We’re different, but that doesn’t make you or me wrong. You’re validated for needing and wanting both. But I’m also allowed to seek out what I want and need too.” </p><p>“And now? Whaddya want and need?” Jane’s whisper floated against her neck. It was hot and full of trepidation. </p><p>“It’s always you, Jane. Even when I didn’t want it to be. You’re always my number one and now that I get to love you, openly and freely, you’re always going to be enough for me. And despite what you felt and what I’ve put you through, you have always been enough.” </p><p>“It didn’t feel that way, Maur.” </p><p>“I know.” Maura leaned her forehead against Jane’s. </p><p>“I felt disposable. Discarded and extraneous.” </p><p>Formidable words infiltrated every fissure she had remaining. It pried them wide open and Jane’s despondence made her guilty, shameful, and dirty. She didn’t have the strength to defend herself. If she could justify and legitimize her own feelings and actions, it would be hypocritical to deny Jane the same courtesy. She didn’t have the right to denigrate or invalidate how Jane felt. It was unfair to tell Jane how she could and couldn’t feel.</p><p>There was a difference between situational occurrences and the reactionary emotions that followed. Maura, a willing participant, made the conscious decision to sleep with someone while her heart belonged elsewhere. However, there was no commitment established and the parameters of fidelity were not applicable. She had the freedom to do as she pleased. </p><p>But.</p><p>She <em> did not </em> have the right to dictate Jane’s emotional response to her actions. Maura cannot, in good conscience, renounce or nullify Jane’s sensitivity to her decisions. So she did what she had been meaning to do. What she needed to do and what Jane needed from her.</p><p>“Jane,” Maura whispered, “I’m sorry that I made you feel insignificant. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I’m sorry that I let myself be misguided by things I didn’t fully understand or care to learn. But most of all, I’m sorry that I didn’t love you well enough to see that I was hurting you. I’m sorry that I failed to love you like you deserved to be loved.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title: Forgiven by Alanis Morissette. Somewhere in the chapter, there's a line from her song Not the Doctor - "I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine." Jagged Little Pill will always be a masterpiece in my eyes.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. This is What I Found</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's tax season, which means I don't know what day it is anymore. It also means that my favorite clients are going to nonchalantly and inadvertently tell me that their brand new yacht costs more than my house. Oof.</p><p>I noticed that the order of the chapters were wonky, so I fixed it. Sorry about that.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>The Berkshires were about two and a half hours away from Beacon Hill. Between the snow and the traveling, Maura was exhausted from commuting. The Commonwealth had been grateful that she decided to spread her time and efforts in other parts of the state, but it was taking a larger toll on her than she thought.</p><p>Time away from Boston meant less time with her friends and family and more time on the road. But more importantly, it meant less time with Jane.</p><p>Jane who whined and complained when she left for days at a time. Jane who had adult-grade tantrums when she didn't return home for the night or worse, when she spent days if not a week away from Boston. Jane texted and called her more than she could respond or pick up. But when she was in her overpriced and personally paid for hotel room during off hours, Maura made the distance worth it.</p><p>However, this case took way more time and manpower than usual. She packed enough for a week and as time was dwindling, Maura realized that it wasn't sufficient. Sure, she could have gone to the Premium Outlets nearby, but did she really want to subject herself to polyester blends and non-tailored fits?</p><p>Maura told herself that she'd leave in the early morning and return the same evening. Spend a couple of hours at home, with Jane, and drive back. She and the local PD still had a lot of ground to cover with the most recent murders and Maura ground her teeth at the low-tech equipment available to her. Boston's funding had always been greater considering the volume and need, but this was just unacceptable. Thank God for Susie and FaceTime.</p><p>As she pulled into her driveway, Maura was relieved and thrilled to find Jane's unmarked car uncovered and parked behind the adjacent second car garage. The light dusting of snow on the hood signified that Jane had been home for a while. Opening the garage with ease, Maura smoothly parked into the space and turned the Rover off with a sigh of relief.</p><p>Home at last.</p><p>She opened the automatic lift gate to her trunk and retrieved her small duffle and Birken. With less than stellar posture, she slumped her way into the main house. The lights were dimmed despite it being later in the morning, but Jane's boots were neatly placed on the shoe mat by the front door. It was oddly quiet. Eerie, but welcomed nonetheless.</p><p>Hauling herself and her baggage up the stairs, Maura readjusted her bags and softly opened her bedroom door. Jane, in all her comfy glory, was knocked out in the middle of her king sized bed. Feet were sticking out from the bottom of the duvet and an overworn navy Red Sox crewneck was askew, which exposed a toned abdomen.</p><p>The sight alone made her fall—just a little bit more—in love with Jane.</p><p>Brunette curls wildly fanned across white pillow cases and arms were comfortably raised above her head. A sign that Jane was out cold. Maura quietly dropped her bags into the walk-in closet and changed into a black silk camisole with matching shorts. She tied her hair up into a messy bun and shuffled adoringly to her sleeping house guest.</p><p>The minute she pulled back the unevenly spread duvet, her wrist was taken hostage and she was yanked playfully onto the bed. The sleepy warmth Jane emanated was everything she needed. Absolute comfort and full of love. She nuzzled into the crewneck sweater, which smelled fondly of Tide and Jane. Clean and crisp. Homey and safe.</p><p>"How long ya here for?" Jane mumbled against her hair. Sleepiness coated every garbled word.</p><p>"I have to leave in about five hours. I'm meeting up with a few detectives to walk them through the evidence again."</p><p>"Dinner and drinks?" Jane cracked an eye open and wiggled her eyebrows in jest.</p><p>"Don't you dare," Maura groaned. "Not one of them is interested and you're all that I want and need."</p><p>"'<em>Not one of them is interested?</em>'" Jane mocked in an overly high-pitched tone. "Have ya seen yourself in the mirror?" She rolled over until her body was flush against Maura's side. Jane nudged her head into the crook of an exposed neck and draped a long leg over smooth ones. The brunette tugged until there wasn't a millimeter of space between them.</p><p>"You know what I mean. Why don't we plan an early dinner, hm?" Maura wrapped her arms around the sleepy detective using her as a body pillow.</p><p>"Like a date date?" Jane laughed lightly then jerked her hips harshly as pinscher like fingertips caught her exposed side.</p><p>"I can eat by myself, you know." Maura smiled. She loved a playful Jane. While this side rarely saw the outside world, she absolutely adored the fact that it was mostly reserved for early mornings or late late nights when Jane was too sleepy to care. Or when Jane really <em>really </em>wanted something. It was a side that only she was privy to.</p><p>"Mm, maybe you don't miss me as much." It was meant to sound like part of the cutesy charade, but the disappointment and longing were loud.</p><p>"My love," Maura chided, "I <em>do </em>miss you. If I didn't have to be there, I'd be here with you."</p><p>"Yeah, yeah. But you're <em>choosin' </em>to have all this extra stuff on your plate. Ya don't actually <em>need </em>to be there." Petulant, childish, and whiny Jane was only cute in theory.</p><p>Maura didn't have to open her eyes to know that there was a pout on a bronzed face. While Jane wasn't wrong per se, as Chief Medical Examiner, she made a commitment to uphold her new mandates—even if it was slowly depleting every ounce of energy she had left. She was afraid that if she kept overexerting herself, she'd burn out and the last thing she needed or wanted was to resent her post at just thirty-four.</p><p>But the traveling and time away from home wasn't just draining her, it was affecting Jane too.</p><p>"Does it make you unhappy?" Maura ran her fingers through soft curly hair.</p><p>"I'd never ask ya to leave or stop workin'. You know that." Jane relaxed deeper into Maura as tension ebbed and flowed. She was calm, but apprehensive.</p><p>"Don't bash around the bush. Does it make you unhappy?" Fingers authoritatively grasped the hair at the nape of Jane's neck. With a tug, brown eyes filled with uncertainty met compassionate hazel.</p><p>"<em>Beat </em>around the bush," Jane softly corrected. "I don't ever wanna be that partner who emotionally blackmails you into doin' less than what you're capable of or keeps you from doin' what you wanna be doin'."</p><p>"Jay," Maura sighed. "Would it make it easier if I told you that I'm beginning to resent the additional responsibilities I've given myself?"</p><p>"I want you to make that decision for yaself. I don't want no part of that. You gotta do what's best for you."</p><p>"You are what's best for me and if that decision is being home with my family and my girlfriend, would you hold that against me?" Maura brushed their lips together. It felt like a big decision. Bigger than she thought it would be, but maybe it was a blessing in disguise. They needed to start communicating better and maybe this was a step in the right direction.</p><p>"Is that what you want?" Jane was patient. Overly patient.</p><p>"If I tell you, will you tell me how you actually feel about this?"</p><p>"No," Jane said with conviction. "I want <em>you </em>to make the decision for yourself with nobody else in mind. This is about you and your career. You gotta do you, baby." Jane slid fully and gracefully on top of Maura. Hands clasped together as Jane brought them over the blonde's head. Soft cotton was surprisingly comfortable against her bare skin. Jane's warmth never left and the duvet over both of them created a nest of comfort and love.</p><p>"I'll call the Governor after this case is over. I owe it to the local PD to see this case out."</p><p>"Yeah? Are you sure?" Jane's face tried to not light up. Dimples tried valiantly to not make themselves known.</p><p>"I love you more." Maura shakily smiled. It was an indescribable feeling to not be forced to choose. She expected an ultimatum. Jane's way or the highway. But walking into her house, seeing Jane in her bed, and knowing that she had to leave unnecessarily chipped away at her heart. Jane didn't really need to give her any sort of persuasive reasoning. Now that she had someone to come home to and someone that wanted her, Maura yearned to build a stable and consistent life together.</p><p>She wanted to be home. She wanted to roll her eyes at the petty little things that came with domesticity on a daily basis. Maura wanted to sit on the couch with a glass of wine and have titillating debates or mundane conversations with Jane. She wanted comfortable silences while they both sat near each other. She wanted to come home from work and bitch and complain about her day even if Jane yes'd her to death. Whatever was in store for them, Maura wanted it.</p><p>It wasn't about putting her career on hold for Jane or restricting herself because she was concerned about neglecting her partner. Maura genuinely didn't want nor need the additional stress of needless responsibilities that were previously delegated or handled properly before she decided to overhaul the chain of productivity. While things were certainly more efficient after the massive management restructure, there were other ways to maintain the status quo. Other methods that didn't involve her being away from home most of the month.</p><p>But most of all, Maura knew that she wouldn't need a clever hand to get her way with the Governor. While she was Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, she was also an Isles. Two very powerful individual personas and entities that granted her the ability to make immediate executive decisions flourished with finality in one phone call. While she worked extraordinarily hard to achieve all of her professional successes, Maura wasn't naïve to believe that she was tapped for the position by sheer skill and ability alone. To publicly appoint a member of the Boston Brahmin to a tenured position of power and authority was not a mistake. It was a strategic placement to appease those in the backgrounds. Maura Isles was well aware and not offended.</p><p>Who she knew and where she came from got her through the door. But what she knew and what she was capable of kept her there. That's how it worked and that's how it would always work—ethical practices be damned. But on occasion, when she knew the Isles side of her could outweigh and overpower the other, she used it to her advantage. Especially if it involved Jane. Maura wasn't just a doctor or a woman in love—she was equally a power broker in the grand scheme of things. She knew it and those in the game knew it too. It was a precariously balanced understanding and everyone was aware of the rules.</p><p>However, when it came to Jane using big brown puppy eyes against her, she was rendered to her knees. Weak and feeble, she caved. Every time, without fail.</p><p>"Don't be mad?" Jane asked with her face scrunched in hesitation and guilt. There was still a tinge of sleepiness that weighed down on her.</p><p>"No promises," Maura cautioned. "You always preface things with that when you should've asked for permission but didn't. This is you asking for forgiveness."</p><p>"Uh-huh," Jane admitted. "Can I go with you? I put in for some PTO and Cavanaugh cleared it. I don't hafta be at headquarters 'til Tuesday."</p><p>"Oh, really?" Maura raised an eyebrow comically.</p><p>"Yeah," Jane responded nonchalantly. "I gotta remind you that you're beautiful every day while we're out there."</p><p>"Flattery will get you nowhere," Maura reminded.</p><p>"Please?" Overly enlarged brown eyes paired with a pout was pathetic. Absolutely pitiful. But of course Maura caved.</p><p>"You're to stay in the hotel. No tagging along. No sitting in the car. No—"</p><p>"Cavanaugh called their Chief," Jane rushed out. "I was granted permission to help with the case."</p><p>Maura stared disapprovingly at Jane. A defined eyebrow rose and eyes were full of judgment. She should've been peeved. Jane didn't clear it with her before making an intrusive decision to encroach on her investigation. However, an important part of being in a relationship was picking and choosing battles. She didn't want to die on this hill. Not when she was more excited about the prospect of spending impromptu time together.</p><p>If she were brutally honest with herself, she'd admit that the detectives assigned to her case could use all the help they could get and what better resource than Boston's finest? But, she couldn't let Jane get away scot free. A little admonishment would do her love good considering the effort that seemed to have been seamlessly orchestrated. Feeling a little steamrolled didn't help either.</p><p>"You're a clever little thing, aren't you?" Playful condescension exuded from every word.</p><p>"I just wanted to spend time with you." Jane smiled bashfully.</p><p>Well, fuck. How was she going to poke fun at that?</p><p>"Okay, okay," Maura conceded. "I'm not mad. But you get one free pass, Jane Rizzoli."</p><p>"Mm, we'll see."</p>
<hr/><p>Five hours later after a two hour nap and a homemade dinner in lieu of going out, Jane was in the driver's seat of the Rover with their bags in the trunk. Maura comfortably relaxed on the passenger side and wiggled firmly into her heated seat. The satisfaction of small luxuries and Jane by her side thrilled her to no end.</p><p>She watched with rapt attention as Jane backed out of her driveway with confidence and ease. The muscle memory of being able to reach up, without looking, for the garage door button filled Maura with an attraction for Jane she didn't understand. The lanky brunette was effortlessly coasting along the cobblestone street with snow on the ground and cars crammed on either side of the road. For some reason, Maura found that Jane driving, especially her car, was an extreme turn on.</p><p>"Can you drive a manual?" It came out wistfully.</p><p>"Of course, I ain't no little priss." Jane sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. The palm of a scarred hand flexed effortlessly as the brunette rotated the steering wheel ninety degrees to the right and simultaneously tapped the lane changing blinker. Long fingers extended and softly gripped supple leather as the wheel smoothly spun back into place. The soft clicks of the turn signal echoed in Maura's ears even after the automated three ticks ended.</p><p>"Would you care to elaborate?" Maura tapped patiently on her denim covered knee.</p><p>"I grew up with two brothers, a coupla motorheads, and Pop made me learn in case I was ever someplace I didn't wanna be."</p><p>Once they got onto the Mass Pike, Jane relaxed further into her seat, held the wheel with a loose grip at six o'clock, and reached over to lay a warm hand on Maura's left thigh. Fingertips nudged their way between her legs to rest comfortably and warmly near the apex of her legs. Eyes fluttered shut and fingertips gripped possessively. Maura knew that this was the start of a long two and a half hour drive. She wasn't even sure if Jane knew what she was doing or not.</p><p>"So you're not a...priss?" Brows furrowed in confusion and her nose wrinkled in distaste for the descriptor.</p><p>"Duh. After ya learned, it was cooler to bang-a illegal uey when you were drivin' stick. If you burnt rubber, you were automatically the shit."</p><p>"Uhm, I don't underst—"</p><p>"Baby girl, it made sense then. It don't mean shit now." Jane laughed heartily in nostalgia.</p><p>Her thighs clenched together and she wasn't sure if it was from the new derivative of her usual pet name or Jane braking suddenly at the ocean of red lights in front of her. Typical. They left ten minutes after they should have, which now landed them in, at least, an hour of bumper to bumper traffic. Maura wasn't sure if she'd be able to sit comfortably and dry with Jane...being Jane.</p><p>"You'll have to show me sometime." Maura bit her lip and leaned back against the headrest. Jane's hand never left its place and in fact, it was clenching and unclenching around denim at sporadic intervals. It was driving her mad.</p><p>"Why's that?"</p><p>The Rover came to a complete stop. As did the other cars around them. The incessant beeping got louder and louder around them as traffic came to a standstill. A fender bender in the center lane, with people standing in the middle of the expressway, would definitely cause the turnpike chaos. Jane pushed the auto-hold button and removed her foot from the brake pedal.</p><p>"I find myself attracted to the way you navigate so confidently." Maura turned her head sideways to rake her eyes down Jane's form. A black fitted henley paired with dark wash jeans that looked painted onto legs completed the cool and collected look. The simplistic yet edgy style begged Maura to touch what she has missed since being away from home.</p><p>"Is it me drivin' all the time or you imagin' me drivin' stick?" Jane glanced up to the rearview mirror and flipped off the guy behind her. The standstill traffic moved a foot forward and he honked as if they were going to move a mile. Maura's intrigue only increased.</p><p>"It's specifically you driving my car and specifically, what I imagine, you driving 'stick.'"</p><p>"So you like it when I grip your things?" Jane's cocky smile should've embarrassed her, but it didn't. The hand on her thigh tightened and fingertips grazed roughly against the very top of her inner seam.</p><p>"I…" Maura trailed off. She didn't really understand why she found it attractive. It just...was.</p><p>"It's about the ability to wield and finesse," Jane offered. "You love my hands. Drivin' is like puttin' a show on for your little kink. And drivin' stick? I think that's about lettin' me be in control because you love it when you're under me. I get to steer you in any way I wanna and you love to be directed."</p><p>Smugness, astonishment, and realization filled the car. Jane trailed her hand from an overheated thigh to run her fingertips over sensitive knees in light circles. Maura's leg twitched and she caught a daring wrist before it moved any more north. She needed a clear head to mentally prepare herself for the job she had to do when they got to Pittsfield. Jane anywhere near unsafe territory was a surefire way to become distracted and aroused, which would be utterly unprofessional.</p><p>"You may hold my hand, but nowhere else. I need to be focused when we get there and you with your bold hands will do the complete opposite."</p><p>"That's not really my style." Jane brought Maura's hand up to her lips and kissed the back. Resting it back down on denim, a teasing scarred hand returned to its rightful spot: between yoga toned thighs.</p><p>"You're incorrigible, you know that?" Maura shifted in her seat before reaching for the automatic seat control. Slowly, she reclined until she was halfway down. Maura clasped their hands together and rested them gently on her stomach.</p><p>"Wait 'til you see me drive stick with the same hand on the wheel and shifting gears while the other is on you. Between your legs. That'll blow ya mind."</p><p>Her stomach lurched at the thought and Jane slyly dipped her fingers underneath the waistband of belted denim. They only had an hour and a half left to go.</p>
<hr/><p>It was brick cold by the time they got to Pittsfield. The downtown was crowded, but nowhere near the congestion they were used to. Jane weaved in and out the streets as if she owned them. The ambient yellow street lighting made red brick around them glow. They drove past the Federal style building on Allen Street and pulled into the car park adjacent to police headquarters. Historic churches and old stone façades surrounded them. Had it been any other time, it'd be a romantic getaway.</p><p>Jane reached for her jacket in the backseat and leaned over to quickly brush their lips together. These last few minutes would be the last moments of intimacy they had before switching gears to consummate professionals. Maura stretched out her back and slid her arms back into her coat sleeves. She reached for the door handle only for it to be opened for her.</p><p>A Bottega Veneta tote bag in one scarred hand and the other was held out for her to take. Maura chuckled at the sight. Never in a million years would the Italian with a sandpaper like exterior be caught dead with a three thousand dollar purse on her arm. Maura took the proffered hand and was gently led out of the Rover. She reached for her bag as Jane's long arms zipped up her coat.</p><p>Their jackets matched. Her basin green parka against Jane's matching black one was complimentary. Jane had her everyday block-heeled boots tucked underneath dark wash Levi 725's and Maura stood inches shorter in flat Dubarry boots over her signature skin tight Balmain's. There was no mistaking that they weren't together. The ease, love, and affection between both of them could be seen from miles away.</p><p>"Are we meetin' them in the PD or…" Jane placed ungloved hands over a parka covered waist.</p><p>"There's a place we've gone to before," Maura clarified. She clasped Jane's cold hand with her fleece-lined gloved one and pulled her in the direction of the restaurant. "It's only a five minute walk."</p><p>"Who am I meetin' again?" Their shoulders kept bumping into each other and eventually, Jane wrapped an arm around her as they walked warmly up the street.</p><p>"Two detectives—Linda and Michael. Fair warning, they're from a small town. They're in no way close minded, but their language can get a little...colorful?" Maura felt the tension around her shoulders from Jane's arm.</p><p>"How colorful?"</p><p>"Uhm, well I'm not sure—"</p><p>"Archie Bunker or Dick Cheney?" Jane stopped them just before the restaurant. They parted as far away from each other as to begin the act of professionalism, but Maura always had a magnetic pull to Jane.</p><p>"Definitely Archie Bunker. Remember, it's still a democratic town. They're just a little rough around the edges." Maura adjusted the collar of Jane's coat and flattened the hanging drawstrings.</p><p>"You tryna tell me somethin'?" Jane grinned.</p><p>"Never." Maura smiled. "Just behave. You're here as a <em>guest, </em>remember?"</p><p>"Yeah, yeah. Don't step on nobody's toes, don't stick my foot in my mouth. I got it, baby."</p><p>"And remember, my love," Maura became serious and gripped Jane's chin between her thumb and pointer to emphasize her point. "It's Maura, Maur, Dr. Isles, Isles, etc. You started slipping up at work and while I'm unfazed by it in Boston and no one cares, it's different here. Remember who I am."</p><p>"Alright already," Jane whined. The brunette pulled the door open and immediately scanned the room. She nudged her head in the direction of the two very obvious law enforcement officers sitting in the back. "My Queen, lead the way."</p><p>Maura shook her head, ignored the smart ass comment, and strolled into the restaurant. Linda and Michael sat all the way in the back. The booth was in the left corner, their backs against the wall, and beers on the table. Plain clothes could not mask the aura of authority that came from them nor could the utility belt affixed with a standard issued semi-automatic pistol. They stood as they greeted Maura and took her jacket.</p><p>Linda jovially stuck her hand out to Jane and shook it with gusto. A fellow female detective in a male dominated arena was always an instant friend. However, Michael looked right passed her and dull brown eyes raked down Jane's form from head to toe. As Jane shucked her coat off, Michael's eyebrow rose slightly and an instant blush washed over his cheeks.</p><p>Maura regretted this meeting instantly.</p>
<hr/><p>Three hours, four beers per detective, and a bottle of wine later, the cohort disbanded. Evidence was discussed, although very briefly, and laughter with a dash of cringe filled the rest of their time together. Linda and Michael had been partners for over eleven years and finished each other's sentences with ease. Their families were close and they had a great working relationship. More akin to brother and sister. Linda always checked Michael when words got a little more off putting than socially acceptable and Michael would elbow Linda when she went off on a tangent about "big city people." Overall, dinner was almost like a double date. Almost.</p><p>While they were great detectives, they had limited resources. The triple homicide followed by a double within six days had the community in shambles. The Governor loaned Maura out to them and they welcomed her with arms wide open. When they heard Boston's highest closer and local hero was also available, they jumped at that opportunity too. Eight hands and four brains were better than what they had before.</p><p>It was late and there wasn't much more that could have been done in the office. They ended dinner with the plan to reconvene the following day. The local detectives and Jane argued about picking up the tab, but Maura put a stop to the friendly competition with the roll of her eyes. She planned for this as Linda and Michael refused to let her pay for anything throughout the duration of her stay in Pittsfield. An hour or so ago, she "went to the restroom" and slipped the waitress her card. Problem solved.</p><p>Maura and Jane got escorted back to the Rover and finally made the journey to the hotel. If it could really be called a hotel. Fifteen minutes south, they arrived in Lenox and Jane only tried to hit one deer that decided to play in traffic. Maura braced for impact, but Jane smoothly avoided it and kept going as if nothing happened.</p><p>When they pulled up to Maura's accommodations, Jane's eyes widened and she whistled for emphasis—half in shock and half in awe. Canyon Ranch shouldn't be called a ranch. It was one hundred twenty acres of luxury resort and the property itself was grandiose. Befitting for an Isles, but it made a Rizzoli uncomfortable.</p><p>"Uh, where should I park?" Jane came to a dead stop before she drove another meter into the resort.</p><p>"Valet, love. Just pull up." Maura pointed to the four stately white pillars with a fountain peacefully flowing next to the entrance.</p><p>As Jane rolled underneath the covered entryway, Maura's door was opened immediately. The trunk opened and two men grabbed their baggage from the back. Jane was fumbling with her wallet and Maura briskly walked to her side. A gloved hand firmly gripped worn leather with about a hundred bucks of cash in it. Her eyes and raised eyebrow conveyed a clear message: <em>No</em>.</p><p>Maura clasped their hands together and lovingly led Jane inside and up to her room. The lobby was ornate, but had a very soothing atmosphere. Maura's shoulders immediately relaxed and it felt as if the weight of the world just dissipated. At least for a while. The bellhop pushed the button of her floor for them and Jane stood stoically, but still wrapped around Maura.</p><p>Soon enough, they were in Maura's scenic view suite with a king-sized bed adorned with plain bedding on top. Corners tight and the bed looked so crisp, a quarter could bounce from the duvet. Their luggage was placed respectfully by the closet and her smaller bags were placed in the bathroom. The bellhop left without a word and Maura answered the room phone as the concierge called to check if she needed anything.</p><p>"This why you're not comin' home?" Jane snorted as her arms gestured to the immaculate and pristine room. It screamed <em>my watch cost more than your car.</em></p><p>Maura hung up the phone and was unsure of how to respond. Jane didn't sound angry or annoyed. She was laughing and eventually, she took a seat on the decorative but overly comfortable chair by the window. Maura pulled her boots off and gestured for Jane to do the same. Between the snow on the ground and the salted roads and sidewalks, she couldn't function knowing that dust and debris were soon going to be embedded in the carpet.</p><p>"What's really bothering you?" Maura sat across Jane's lap and wrapped her arms around a tense body.</p><p>"The duvet is fancier than my underwear." Jane gripped trim hips and spun Maura around until she straddled long legs.</p><p>"Does it help that they'll both be on the floor in about five minutes?" Feather-like brushes of lips trailed up and down the column of a tan neck. She missed the feeling of Jane around her. Maura missed the feeling of Jane's hands on her. But most of all, she missed being completely consumed with pleasuring Jane.</p><p>"I'm serious," Jane stated. "No Best Western? No Hampton Inn? Hell, I woulda thought the Courtyard up the street woulda been nice. Are Boston's taxpayers payin' for this?"</p><p>"Are you upset because you think I'm abusing the system or because you're uncomfortable?" Maura was patient. Jane wasn't yelling, she was talking. But if she kept it up, Maura was going to lose all ability to remain calm. Jane's tone was bordering on the line of offense and discomfort, but Maura wouldn't be able to remedy the situation if somebody didn't start talking.</p><p>"Why didn't you let me tip the guy downstairs? I had the mon—"</p><p>"Everything is built into the nightly rate. It's a no-tipping resort. But, do all patrons tip at the end and leave before they can say anything? Of course. We just respect them enough to not do it blatantly." Maura sat on her heels and wiggled to find a more comfortable position. Trying to have sex in this position was one thing, but to have a financial conversation without the possibility of an orgasm made it ridiculously uncomfortable.</p><p>"And how much does this shit cost?" Jane rolled her eyes, but sucked in a breath.</p><p>"Jane, that's not important. Can't we just—"</p><p>"How much, Maur?" Bull-headed and stubborn.</p><p>"Jane, I don't want to—"</p><p>"Maur, just say it. A buck fifty? Five hunj? A cool thou? Lemme guess, more than I get paid—"</p><p>"<em>I don't know</em>," Maura guiltily interjected. "I just called and booked it. I gave the concierge my credit card number and that was the end of it."</p><p>Intense staring could have started a fire. Jane sank further into the chair and Maura followed. She could tell that the detective was upset. Angry and frustrated, but Maura wasn't sure why. They never really talked about money and if they edged on the conversation, Jane always backpedaled far away from the topic. The doctor wasn't that naïve, she knew they came from two completely different backgrounds, but they still made it work. It shouldn't ever be an issue or point of contention. Jane had to have known that she wasn't exactly struggling nor was she strapped for cash. Jane had to know how much her wardrobe, cars, and quarterly tax payments cost.</p><p>"Ballpark." Jane hooked her arms underneath Maura's denim-clad ass and lifted. Legs wrapped around a lithe waist and soon, she was deposited onto the Tempur-Pedic mattress.</p><p>"Twelve, maybe thirteen hundred?" Maura's button closure on her jeans was being toyed with teasingly and she remained still as a statue until Jane relinquished whatever hostility she had pent up.</p><p>"A night? A week? For a work trip? A bit excessive, no?" Jane lifted the hem of her shirt up. A chilly nose and damp lips pressed against her bare abdomen. Maura parted her legs wider and reminded herself to breathe evenly.</p><p>"A night. Are you mad at me?" Maura's breath hitched as Jane's tongue flicked along the waistband of her jeans.</p><p>"No, I just don't understand. Ma always says, 'Just 'cause ya can, don't mean you should.' Seems a little wasteful."</p><p>"Jay," Maura groaned. "We're going to talk about this once and once only. I hate discussing it just as much as you do, but it's part of being in a relationship. Before we get married, we'll talk about it again, but this doesn't change anything. And not only that, what's mine is yours, okay?"</p><p>"...got it." Jane paused. The 'M' word shocked her, but naturally, it made sense. She thought of it too. But to hear it in this context, prenuptial agreements, lawyers, and calculators infiltrated her mind. It made her uneasy, but there wasn't anything she wouldn't do for Maura either.</p><p>"First question: have you ever seen my driver's license?" Maura sat up with her back against the headboard.</p><p>"Uhh, no?" A bronzed forehead, nose, and mouth scrunched up in confusion.</p><p>"It doesn't have my home address on it. It's to a local office in Boston. You'll meet her one day, but Elizabeth is part of my financial management team." Maura sighed and folded her hands politely onto her stomach. This conversation was beginning to make her nauseous.</p><p>"...okay? Ya really think any cop in Mass is gonna give ya a ticket?" Jane leaned her head forward and she brought her fingertips together, upright while waving them up and down. Incredulity, disbelief, and a slight attitude graced Italian features.</p><p>"She pays all my bills, wires me a monthly allotment, and advises me on whether or not I should make a large purchase. Ultimately, it's my decision, but I trust her."All monthly expenses, financial documents, and investments never had her address on them. It was easier to centralize the location of where bills were mailed to ensure that everything was tracked properly and paid for on time. It's not that she didn't know how to independently manage her own finances, but the volume of accounts and fiscal responsibility was overwhelming for one person. She was Isles, had the resources, and needed a team. So she got one.</p><p>"But you have a mortgage? If you've got more money than the Vatican, what's the point?" Jane was trying to reconcile between what she knew to be a lot of money and what was actually an obscene amount of money. None of what Maura was saying was being processed. It just sounded like a bunch of words with dollar signs in front of them.</p><p>"The interest accrued on my mortgages is significantly less than what I collect from all monies made from my investments. It's beneficial to finance the house, rather than lose any equity, dividends, or interest paid from a lump sum if I decided to purchase it out right." Maura switched from girlfriend to financier in the split of a second. She was good with numbers. They made sense to her. In fact, there was nothing better or more satisfying than dealing with finite solutions.</p><p>"I don't wanna sound rude as fuck, but baby, how much are we talkin' about? I knew you were loaded, but this sounds like some—"</p><p>"Hundreds of millions." Maura's cheeks felt like acid got doused on them. The burning blush settled in her chest and it bloomed into full-bodied redness. She had never said those words out loud. Her mother and father would surely have had a stroke if they heard her. It was rude and unbecoming of a lady, let alone an Isles, to discuss such matters. That was the first lesson she learned before entering her first day of child enrichment at just three years old. But Jane operated on words and affirmations. Specifics and details. Maura couldn't sugar coat it.</p><p>"<em>What? </em>"</p><p>"That's not inclusive of my salary, paid lectures, and guilty parents." Might as well air everything out.</p><p>"What do you do with it all?" Jane slumped against Maura in sheer bewilderment.</p><p>"Invest, mostly. Whether it's property or technology and I choose three charities a year to make a considerable cash donation to." Charitable acts sounded good in theory, but Maura knew better.</p><p>"Don't rich people do that for the tax breaks?" Apparently Jane knew better too.</p><p>"Usually, but they tend to donate illiquid or non-marketable securities, more often than not, because it's a lot harder to proof out real estate and shares of private companies than cash. For example, let's say the estimated assessed value of a donated house to a non-profit is $7 million, while the asset itself, upon realization, is actually worth $2 million. The donor would get to maintain the $7 million tax deduction, despite the actual value and the organization really only received $2 million."</p><p>"Too much information," Jane groaned. "But that sounds fraudulent."</p><p>At this point, the resignation in Jane's voice was pitiful. Anything asked and answered increased shock value and suspicion of the wealthy. Money was a luxury, but with it came fiscal responsibility and philanthropic requirements. Tax breaks for philanthropy were designed to serve the rich and the rich only. Even if the IRS could prove fraudulent activity, thousand dollar an hour attorneys would fight the claim until every resource was exhausted. Ultimately, it would get swept under the rug.</p><p>"You asked and it's considered a...grey area." Maura chuckled.</p><p>"I'm still paying for my own shit and yours when we're out, okay?" Jane was so over this conversation. Between the detailed financial literacy she never wanted to think about again and Maura basically admitting that she could bail Greece out, Jane wanted to get back to the matter at hand.</p><p>"Have I stopped you before?"</p><p>"No, but I wanna be equals in this." Jane was firm. Unwavering.</p><p>"Jay, nothing is going to change. Unless you don't like how things have been going?"</p><p>"I wanna do more for you. I'm practically livin' at your place, eating your food, and drivin' that European beast all through the snow."</p><p>"You buy groceries, you pay for gas, and you shovel my driveway. What more could I ask for?" Maura yelped as Jane rolled on top of her. Laughter filled the room despite the tension, but they tabled it for now. It wasn't like Maura could control her wealth and Jane couldn't suddenly amass hundreds of millions of dollars. It was just something else they had to navigate through together. More Jane than Maura because if the socialite never said anything, Jane would be none the wiser.</p><p>"Is that all I'm good for, baby?" Jane nipped at her neck. "Shovelin' your driveway, driving you 'round, and servicin' you?" Clearly, this was where Jane wanted to be.</p><p>"Well, you haven't actually gotten to the 'servicing' part of this agreement…"</p><p>"Lemme fix that."</p><p>Maura unbuttoned her own pants and pushed them roughly down the first half of her legs. Jane yanked them the rest of the way down and immediately spread her legs open. The smallest scrap of fabric covered barely concealed wetness and Maura pulsed at the scrutiny Jane stared at her with. The dichotomy of her lower half freezing from the winter air versus the warmth her sweater provided made her clench in anticipation.</p><p>It was frenzied. Rushed and hot. Maura tried to pull her thick cable knit over her head, but got stuck as Jane pulled the front of soaked fabric sharp against her clit. Her hips jerked in response and she gave up on removing her sweater. She fell against the pillows and allowed Jane ingress to her body. God, she really needed this.</p><p>And as Jane began to pull ruined satin down her legs, her cell phone vibrated from the night stand. Not her personal one, no—the government issued, three-generations old BlackBerry. Four text messages in succession were never a good sign, but her brain was short-circuiting as Jane flung her thong to the side of the bed. Just as her lover swooped down, Maura regretfully placed her hand gently on Jane's forehead.</p><p>"I have to check that," Maura ruefully stated.</p><p>It was Michael. Of course it was. Another body was found near the Pittsfield State Forest and this time, it was sloppy. That meant mistakes and mistakes meant evidence. The domino effect of impatience was what drove Maura and Jane. They excelled at examining the finer details and together, they made an unstoppable and irrefutably successful duo. However, Maura just wished that it didn't always interrupt them when they needed to connect the most. After talking about one of the most difficult parts of any new relationship, Maura wanted nothing more than to solidify their commitment and love by making Jane come undone.</p><p>But maybe it was a sign. Maura really wanted to do this right. This was going to be her last first time and she really wanted nothing more than to fuck Jane at home. In her bed and be fucked in her bed too. There was always something about a good homecoming fuck that made sex a hundred times better.</p><p>Together they got dressed in silence and begrudgingly trudged into the cold.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title: U Got it Bad by Usher. I also had Always be My Baby by Mariah Carey on repeat. *shrug*<br/>Also also, when I was 16, banging an illegal uey in the middle of an empty road was a rite of passage into coolness. The smell of burning rubber and the screeching of tires made everyone feel like a badass. Even better, if you could burn rubber completely around a roundabout [it ain't a rotary, fam] you were, deadass, cool as hell. I didn't make the rules.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The One Where You Smile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Better late than never, but never late is better :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>After the last case and notifying the Governor of her decision to return to Boston full-time, Maura took the next three days off to recuperate from her constant travels. It gave her time to reorganize her closet from the rush of consistent packing and unpacking and allowed her the freedom to finally clean out the refrigerator. Three week old expired organic soy milk and leftover Chinese cartons partially filled with moldy lo mein that Jane left behind was making her itch. She vigorously scrubbed the plastic shelves and glass double doors until they were sparkly clean. </p><p>The smell of disinfectant and Windex was a comforting concocted scent that she always associated with structure and order. There was nothing better than a spotless kitchen. The rest of the house could be tornado stricken, but so long as the kitchen was clean and organized, she could breathe. </p><p>So when Jane waltzed in, with TJ on her hip and a large pie of pizza, Maura grimaced at the thought of the oily greasy cardboard soon to be settled onto her freshly Cloroxed marble island. She quickly placed four metal trivets and grabbed the piping hot food out of Jane’s hands before it could be carelessly placed onto her pristine counter. TJ reached for her before she could greet Jane and with her heart full of adoration for the smallest Rizzoli, Maura caught him as he leapt into her arms.</p><p>“Auntie <em> Mo-wa</em>!” TJ squished her cheeks between chubby hands and pressed a wet kiss against her cheek. </p><p>“Hello, my love.” Maura nuzzled softly against jet black hair that curled lightly at the ends. </p><p>“Auntie Jay says we’s havin’ a sleep<em>ovah </em>!” Little hands clapped excitedly and rang in her ears as the sound echoed and vibrated. </p><p>“Oh, really? And where do you think you’re going to sleep, Mister?” With a natural ease, Maura adjusted TJ onto her other hip and elegantly glided around the kitchen to set the table. Forks, knives, and napkins were grabbed before she bent down to grab the paper plates from the cabinets beneath the island. Bone china was not pizza or toddler friendly and as much as she loved her family, handmade imported dishware was not going to be sacrificed in the name of junk food. She was willing to give up her flatware instead. </p><p>“Wiff you! Like always.” TJ laid his little head in the crook of her neck and breathed in deeply. His exhale relaxed his entire body into hers and Maura’s heart completely melted. The youngest and cutest Rizzoli had her wrapped around his little finger and there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for him. Especially when he always snuck into her bedroom, in the middle of the night, and laid his curly little head next to hers. </p><p>“Sounds like a plan, my love.” Maura set TJ down onto the wooden barstool at the island and placed a grey silicone Mini Mat in front of him. Jane swooped in and plopped a whole slice of pizza onto the protective surface. With gusto, TJ dug in and would now be completely occupied until every bite of pizza was gone. </p><p>“Where’s my welcome committee?” Jane leaned against the counter with her arms crossed and eyebrow raised. Her white socked feet softened the challenging look, but the toothy grin sold her out. Black slacks were loose without the aid of the police issued utility belt and the starched Oxford button up was untucked with the first three buttons undone. A white ribbed cotton tank peeked out from underneath and all Maura wanted to do was press her lips against warm sun kissed skin. </p><p>“The welcome committee is only for those forty-eight inches or shorter. You, my love, definitely exceed that.” Maura wrapped her arms loosely around laughing shoulders. Strong hands immediately gripped her waist and sloped down to her backside. Thumbs hooked into empty belt loops and Maura glanced over at the toddler blissfully unaware of what his aunts were doing. The island and her shorter stature were thankfully concealing the less than apropos behavior. </p><p>“Sorry I didn’t give you a heads up ‘bout TJ,” Jane whispered. “Tommy was in a bind and I couldn’t say—”</p><p>“You never have to apologize for taking care of <em> our family</em>.” Maura stared lovingly into brown eyes and smiled adoringly at the older Rizzoli who also had her wrapped around an Italian finger. </p><p>“It kinda puts a damper on our...plans.” Jane huffed and squeezed roughly at the ass in her hands. </p><p>“Well, we could always ask your mother to watch him instead.” Maura bit her lip as a chuckle began to escape. </p><p>“Real funny. Whaddya want me to say, huh? ‘Hey ma, please watch ya grandkid so I can fuck my girl?’” Jane sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes, but yanked Maura closer to her. </p><p>“<em>Jane</em>,” Maura reprimanded with a playful shove against her shoulder. “Could you be any more crass?!” </p><p>“Yeah, like he don’t hear that from his parents.” </p><p>“They’re doing their best,” Maura justified indignantly. She always tried to be the keeper of peace. Even when she didn’t truly believe it was well deserved. </p><p>“Lydia lives in a trailer with eight whole brain cells and Tommaso ran over—”</p><p>TJ’s boisterous burp scared both women as all three of them stared at each other with guilt. Maura mentally berated herself for momentarily forgetting that they were trashing their nephew’s parents in front of said nephew. Sometimes she wished that Lydia never came back and instead, left TJ on her doorstep for her to keep him permanently. She and Jane could’ve raised him with Tommy dropping by every so often. She wasn’t heartless, but they could’ve been elephants. </p><p>Jane, the queen of emotional deflection, was the first to break the staring contest as she reached over and high-fived TJ for a burp well executed. Little hands clapped and cheered as he pointed to the box of cold pizza. He definitely had the Rizzoli appetite and his squeal of excitement as Jane plopped another full slice onto his placemat was borderline deafening.</p><p>The adults reheated their own slices and tried to remember that family was family regardless of the poor decisions they made. Together, the three of them polished off the extra large pie with pepperoni and sausage on one half and mushroom and spinach on the other. </p><hr/><p>As always, a sleepover entailed a luxurious bath time. Dinner was cleaned up and the small family of three raced their way up to the master suite. Jane filled the caddy-cornered jacuzzi with warm water and dropped a quarter cup of lavender bath salts into the tub. Lavender always calmed Rizzoli children and Maura always found comfort in the scent because it reminded her of Jane. </p><p>TJ was as naked as the day he was born and Maura changed into a modest black one-piece. She specifically bought it for bath time as her other swimsuits were more revealing and risqué. Jane, on the other hand, shrugged on a black Nike Dri-Fit sports bra and matching Nike Pro shorts. She always felt a little more exposed in her bathing suits, so work out gear felt more appropriate around TJ. </p><p>Maura’s hair was messily pulled up into a bun and she leaned back against the corner seat of the tub with her eyes closed. The jets were on full-blast and TJ tried to mimic his blonde auntie as he folded his hands behind his head with his eyes closed too. Jane smiled adoringly at the duo before gracefully stepping into the muscle relaxing water. Eventually, TJ crawled his way onto Maura’s lap and latched onto her like a koala. Pale arms wrapped lovingly around his little body as his head snuggled further against his favorite aunt. </p><p>“Ya know TJ, you lovin’ Auntie Maura more than me is treasonous.” Jane stretched out her long legs and planted her feet on the outside of Maura’s knees.</p><p>The blonde cracked open a disapproving eye and pulled TJ closer to her. Little legs tightened around her waist as did the hold around her neck. Maura whispered into the younger Rizzoli’s ear and stuck her tongue out at Jane as TJ’s legs whipped out, kicking water lightly into his salty aunt’s face. </p><p>“What’s<em> twee-son-us</em>?” TJ pulled back and expectantly looked at Maura. At a young age, TJ picked up on the fact that Maura was quite potentially one of the smartest in the family. His other aunt came in second by fractions of a millimeter. </p><p>“It’s when you do something bad that hurts your home or in this case, your family.” </p><p>“But you’s family.” Little brows furrowed in absolute confusion, but his voice held conviction. No one had the heart to argue with his logic or to further delve into the concept of treason. </p><p>Jane stared longingly at the pruny cuddled pair. Maura looked good holding a child-sized Rizzoli. Jet black hair was stark against pale freckled skin. Olive coloring complimented and brought out hazel irises. There was a natural and very maternal thing about Maura with children. Jane had seen it, occasionally, in their line of work. However, with the introduction of TJ into their lives, Maura’s innate ability to care and love for a child flourished. Angela commented on it frequently, pestering all her children that if her eldest wasn’t going to give her a grandchild, her other daughter could. And should. </p><p>“No matter what, I will always be your Auntie.” Maura finished rinsing his hair, stopped the jets, and gracefully stood with TJ in tow. She leaned down to drop a quick kiss on Jane’s forehead, but ultimately exited the bathroom with her sleepy nephew. With practiced motions, she dried, lotioned, and clothed the toddler. While he would eventually mosey on over to her bedroom, Maura wanted to encourage and promote sleep confidence early on. Gently, she laid him down in the middle of the guest bedroom and pulled up the mesh guard rails that were permanently installed since he became old enough to sleep in a bed alone. She bent down to brush her lips softly across his forehead and tucked his Bobby Orr teddy bear underneath the duvet. </p><p>Maura turned on the three battery operated candles on his bedside table and shut the ceiling lights off as she left. The door remained open because he wasn’t ready for that yet and as she made her way into her bedroom, Maura pulled her door shut just until the latch hit the metal lip. Her ears perked up as light splashes could be heard from the master en suite. Jane never left the tub. </p><p>“You’re going to get all wrinkly.” Maura scrunched her nose in discomfort. </p><p>“You’ll still love me.” Jane winked. </p><p>“But that would be treasonous.” She approached the tub and sat on the edge. Fingers ran through thick brunette curls and she twirled the wet baby hairs at the nape of Jane’s neck loosely around her pointer. </p><p>“Ya look good with a Rizzoli kid in your arms.” Nonchalant. Matter of fact. Adoration. </p><p>“He makes it easy.” Bashful. Nervous. Excitement. </p><p>“Is that somethin’ ya want?” Jane drifted to Maura’s side and wrapped her arms around a Lycra covered waist. Strong arms pulled gently until both women were surrounded by hot foaming water again. Maura shifted and turned to wrap her arms and legs around a smooth warm body, making the distance between them almost nonexistent. The buoyancy of the water made carrying Maura’s weight effortless, but Jane’s hands still cupped her ass. Magnetic pull and all. </p><p>“Before you? No,” Maura disclosed honestly. “But <em> with you</em>? More than anything.” </p><p>“I should probably cuff ya and put a ring on it first, dontcha think?” Jane nudged her nose against Maura’s and barely brushed their lips together. </p><p>“I-I only understood half of that.” Maura rolled her hips lightly against Jane. The bubbling water and jets streaming on and around them were making her hot. The prospect of motherhood and marriage with Jane was a new aspect of attraction she didn’t know she harbored.</p><p>“Show the world that you’re my girl. Getcha a nice rock, tell my brothers you’re off the market, and kick the shit outta anyone at the station that tries to step up on you.” Jane’s teeth toyed with the falling strap of her bathing suit. Lugging a toddler around loosened the material that was previously taut against her back. </p><p>“Mm, is that what ‘cuff’ means?” Maura scratched her blunt nails teasingly through the wet hair at the base of Jane’s scalp.</p><p>“Uh-huh. So whaddya think?” Jane smoothly reached over to turn the jets off for the second time that night. The soft gurgles of water draining wasn’t as loud as the silence echoing against the walls of marble tile. Maura fisted her fingers through curly hair and pulled back harshly. Pools of brown lustfully met hazel and with opened eyes, Maura nipped possessively at Jane’s bottom lip. </p><p>“I’m all in,” Maura whispered hotly against parted lips. “But it’s a little early, no?” </p><p>“Definitely,” Jane confirmed. “But you’re always ridin’ my ass about plannin’ and shit. Thought I’d get a head start.” Just as Maura did earlier with their nephew, Jane stood confidently on pruny legs with Maura wrapped around her. With extra caution and the utmost balance, Jane athletically stepped out of the jacuzzi. The strength was marvelly impressive and Maura made sure to let Jane know that her gallant efforts were not overlooked. Soft throaty gasps, words of lustful encouragement, and wandering hands praised Jane for her chivalry. </p><p>As the lovers made their way to Maura’s king-sized bed, Jane paused mid-stride. Maura glanced over her shoulder and internally groaned with heaps of frustration. </p><p>TJ was sprawled out in the middle of the bed. His sleep shirt rode up and exposed his even breaths in and out. Arms were flung above his head, much like Jane when she was knocked out cold, and his little feet stuck out from the bottom of the scrunched up duvet. He brought his three battery operated candles from his bedside table and placed them similarly onto Maura’s nightstand. The Mackenzie Buzz Lightyear water bottle looked out of place next to the blonde’s crystal drinking glass and Cartier watch. However, TJ had the wherewithal, in his sleepy journey to her bedroom, to place his bottle onto a cork coaster. </p><p>Maura regretfully lowered herself to the ground and slumped against Jane. </p><p>“Sure ya still want one?” Jane chuckled and seamlessly, the frustration ebbed away. They’d get there at some point. But for now, Maura accepted the night’s turn of events. She changed into a worn out and oversized Bruins long sleeve with matching gold panties. TJ hated her silk pajamas. Complained that they made him slip and slide when he inevitably ended up laying on top of her. </p><p>“We’ll just have to get more creative, that’s all.” Maura slid artfully under the duvet and gently rolled TJ onto his side. Jane shut the lights off and carefully folded her long form onto the bed. As soon as both women got comfortable, the youngest Rizzoli grasped and nudged his way onto his favorite person. With his head nestled against Maura’s chest and his little hand gripping her t-shirt, Jane chortled at the sight. </p><p>“He’s in my spot, ya know.” Jane huffed in jest. </p><p>“Are you jealous?” Maura tried not to laugh. Her whisper was full of mirth, but God forbid they woke a sleeping Rizzoli.</p><p>“Absolutely,” Jane replied. “Not only is he in my spot, he’s a cockblocker too!” Laughter vibrated the bed and both women had to control their jerky movements as the annoyed whine from their sleeping guest warned them of their disturbance.</p><p>“Jay, be nice.” Maura chuckled quietly and willed the laughter tears back. Her arms were otherwise occupied and knew she wouldn’t be able to reach up to wipe them away. “And it’s a little hard for him to be...<em>t</em><em>hat </em> when you don’t even have a penis!” </p><p>“Alright, Princess. Do you prefer clam jam? Bushwhacked?” Jane had tears rolling down her face at this point. Her innate inability to lower her voice made it funnier than it should have been, especially when they knew they should have been whispering. </p><p>Maura’s uncontrollable snort and full-bodied laughter woke their sleeping nephew. Little brown eyes shot open and brows furrowed in frustration. A bottom lip began to tremble and a throaty whine alarmed the couple of the tantrum that was about to happen. Chubby hands folded into fists and Jane geared up for the impending hurricane of sleep deprivation that was brewing. Over tired and sleep disturbed toddlers were an absolute nightmare.</p><p>“Shh, shh, my love. I’m sorry for waking you. Go back to sleep.” Maura’s voice dropped to a soothing octave and her fingertips ran rhythmically up and down TJ’s back. Minute after minute passed before she was able to softly press his head back down onto her chest. The soft tune she hummed was an all-too-familiar lullaby. Between the relaxing motions of nondescript patterns being traced on his lower back and the traditional berceuse, TJ quieted down and drifted back to sleep. A bullet, they dodged thanks to the blonde’s quick response. </p><p>Jane was in awe of Maura. The instinctive ability to switch from girlfriend to maternal, in the blink of an eye, was impressive. And insanely hot. So very very attractive. But what was even more endearing was the very personal and very Rizzoli specific lullaby that Maura used to lull the youngest of the family to sleep. </p><p>“Where’d you learn that, Maur?” Jane turned so that she could sidle up against the warmth. </p><p>“Learn what?” Their whispers made the hairs on her arm stand. </p><p>“The song. Ma used to sing that to us every night growin’ up.” Lips moved closer to Maura’s ear. Scarred hands were begging to touch soft pale skin, but the best she could do was wrap an arm around Maura and TJ. She pulled them impossibly close to her and relished in the moment. The fact that Angela chose to share something so rich in traditional and personal to the Rizzoli family with someone who wasn’t blood related spoke volumes. It made Jane want to savor this moment so she could relive it over and over again. </p><p>“She taught it to me when I babysat for TJ the first time.” Maura rolled onto her side facing Jane, adjusting her toddler attachment so that he was still on her like glue. She sensed a change in the air. Serious enough that made Jane feel the need to cling to her. It went from playful to panicked to awe-inspiring. Things moved so quickly and so abruptly, Maura was surprised she didn’t get whiplash.</p><p>“Ma wouldn’t even teach Lydia when TJ was born and she just taught you on a whim?” </p><p>“What’s the big whoop?” Maura smirked, knowing that it would irritate lover. </p><p>“The big whoop, <em> Princess </em>Pain In My Ass, is that Ma don’t teach outsiders Rizzoli traditions.” Whispers bounced back and forth. Both women were overly conscious over the sleeping toddler they prayed would remain asleep. </p><p>Had it been any other moment, Maura would have been offended. A little hurt too. But since being in a relationship with Jane and knowing her for years prior, Maura had intimate knowledge about how the hotheaded Italian processed things. ‘Outsiders’ wasn’t meant to be construed as an insult. Nor did it negate the fact that she has always been, without a doubt, part of the family. Jane was simply in disbelief that her own mother would share something so intrinsically personal with someone not married into the family or someone who did not birth an heir. </p><p>“Baby,” Maura tried. It was foreign coming out of her mouth, but it felt right. At least in this moment. She wouldn’t use it unless she had to. It wasn’t her, but when she needed to break it down for Jane in a way she would understand, it was necessary. </p><p>“Your mother taught me how to make all your favorite recipes that your Nonna used to make for you growing up. From scratch. She also gave me <em> your </em> baby blanket to give to our first child—the day she found out we were together. Angela has told nearly the entire block you grew up on that you’re dating a doctor. She slapped Tommy <em> and </em> Frankie for hitting on me, knowing that ‘you were the only Rizzoli’ for me. Did you really think <em> Oh Veni, Sonnu </em> was a well-kept secret?” </p><p>“...you been making Nonna’s food?” Jane’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head. </p><p>“What do you think we had last night? Or the night before leaving for the Berkshires?” Maura rolled her eyes in offense. She made the pasta from scratch. The ragù took forever for her to master and she earned the right to brag considering all the yelling she endured and the wooden spoon knocks against her knuckles she received from Angela. Maura even learned to roll, flatten, and shape the dough by hand instead of using her expensive pasta KitchenAid attachment. </p><p>“I thought Ma prepped them and you defrosted them as needed. Like what she does with me.” Jane sheepishly smiled. </p><p>Maura didn’t even entertain that response with an answer. She was extremely flattered that Jane couldn’t tell the difference. It boosted her confidence and made her feel a little less annoyed when she never received so much as a <em> thank you </em> after preparing an intensive homemade meal. But now she understood. </p><p>“Tomorrow, I’ll make <em> arancini </em> and <em> paneddi </em> for lunch—as proof. But you’re eating kale for dinner.” </p><p>“Please tell me that you didn’t make the <em> arancini </em> for last week’s Sunday dinner.” Jane groaned at the thought. They were possibly the best she had in years. </p><p>“Of course I did,” Maura casually responded. “I make the hors d'oeuvres and the side dishes, Angela makes the entrées.”</p><p>“Christ, I’m sorry for never thankin’ you.” Jane brushed her lips appreciatively against smiling ones. “And baby, when you’re talkin’ about <em>cultured food</em>, don’t call it that French shit. It’s offensive and it hurts my ears.” </p><p>“<em>Oh</em>, <em> ma pauvre</em>,” Maura mocked with purpose and intent. <em> Oh, poor thing</em>. </p><p>“My ears are bleedin’. You’re gonna corrupt my nephew with that bougie bull.” Jane plugged her ears with her fingers and hummed softly. Her eyes were heavy with sleep, but they both were past the point of no return. Over tiredness made them giddy, which was a dangerous game to play since they already woke the sleeping beast. </p><p>“<em>Eh ben, dis donc? </em>”* Maura could feel the pull of exhaustion seeping into her body, but she couldn’t stop. Playful Jane was her favorite to banter with. Especially at night when it was just them. The rough exterior brunette let her guard completely down and Maura took all she could get. </p><p>“Ya know, if Junior wasn’t here, I’d ask you to tell me something dirty.” Jane yawned and closed her eyes. Her arm went lax against TJ and Maura. She rubbed her feet together a few times before settling completely still. </p><p>“<em>J'ai hâte de te baiser</em>,”** she murmured sleepily. Her eyes were drooping and her words slurred slightly at the ends. </p><p>“You wanna kiss?” Jane softly nuzzled into the warm body next to her and brushed her lips lightly across a freckled cheek bone.</p><p>“Mm, not quite,” Maura laughed with exhaustion and endearment. Eyelashes fluttered as they eventually relaxed effortlessly and hazel eyes finally turned in for the night. </p><p>“You gonna tell me?” Jane’s consciousness was slowly drifting and her body began to sink further into the pillow top mattress. TJ’s soft little snores were the soothing sounds she needed to hear as she gently nodded off to sleep. </p><p>“Later. Sleep, love you.” Maura pulled the littlest Rizzoli flush against her body and tugged Jane’s arm tighter across herself. Their breathing evened out in synchronicity and arms filled with lead fell against each other. Maura’s knee had a hypnic jerk before Jane’s fingertips slid subconsciously beneath the waistband of her hip huggers. </p><p>Comfortably, warmly, and lovingly they succumbed to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*Oh, Really? or You don't say?<br/>**I can't wait to f-k you. </p><p>Title: First Love by Adele</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. You're Gonna Work For It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Very very brief mention of domestic violence. Like two sentences.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>Maura heard about it after the fact. Specifically when the hospital called her to notify Jane’s next of kin. </p><p>Their most recent case had been caused by one of the usual motives: jealousy. Wealthy, suburban couple with two point five kids, a white picket fence, and a golden retriever torn into pieces by infidelity. An unhappy housewife had an ongoing four-year affair with the next door neighbor. The husband found out after coming home from work early and murdered the boyfriend with an iron brutalist vase. Open and shut. They have seen it hundreds of times. </p><p>However, high-intensity emotions were always unpredictable. Crimes of blinding rage should be treated like domestic violence calls as they’re considered to be one of the most dangerous and hostile occurrences for police officers to respond to. Too many irrational and unknown variables. If an officer stepped between an abusive spouse and their partner, it could be volatile and dangerous if the victim became defensive or protective. Retaliation towards the officer was more frequent than not and while damage was usually non-life-threatening, there have been countless fatal outcomes that outweighed the lesser assaults.</p><p>Walking into unchartered territories with unknown behaviors from unfamiliar people was a risk. But it was Jane and Frost’s civic duty to respond accordingly. They followed protocol: backup units, kevlar, and a prayer to God. The moment an adrenalized fist banged on the door with three consecutive hard knocks, Frost burst into action after hearing the loud pop from an all too familiar weapon. </p><p>Wood splinters flew and Jane stormed into the foyer with her Glock 22 raised. Her left pointer rested, with a feather-like touch, on the trigger while her right hand cupped the butt of the semi-automatic pistol to stabilize her grip. Frost was hot on her tail and Jane assessed the room with sharp eyes and a heart rate that echoed in the room. </p><p>The wife held a revolver towards her bleeding husband. Gunshot wound to the thigh. A pool of blood rhythmically flowed and soaked into the Persian rug beneath him. Jane’s soft, but strong voice tried to neutralize the situation. When that didn’t work, she switched to empathy. But the wife was too far gone. </p><p>In that moment, Jane knew she was in danger. The last trick she had was a combination of fear, shame, and guilt. Fear of a life in prison. Shame that would bring dishonor to her family and name—the story blasted across the Globe and national headlines. But the most heartbreaking was the guilt for her children unnecessarily becoming orphaned into a broken impoverished system. </p><p>Spooked and guilt-ridden, the wife pulled the trigger. </p><p>Frost fired his sidearm milliseconds after the first sound of gunfire. He rushed towards the assailant only to find no pulse after picking the loose gun up. Pulling the clip and emptying the chamber, Frost pocketed the empty firearm and went to the husband. Passed out, but breathing. He quickly pulled his blazer off to pressurize the wound as fellow officers bombarded the McMansion. Medics gravitated towards him and the husband. Relief flooded him as he heard Jane muffle a never ending string of curses as medics gurneyed her into an ambulance. There was no immediate sign of blood, but she had a dazed and painful look on her face. </p><p>Bullet wound to the chest stopped by kevlar reinforced with a ceramic plate over the center of the thoracic region. Specifically, over her heart. Knocked the wind out of her and the glassy look in her eyes was the result of her skull hitting the floor from the force of the shot. Minor concussion and bruised ribs, but no internal bleeding. A miracle, but also a victory for modern and life saving technology.  </p><p>But it couldn’t save her from the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, who was also her girlfriend, sitting rod straight in the cheap, uncomfortable hospital chair. Heels clicked steadily against the scuffed linoleum tiles and hands clasped together with white knuckles. </p><p>“Say somethin’,” Jane rasped. She was moved into a private room with the winter sun shining so brightly it was blinding her sensitive eyes. Her right hand had an IV drip nourishing her healing body while the one in her left arm intermittently pumped her full of painkillers. The hospital gown was undoubtedly scratchy and Maura knew Jane felt completely exposed despite the itchy blanket covering her body. Socked feet were wiggling as the IPC device massaged long legs to promote steady blood flow. Overall, Jane was comfortable. She was lucky to be alive. </p><p>“I love you,” Maura stated calmly. </p><p>“I love you more.” Jane furrowed her brows. “Is that all though?”</p><p>“I told you,” Maura reminded. “I would never <em> ever </em> ask you to leave the force.”</p><p>“So you’re not gonna chew my ass out?” Jane uncomfortably jerked her head with incredulity. She was definitely going to be stiff and sore over the next couple of weeks. </p><p>“I’m well aware that <em> this</em>,” Maura dramatically waved her hand up and down Jane’s hospital bed ridden body, “is part of you. I’ve accepted it and while I don’t like it, I love you more than the aspects of your job I hate.” </p><p>“Why is this time different than before?” Jane winced as she tried to sit up. The unimpressed <em> tsk </em>coming from Maura made her pause as the automated bed began pushing her forward. </p><p>“You were reckless when you shot yourself, despite your reasons,” Maura simply replied. “Today’s incident was an occupational hazard, but you did everything you possibly could to ensure that you’d come back to me.” </p><p>“So because I called for backup, wore a vest, and failed to shoot first, you’re not mad?” Jane sniffed as she let out a sigh of relief. </p><p>“Exactly,” Maura stood on stiff legs and sat on the edge of an uncomfortable twin-ish sized mattress. </p><p>“That makes no sense,” Jane whispered. </p><p>“Let me elaborate,” Maura offered softly. “Do you love me?” </p><p>“With all that I am and all that I have.” Jane wiggled her fingers and sagged against the bed when Maura clasped their hands together. Words were familiar and she remembered confessing the same to Jane months ago. </p><p>“Do you promise to always <em> try </em>to come home to me?” Maura leaned forward until they were nose to nose. </p><p>“Yes.” Jane glanced down. Eyes began to sting and her nose started to run. </p><p>“Will you do everything in your power to make sure you’re safe even when I’m not with you?” Moisturized lips brushed lightly against dehydrated chapped ones.</p><p>“Always,” Jane promised. A lone tear trailed traitorously down an olive cheek. </p><p>“Then I trust you.” Maura breathed out deeply. The boulders she’d been carrying on her shoulders finally fell. The staggering weight of an untrusting love no longer crushed her every time she set eyes on Jane. Freedom to love and be loved without restriction or hesitation was overwhelming, but a long time coming. Trust was earned and what was once taken for granted, was rightfully returned. </p><p>“Just like that?” Jane mumbled and continued to let more traitorous tears fall. </p><p>“Just like that,” Maura confirmed. “All I needed was for you to show me that you were as committed to yourself as you are to me. You can’t give me your all if you’re not whole yourself.” </p><p>“Ain’t you supposed to be the emotional cripple in this relationship?” Jane pulled Maura fully onto the hospital bed against her abnormally sore body. There was only so much mush she could take and the water works surely did not help either.</p><p>“I’m a social cripple,” Maura corrected. “But I know what I need, what I’m worth, and how to get it. I just say very inappropriate or insensitive things at very inopportune times.” </p><p>“I made you my emergency contact.” Jane changed the subject. Between the rollercoaster of a morning she had, the drugs being pumped into her system, and Maura lying so close to her with a dress designed to entice, she couldn’t handle the emotional overload. </p><p>“I noticed,” Maura shyly replied. “You didn’t have to. Your mother—”</p><p>“Is <em> not </em>a doctor,” Jane interjected. “Initially, I changed it for you. Period. But I thought about it some more and it made sense ‘cause you’d know best. I trust that you won’t stick me on a ventilator for six years and I trust that you’ll know when I need to be a DNR.”</p><p>“You think I’ll be that rational knowing that the greatest love of my life was lying in a coma and there wasn’t anything I could do to help except pull the plug?” Maura balked at the thought. She wasn’t naïve to believe that it couldn’t ever happen. Jane put her life on the line every single day. The statistical probability of being forced to make a life-altering decision on Jane’s behalf was astronomically higher than that of a civilian. </p><p>“Yes,” Jane plainly stated. “‘Cause you love me and I know you’d think about what <em> I </em>wanted.” </p><p>Death was morbid on its own. But the topic of death, while Jane laid in a hospital bed after being shot, was a reality. Too close to home and too many unknown possibilities. Maura perished the thought of having to actually make a life or death decision for Jane. However, just as much as finances, the prospect of marriage, and children were important to discuss, quality of care was too. </p><p>“I want to be buried at sea.” Maura perked up and shifted her body until it was upright again. A hospital bed was already uncomfortable for one person. Two just made it unmanageable and intolerable. </p><p>“Your social ineptitude is showing,” Jane said with absolute judgment. “But, <em> absolutely not</em>. I hate boats. And I’d have to go to City Hall and get all kinds of permits and...<em>no. </em>Just pick something more landlocked.” </p><p>“But Jane,” Maura whined. “I want to return to the primordial soup that spawned us all. Nothing fancy, just a small group of friends and family. And a cello.” It all sounded so wistful. Hopeful and picture perfect.  </p><p>“We’re on a boat,” Jane highlighted begrudgingly. “And a<em> cello </em>is officially fancy.”</p><p>“But there’d only be one!” Maura laughed and jerked away from Jane’s loving shove. “Well fine, what do you want?” </p><p>“I wanna die one day before you so I don’t hafta to go out on a boat,” Jane deadpanned. </p><p>“You’d leave me all alone to continue life without you?” Maura pouted. </p><p>“If it meant I didn’t hafta be on a damn boat, absolutely.” Jane’s laugh ended before it began as she groaned in pain. Her eyes squeezed shut as fiery bursts of discomfort riddled her body. Maura heard the plea for help before she could react. Immediately reclining the bed, Maura casually pushed the PCA pump to administer a sizable dose of dilaudid into Jane’s blood stream. </p><p>“Don’t overexert yourself. Rest, my love. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Maura slid her heels off and folded her legs underneath herself. The chair was still as uncomfortable as before, but within twenty-four hours, Jane would be released and they’d be back to sleeping on her Tempur-Pedic mattress. </p><p>“I can feel that, ya know.” Jane smiled easily as the drugs worked their way warmly into her body.</p><p>“I know.” Maura returned her dopey smile. “But I know what’s best for you, remember? I’m a doctor.” </p><p>“You gonna give me a sponge bath?” Jane sleepily fluttered her eyes closed. </p><p>“Maybe when we get home.” </p><p>“You propositionin’ an officer of the law?” Words slurred together as the drugs began to settle. </p><p>“Every day.” Maura ran her finger lightly over Jane’s hand. The brunette was out cold. Her heart rate monitor showed a steady sinus rhythm. Jane’s blood pressure was normal. Respiratory rate fell within acceptable limits considering the brunette’s injuries and drugs in her system. Maura knew that Jane would be dead to the world. Nothing, not even a hospital fire, would wake her up. </p><p>So as she stared lovingly at her sleeping detective, Maura lifted her hand to her mouth and muffled the heartbreaking sob that escaped. Tears rushed down freckled cheeks and her body shook lightly as she tried to hold back the guttural cries that were begging to be released. Blonde locks began to stick to her neck and black smudges smeared uncharacteristically beneath her eyes. Her only saving grace was the waterproof mascara that refused to budge, despite running an absentminded finger across hardened lashes. </p><p>Eventually, she reached into her Birken for tissues and blew her nose as quietly as she could. The small compact mirror showed her red blotchy cheeks, but makeup was still mostly intact. Blonde curls were still elegantly styled and her silk blouse barely stuck to her back. Maura swiped her finger under her eyes with practiced motions to wipe away the fallout. </p><p>She loved Jane. Everything about her. Even the things that made her so angry, all she saw was red. But nothing would ever prepare Maura for almost losing Jane to the very thing that made the detective get up every morning. She’d never ask Jane to sacrifice a part of who she was, but it was hard to be on the sidelines. </p><p>“You needa hug?” Angela asked as she poked her head into the otherwise silent hospital room.</p><p>She jumped in surprise and tried to wipe the remnants of rogue tears away. Maura quickly shot up from the chair only to wince as her nylon covered feet met cold tiles. The thought of millions of bacterial microbes latching themselves onto her made vellus hairs stand to attention and shot shivers down her spine. Maura shoved her feet into her heels and offered the Rizzoli matriarch her chair. </p><p>“A .38 caliber bullet pierced her kevlar vest and the issued protective gear proved to be doubly preventative due to the ceramic plate inserted in the center of the thoracic region.” Maura crossed her arms and leaned against the wall adjacent to the door. </p><p>“That’s not what I asked,” Angela said softly. </p><p>“I-I…” Words failed to come out of her mouth. She hated physical touch. Or so she thought. The Rizzolis were so warm and so genuine. Maybe it was just affection from her parents and strangers that made her cringe. And if she were honest with herself, they were one in the same. </p><p>So when Angela pulled her into a bone crushing hug, Maura felt her heart bloom with emotion. She felt lighter, but also felt distress weighing her down. Angela ran strong fingers through blonde hair at the nape of her neck. Soothing motions down her back eventually calmed her shakiness. A familiar tune hummed against her ear filled her with a warmth she usually only found with Jane. She nuzzled closer into the only maternal figure she knew and had. </p><p>“It’s hard,” Angela began. “To love someone who loves helping others more.” </p><p>She nodded in acquiescence. This may be the hardest thing she has ever had to do. Loving someone who put themselves last in the crossfire of danger. To know that she would always be third in line, if that, when Jane came toe to toe with a hostile situation. The order would always be the victim, her partner, and maybe she trailed in at a solid third or maybe even fourth. </p><p>“But that’s also what makes you love her, right?” Angela led her out of the room and to the hospital cafeteria. Food, even if it was terrible, always fixed everything. </p><p>“To a fault.” She sat on the metal chair as Angela placed a tray of prepackaged nuked food in front of her. The safest thing was the red Jell-O that had condensation dripping down the sides of the plastic cup. Maura knew what it smelled like before she peeled the aluminum lid back. It brought her back to her residency days where everything seemed just a tiny bit simpler.</p><p>“Remember when I taught you <em> Oh Veni, Sonnu</em>?” Angela forked a soggy green bean into her mouth and grimaced. The audacity to serve sludge and unseasoned food to healthcare professionals providing life-saving services was unconscionable. </p><p>“Jane is still shocked,” Maura mumbled. </p><p>“Do you know why?” </p><p>“Because I’m not family.” </p><p>“<em>Ges</em><em>ù </em> <em> Cristu,</em>” Angela’s eyes bugged out of her head and her brows furrowed in utter disbelief. “Please tell me my dumbass daughter didn’t tell you that?” </p><p>“It’s true though. I’m not married to a Rizzoli nor did I birth a Rizzoli child. By definition—”</p><p>“<em>My daughter</em>,” Angela exhaled with mountains of frustration before she continued, “is as thick as the first batch of <em> paneddi </em> you made, I swear to God.” The Rizzoli famous eye roll was clearly a trait learned from the matriarch. All three children had it down to a science, but seeing the original was mesmerizing, if not a little frightening. “You’ve been family since the day Jane brought you over for Sunday dinner.” </p><p>“But that was a year before Frank Senior—”</p><p>“Jane don’t bring nobody over for Sunday dinn<em>ah </em> ,” Angela tersely stated. “The fact that she brought you was all she needed to say.” The older woman had this <em> fuck outta here </em> attitude and Maura was unsure if she had angered her or if this was how they all conveyed emotion. </p><p>“Why did you teach me <em> la ninna nanna?*</em>” Maura stood on wobbly legs and sat on the other side of the table. Sidling up closely to Angela, she needed the comfort of a mother. Yearning to have just a few moments of clarity and affection from someone other than Jane. And when Angela opened her arms, Maura gently fell into them as her arms wrapped tightly around the older woman’s midsection. Peace at last. </p><p>“I’ve never seen anybody love as openly and as hard as you do. Except maybe Janie, but you returned every ounce she gave. Even when ya both were angry at the world, love was shootin’ out your asses.” Angela pressed a loving kiss on the crown of her head. </p><p>“Is that why you didn’t teach Lydia? She didn’t love Tommy?” Maura sniffled for the last time and sat up. She stretched out her back and tilted her head side to side, hoping for a release of tension. </p><p>“She abandoned her child, my <em> niputi</em>, on <em> your </em> doorstep,” Angela spat. “She lost the right to be part of this family in any capacity other than being TJ’s delivery system <em> . </em>” </p><p>“I’m so confused,” Maura whined. She had a headache forming in the back of her head and her eyes stung from the fluorescent lights beaming down at her. Maybe her social ineptitude also prevented her from reading between the lines. </p><p>“You earned your stripes<em>.</em>” Absolute respect and love coated every syllable. “You saved Frankie. You took me in when I had nothin’. Hell, ya even vouched and housed my derelict felon son. But the biggest feat of all is that you fell in love with the biggest asshole of my children. My heart hurt for you when Jane did what she did, but for once, it wasn’t my place to slap some sense into anybody. Both of yous needed to figure it out for yourselves.” </p><p>“I’d do it for you all again,” Maura confessed quietly. </p><p>“I know, <em> stellina</em>,” Angela replied. “That’s how I know you’re the one. The one who gives just as much as she takes. The one who’s gonna make sure our family tradition and culture don’t fizzle out. The one who keeps Jane in check, but most of all alive and happy. A mother knows these things and God, this is all I wanted for her.” </p><p>“I love you too, Angela.” Maura wrapped both arms around broad shoulders and inhaled the scent of maternal love and comfort. </p><p>“You’ll always be my daughter no matter what happens between you and Janie. But if my gut is right, you’re here for the long haul.” </p><p>“Abso—”</p><p>“Speakin’ of haul, I read something about you lesbians and U-Hauls. When’re you guys movin’ in togeth<em>ah</em>? Officially? Because my freeloader of a daughter is already there 99% of the time.” Angela snorted in amusement and clapped her hands excitedly. </p><p>“Oh, uh, I was going to wait to ask her when she got discharged.” Maura smiled sheepishly. </p><p>“Perfect. I’ll make <em> pignolate </em>for the big announcement.” </p><p>“Teach me?” The last of Maura’s energy went to the excitement bubbling out of her at the prospect of learning something new. Especially something that she knew tasted absolutely divine. She couldn’t wait to perfect these little dough balls of sugar and hopefully, she’d be able to do it without too many frustrated whacks on her knuckles from Angela. It was all in good fun. </p><p>“Of course. When I’m gone one day, you gotta learn how to feed this family. But more importantly, ya gotta learn how to feed my bottomless pit of a daughter too.” </p><p>Maura laughed in what felt like days. Since walking through the revolving doors of Mass Gen, she has been nothing but nauseous and full of distress. The camaraderie she forged with Angela only strengthened as the news of her and Jane’s relationship changed from friends to lovers. She now had an ally, but more importantly, she gained another loving and healthy relationship. Jane was always taking care of her in ways she never realized and at this point, it could only go up from here.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title: It's Amazing by JEM. </p><p>Oh Veni, Sonnu - Oh come, sleep. Sounds weird in English.<br/>La ninna nanna - sleepy song or lullaby. I grew up with it being called sleepy song, but do you. </p><p>If you have the chance, try pignolate. It's usually made around Christmas and some times for Carnevale. What's happier than a yummy dough ball covered in honey with rainbow sprinkles on top? Absolutely nothing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Sewed Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’m apologizing in advance for the hyperfixation I have with Jane &amp; Maura discussing finances, but it’s important to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>Jane was relegated to desk duty for the entirety of her six-week healing process. Despite her incessant whining that she could handle a couple of bruises, the moment Frost tossed a crumpled paper ball at her, he tsked at the hiss she let escape when her arm shot up above her head. The grumble and typical eye roll that followed sealed the deal that she would stay on light duty until she was cleared from a medical professional that wasn’t her girlfriend. </p><p>However, the extra leisure time gave them the luxury and freedom to move all of Jane’s things from her condo to Maura’s house at their own pace. Within the last month, the Rizzoli brothers, Angela, Frost, and Korsak pitched in to transport the ten boxes Jane had to her name to the other side of town. Furniture that was still viable and not peeling or chipped was sold. The clutter she never got around to was sorted and donated. Most importantly, the brunette’s most recent purchase of a seventy-inch flatscreen television was carefully wrapped and packed. They compromised that it would replace the TV in the living room and the one currently in Maura’s house would be moved into the third bedroom to serve as a Jane Cave. </p><p>When the moving truck pulled up to <em> their </em> Beacon Hill residence, neighbors eagerly went to their windows and front doors to see their supposed new neighbor. But Jane wasn’t exactly fresh meat. With minor disappointment, they politely waved to Maura and returned back to their lives. Secretly, the block was grateful to have Jane as a permanent fixture for the sole fact that the BPD unmarked cruiser was always parked out front. </p><p>Prior to the first box of her belongings en route to Maura’s, Jane had already put her condo on the market. The housing bubble was a buyer and seller’s dream because within three weeks, the property was sold. It helped that the location was centralized to public transit and the city center. Soon enough, the offer at about $28,000 over the asking price was solidified and Jane nearly fell over when Maura’s real estate attorney handed her a cashier’s check for just over $370,000. Not knowing what to do with it, Jane ran upstairs and shoved the letter sized paper in Maura’s face. Her excitement caused it to drift from her fingertips.  </p><p>Maura was in her home office. Black glasses framed soft features and brightened hazel eyes. Her fingers typed confidently and rhythmically against the white backlit keyboard as her eyes trailed effortlessly over the words on her iMac. Even as the perforated check landed gracefully on top of her moving fingers, Maura continued as if Jane didn’t just rudely interrupt her. </p><p>“Hello?!” Jane bounced on the balls of her socked feet. Arms flailed above her head to emphasize her need for attention. A heather grey t-shirt rose from the dramatic show and joggers dipped lower onto her hips. </p><p>Ignoring the impatient brunette, Maura finished her last email of the day and nodded in relief at the soft <em> whoosh </em> that signaled a successfully sent message. She gently took her glasses off and laid them carefully onto her custom-made African blackwood desk. Adjusting her shoulders and leaning further against her mesh high back chair, Maura raised an unimpressed eyebrow at her love. </p><p>“Yes?” Maura reached for the check and nodded approvingly at the final number. It was much more than she thought Jane would get, but people did crazy things when they desperately wanted something. The buyer was a quirky yuppie that just got a massive promotion and with the aid of a deceased relative, she was able to buy it outright. </p><p>“I know you’re used to seein’ that many zeroes, but baby, <em> look at it</em>!” Jane pointed to the piece of paper in her hand that could change everything. Maura would make sure that it did. </p><p>“I am,” Maura chuckled. “What are you going to do with it?” </p><p>“Deposit it, obviously.” Jane shrugged her shoulders and briefly gulped at the thought of having that much cash available. </p><p>She didn’t need to buy a house after moving into Maura’s. With all of the household expenses, like utilities and the combined mortgage and tax payment, already prepaid for by a well-endowed trust, they decided that Jane should use her salary for regular expenditures as she normally would. Groceries, costs of being in a relationship, and other discretionary spending items were to remain as they were prior to cohabitating. In fact, Jane was able to start putting over half her salary into a savings account, despite Maura’s slight grimace. </p><p>“You can’t put that kind of cash into a bank on top of what you’ve accumulated since moving in,” Maura stated cautiously. “The FDIC will only cover a quarter million dollars.” </p><p>“So I’ll put half of it into a checkin’ account and the other half into a savin’s account. Boom, problem solved.” Jane grinned and nodded to herself. Proud and smug. </p><p>“It’s not based on the <em> type </em>of account, but rather per person per account by institution.” Maura stood and led Jane to the small sofa in her office. It was quite potentially one of the most comfortable and oldest pieces of furniture she owned. A gift from her parents when she was in med school and she kept it in mint condition. Jane loved to curl up and fall asleep on it while she worked. The tactile and clicky keys on her keyboard never failed to lull Jane to sleep. </p><p>“Uh, so I’ll open up two accounts at different banks.” Jane tugged Maura until she straddled long legs. Her ribs had healed days ago, but she just got clearance from her general practitioner. Maura had missed their closeness more than anything. </p><p>“That’s an option, sure.” Her voice aired on the side of displeasure mixed with <em> ehh</em>. </p><p>“Okay, Del Vecchio, whaddya suggest then?” Hands teasingly raked up her back. The off-the-shoulder sweater Maura chose early this morning made her look so comfy and put together at the same time. It was their day off and they decided to spend Jane’s last few light duty days at home. </p><p>“Invest in blue—” </p><p>“Hell no!” Jane exclaimed with her head jutting up to blatantly indicate her displeasure. “Do I look like a gamblin’ kinda person to you?” </p><p>Maura grabbed a scrunched chin between her pointer and thumb. She gripped authoritatively before brushing their lips together with eyes wide open. Hazel irises bored into brown eyes with a look of determination and control. The whole thing was a power move. One Jane was all too familiar with before Maura inevitably told her what to do and where to stick it. </p><p>“Invest in a blue chip stock. Or three. Whatever you lose, I’ll give you the difference plus an inconvenience fee of 10% of the total amount lost. I’ll even throw in a Good-Faith deposit into whatever stock you choose just to show you how much I believe in the market.” Maura smiled before letting her entire body weight rest against Jane. Arms adoringly wrapped around tense shoulders. </p><p>“That’s a fuckton of money to be playin’ around with, Maur.” Jane leaned her head against the softness of sweater-covered chest. “It’s more than my entire family has ever had.” </p><p>“I know.” She pressed a light kiss against a warm forehead. “But these kinds of stocks stem from very established companies that have historically performed well and they often pay dividends. You’re essentially making money by letting it sit there. You don’t have to get up and go to work. It garners value even when it rains, snows, or hurricanes.” </p><p>“What about the interest rates of a good ol’ savin’s account?” The hesitation was clear, but her questions were going in the right direction. There were three ways to get rich quick: real estate, the stock market, and marriage. The Boston-Italian had too much pride to allow herself to get there by the ladder. </p><p>“At barely half a percent? That’s just a waste of paperwork, really. Think about it this way: you’ve already established an eight month contingency fund and then some. Your pension, on top of the maximum contribution to a 457 (b) Plan, is more than sufficient to give you a padded retirement. You’ve been hoarding your salary since you moved in and your investment will be 100% insured by me.” Maura mentally began calculating the rough numbers for Jane’s return on investment if she chose the equitable path and dumped the entirety of the proceeds from the condo into a stock. </p><p>“You’re crunchin’ aren’t ya?” Jane rolled her eyes, but was secretly impressed at her genius’s ability to mentally calculate percentages. </p><p>“Assume you invest $300,000 of the proceeds from the condo with a company that’s $60 per share with an annual dividend per share amounting to $3.60, which yields to 6%.” </p><p>“Uh, yeah, sure, okay.” Thank God for basic math. She was no scrub, but this was definitely above her pay grade. She understood the calculation, but anything beyond that, Jane knew that she was toast. There were people for this. People like Maura. </p><p>“Within the first year, assuming nothing catastrophic happens, you’ll receive an $18,000 dividend payment annually, or $4,500 quarterly. You literally just made $18,000 by not doing a thing.” Maura’s excitement was contagious. Jane’s smile rivaled the sun. Hesitation was thick, but trust was thicker. It really couldn’t hurt and while she didn’t want Maura’s money, the offer was there as a safety net. If anything happened, God forbid, and she lost a significant portion of the funds invested, Maura was there as a failsafe.</p><p>“Okay, let’s do it.” </p><p>“Excellent!” Maura bobbed with elation as she placed her hands on Jane’s shoulder and shook them with excitement. “You have two options: a) you can do it yourself with an online trading platform <em> or </em>b) you can let my financial team manage it for you. At no extra cost. It’s a contractual agreement so any additions to the portfolio is no skin off their head.” Dork-thea still had her numbers hat on. </p><p>“How’s it that you can tell me what my annual dividend payment is, outta thin air, but you can’t remember idioms? It’s no skin off your <em> back</em>.” Jane shook her head in amusement and simultaneous disbelief. </p><p>“I can’t have it all, Jane.” Maura chuckled. </p><p>“Why is this important to you?” Jane asked. </p><p>“Because I know that our financial disparity bothers you on a subconscious level. This will ensure that you will always have your independence. The condo was yours and so are the proceeds.” </p><p>“But what’s mine is yours,” Jane argued. </p><p>“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Maura warned. “But I don’t need it.” </p><p>“I know, but—” </p><p>“Imagine a game of Battleship. You against me. Except you only have the Destroyer and I have all five battleships plus an additional fleet of ten more ships to replace the ones that sank. How is that fair?” </p><p>“Where the hell did you learn about Battleship?” Jane chuckled at the reference, but was glad it smoothed everything over. </p><p>“TJ made me buy it for him at the store. I read the instructions cover to cover.” </p><p>“Don’t ever change, yeah?” Jane smashed their lips together as her stomach growled something fierce. It was almost dinner time and Maura was making a celebratory meal for the family to commemorate Jane returning to active duty. It was also serving as their house warming party as the Rizzoli gang plus Frost and Korsak would be there with U-Haul jokes and booze. </p><p>There wasn’t a better way to spend a Thursday night. </p><hr/><p>Dinner was a ruckus as always. Tommy and Frankie argued over who got the last buttered roll. Frost and Jane continually tried to push and shove each other off their chairs. Korsak and Angela went back and forth about whether or not sugar belonged in the ragù. Maura just sat there and absorbed every moment. The chaos gave her a sense of home and comfort. </p><p>Eventually, dessert was placed on the table and everyone salivated over the small doughy balls covered in sweetness. The decorative sprinkles added a cutesy flair to the season specific dessert and of course, the youngest of the lot tried to sneak his grabby little hand onto the serving dish. </p><p>Angela’s silver fork smacked the back of his knuckles quicker than he could retract them. The snorts and giggles at the table created a petulant pout on Tommy’s face, but Maura coddled him as she rubbed his back in solidarity. Politely, the matriarch picked up the heavy dish and used the tongs to place <em> pignolate </em>on her plate. </p><p>“I’m givin’ up swearin’ and wine for Lent.” Angela fired off the <em> Carnevale </em>festivity as she passed the plate to her right. The guffaws at the table from the Rizzoli siblings were abruptly halted as soon as a threatening eyebrow raised and laser-like stares bored into their souls. None of the Rizzoli children believed that Angela could restrain herself from profanity. Wine? Sure, that was easy. Swearing? Well, the next forty days would be interesting to say the least.</p><p>“I’m giving up sleeping in the nude,” Maura offered. She gracefully placed two sweets onto her plate and as she went to hand the dessert tray to Tommy, she noticed the eerie silence engulfing her dining room table. Frost was squeezing his mouth shut. Korsak and Angela had eyes wide as saucers. Frankie and Tommy grimaced at the implication. But Jane? Her smile was filled with mirth as she went to rest her head on a scarred hand with her forefinger resting gently on her cheekbone. </p><p>“Babe,” Jane chuckled. “Remember how we were talkin’ ‘bout you bein’ a social cripple?” Jane truly felt awful, but she was trying so hard to not burst out laughing. The look of pure seriousness was endearing. Maura couldn’t help it. </p><p>“But Lent is about giving up something you love to do or really enjoy!” Her rebuttal was innocent and genuine. No one had the heart to correct her, except the two brothers she gained since becoming part of the family. They have slowly incorporated her into their menacing behavior, but ever since she and Jane began dating, the sibling torture increased tenfold.</p><p>“Ain’t that a shame, Janie? Easy access gone for 40 days!” Frankie’s laughter made him vibrate in his chair as Tommy joined in shortly after. The indoctrinated other younger brother, Frost, began to tear as laughter busted out of his mouth. Within seconds, the entire table followed suit and while Maura felt utterly embarrassed, there was an air of love and adoration. Sure they were having a laugh at her expense, but the familial hazing was just part of being a family. Especially this family.</p><p>“Yeah, well, at least I’m gettin’ some,” Jane shot back. Laughter tears were running down almost everyone’s faces. </p><p>“Actually—” Maura began.</p><p>“Aye!” Jane hollered. “<em>Giuru</em>, if you finish that sentence...” The booming warning was deafening. <em> I swear. </em>The table quieted down, except it was Angela’s turn to find humor. Her palm slapped against the table and rattled all the plates, flatware, and glasses. Korsak jumped at the sudden loud noise and Tommy had to refrain from joining his mother. Frost doubled over in laughter as Frankie used his cloth napkin to dab his eyes. Family dinners were a complete train wreck and not one person would have it any other way. </p><hr/><p>Champagne and mid-priced bottles of wine littered the marble counter. Curling ribbon made the gifts look festive enough for an Italian Christmas. The greens, whites, and reds of the gift bags and bows looked childishly out of place in the modernly decorated kitchen. Maura smiled softly at the homey aesthetic it gave to her house as she loaded the last of the dishes in the dishwasher. As she bent down to drop a Cascade pod in the dishwasher, Jane returned from taking the trash out.</p><p>Not much had changed since Jane moved in. Household chore division was the same and if anything, it was easier for Jane to keep up with everything since she was permanently living with Maura now. There was no longer a need to go back to her condo and let Maura’s recycling bin fill over halfway. She was able to properly dispose of cooking oil if Maura ever accumulated any, instead of having to stomach the gross Chinese quart container of dirty oils she made the blonde start using. The day she saw Maura dump piping hot grease down the dish drain was the day Jane almost had an aneurysm. </p><p>The brunette also had new pet projects around the house. Like replacing the sink drain and pipe in the kitchen because of said oil. Fixing the running toilet in the half bathroom on the first floor. Buying an automatic rewind hose reel so Maura wouldn’t have to lug the hose from the front of the house to the back when she finished gardening. Her goal was to find ways to make life easier for Maura. Jane felt like she needed to contribute more to the household as she wasn’t helping monetarily, so picking up an extra project or six around the house was the least she could do. </p><p>Maura tried to argue that she could easily call someone to do all of the odds and ends. She tried to justify it by reminding Jane that she worked an excess of seventy hours a week and when she was home, free time should be used to relax. Not work. That was their first real argument since the start of domesticity together. Jane indignantly reminded Maura that the Lord gave her two hands so she could work, not pay for somebody else’s hands to do what she could do in less time and no money. </p><p>Eventually, Maura let it go. She started to notice that Jane got some kind of weird satisfaction from doing things with her hands. Like she was proud of what the hands of mankind were capable of doing. But Maura knew her own limitations and she drew the line at home repairs. </p><p>When she first bought the house, she tried hanging up a mirror on her own. As good as she was with a scalpel, Maura was shit with a hammer. About nine nails ended up being sacrificed before the tenth made her annoyed enough to lose focus. </p><p>The hammer went straight through the wall and she made it worse by trying to flatten the edges of splintered plaster. Maura put the hammer down and called a handyman. He offered to patch the hole, but she was so embarrassed, she waved it off and soon enough, the decorative mirror hid what was underneath. Over time, she forgot it was there until she went to move it and replace it with a framed picture of her and Jane. </p><p>Jane gawked at the hole and proceeded to whip out a half gallon tub of spackle, a wet cloth, a putty knife, and a small sanding sponge. Within twelve hours, the hole was gone and within another twelve, it was repainted with a picture frame hiding the good-as-new wall. Maura would be lying if she didn’t find Handy Jane attractive. She found herself lustfully glancing out of the corners of her eyes everytime Jane stuck headphones in her ears, adorned a skin tight black tank top, and carried a commercial yellow colored tool kit. </p><p>“Whatcha thinkin’ ‘bout?” Jane pulled herself up onto the empty side of the counter and swung her legs gently back and forth.</p><p>Maura leaned against both hands that gripped the edge of the sink lightly. Her head bowed between her shoulders as she got lost in thought. She swayed side to side as she shifted weight from left to right. </p><p>“You.” </p><p>“Somethin’ the matter?” Jane scrunched her nose and glanced around the kitchen for anything she may have missed. “Did I forget the trash in the bathroom again?” </p><p>“No, my love,” Maura assured. She turned around and stepped between parted legs. Hands went straight to a trim waist and with the help of the recently Pledged surface, Jane slid effortlessly into her midsection. Maura had to crane her neck up high for her lips to reach the point of Jane’s chin. The height difference, while normally appreciated, was a hindrance. But when Maura flicked her tongue and teasingly ran it down the strained column of Jane’s neck, her intention was clear.</p><p>“Oh,” Jane whispered.</p><p>“Unless you’re tired?” Maura lovingly pulled back and stretched her arms up and around narrow shoulders. </p><p>“For what? <em> This</em>?” Jane waved an Italian hand between them, pointing to Maura and herself in rapid succession. “Never.”</p><p>“I can wait.” Maura offered her one more out. While it would physically and sexually pain her, Jane did just finish healing. Another day or so wouldn’t be too terrible. </p><p>“Ya sure, baby girl?” Jane smirked knowingly and tilted her head to the right. “Because it don’t look like you can.” </p><p>She groaned. North End mixed with smugness and Jane’s pet name she strictly used for sex was the catalyst for her libido going haywire. Sex and confidence oozed from the brunette and while Maura thought she had the upper hand with Jane being in the more submissive position, the Italian had the innate ability to top from the bottom. </p><p>“Either tell me you’re tired or fuck me. Those are your options.” And the gloves were off. Patience was wearing thin. Her heart began to race and she throbbed like she has never throbbed before. </p><p>“Well, well,” Jane teased. “What’s with the attitude?” </p><p>“Jane—” </p><p>A forceful thumb brushed roughly over her lips and dipped salaciously into her mouth. She exhaled deeply as her lips had a mind of their own and closed wetly over the intrusive digit. Teeth scraped against the pad of a calloused finger as her tongue wrapped hotly around Jane. With a resounding pop, she released her lover and listened to her next demand. </p><p>“Go upstairs, get undressed, and lay face down.” Jane tugged Maura closer by her chin until they were eye to eye. Lashes were ticklish across cheekbones. Jane pecked the tip of her nose and spun her around. With a soft pat to her ass, Maura glided up the stairs.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title: 679 by Fetty Wap</p><p>*Leonardo Del Vecchio is the richest man in Italy, as of today. His wealth is estimated to be about 25.8 billion USD.</p><p>**457 (b) Plan: Optional and additional retirement plan for public servants. Specifically, policemen, firemen, and other government employees. It’s similar to a 401K.</p><p>***Carnevale (transl: goodbye/farewell to meat) is on the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday where everyone indulges and stuffs their face with all that is gluttonous before the start of Lent. </p><p>Irrelevant: The pignolate this year was delicious, but unfortunately eaten over Zoom.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. I Need All of it to Myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Subject of control issue(s) arise, FYI. Different strokes for different folks. I had to make, at least, one innuendo for this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>The cold made her shiver. Her front was pressed intimately against the sheets that were soon to be ruined. Before she followed her last marching order, Maura turned the bed down. She left a lone pillow by the headboard but hastily piled the other three onto the fabric lounger. The European down duvet was rolled carelessly and shucked onto the same chair. Her clothes were balled tightly and tossed somewhere near the hamper in the corner of her bedroom. It was a damn shame that Jane wouldn’t get to see what she wore underneath her dress. </p><p>As she laid patiently on her belly, she crossed her ankles and folded her arms militantly behind her back. It gave her a semblance of modesty, but she could feel the heat emanating between her thighs. She tried to roll her hips forward to ease the throbbing, but the friction made it worse. All she could do was wait. </p><p>And wait. </p><p>And wait. </p><p>And wait.</p><p>A slight creak in her wooden stairs made her ears strain. The second step from the top was always the loudest and when she didn’t hear it, she furrowed her brows. It took approximately twenty-five seconds for the average person to walk up one flight of stairs, but Jane had legs as long as the Nile and could run a six minute mile. Realistically, it should have only taken Jane approximately nine seconds to get up the stairs and an additional four seconds for her to make it into the bedroom. </p><p>The fact of the matter was that Jane should have been here already. Knuckle deep inside of her and making her moan. With heaps of frustration, Maura's face planted into the mattress and she sighed obnoxiously as the bed sprang back into her face. She went to unfold her arms from behind her back only for her wrists to be grasped by scarred hands. </p><p>“I didn’t even have to ask you to assume the position,” Jane rasped. </p><p>Her body stiffened at the gravelly nature of her lover’s voice. Rough fingertips ran from the nape of her neck down to her tailbone. She willed her body to remain still, but shivers made her shimmy in place. Her knee jerked as teasing touches sloped down her ass and blunt nails ran purposefully over the backs of her thighs. Maura squeezed her legs together, but was warned against it when a sharp slap came down onto sensitive skin. </p><p>She turned her head over her shoulder and collapsed further into the bed. Jane stood in black boy shorts, more akin to skin tight boxers. Long unruly locks of brunette waves were loose and wild around a focused face. Pert breasts emphasized femininity as did the sloping V of Jane’s pelvic region. A goddess was in her bedroom and she’ll be damned if she didn’t appreciate the effort it took to look this sexy. </p><p>But desperation was an unpredictable force. The burning stares, the teasing touches, and the wetness seeping out of her was unbearably uncomfortable. So she turned onto her back and planted her feet flat against the bed. Legs splayed open and arms fell to her side. An invitation. </p><p>“<em>Jay, please</em>.” </p><p>Her cheeks burned red at the exposure and vulnerability. Blood was rushing south and it was making her light headed. The pounding in her chest and in her clit were racing to the finish line, but there was no one driving. It was torture watching Jane scrutinize her every breath. It made her wet and simultaneously nervous. She was aware of their chemistry and synchronicity. If she didn’t melt straight through the twelve-inch deep mattress, it would be a miracle. </p><p>A reprieve surfaced as Jane kneeled at the edge of the bed. The movement was barely felt as Jane laid her body between parted thighs and perfectly settled breast to breast. Skin on skin contact, in God knew how long, was overwhelming, but absolutely divine. Maura couldn’t contain the gasp as a zing of pleasure shot its way down her body. Lips hotly took hers as Jane began her onslaught. </p><p>Tongues flicked and teased against one another as frenzied hands mapped and grabbed every inch of skin they could. Hips drove against each other rhythmically and knowingly. Legs twisted and pulled their bodies closer and closer together. Gasps, moans, and groans filled the otherwise quiet room and soon enough, Jane became unhinged. </p><p>Scarred hands gripped pale wrists and pushed them roughly over the blonde’s head. Teeth nipped and sucked downwards, and when she got to the hollow of Maura’s neck, she paused. Brown eyes glanced up as her tongue laved hotly against a knowing weak spot. Maura’s body caved in as hazel eyes rolled back. Legs hooked behind muscular thighs and pulled Jane harder and closer into her. The desire to be consumed was overpowering. </p><p>“Tell me what you need,” Jane murmured. </p><p>Words were difficult. Maura was not much of a talker in bed. She preferred direct actions and blatant gestures. The occasional affirmation was a rarity, but with Jane, she was pushed and forced to utter the filthiest of things. It never failed to make her blush, but the pool of arousal that followed was something to note. But she just didn’t do it for herself. Every word that came out of her mouth spurred Jane on and as breathy syllables formed into choppy phrases, it fueled the innate passion the Italian harbored. </p><p>“It’s obvious,” Maura whined. </p><p>Jane chose that moment to graze her teeth across peaked arousal and used a free hand to run her thumb ever so lightly across the other. Maura couldn’t believe how adept Jane was at this, but that wasn’t something she wanted to think about. She had her inklings from the smooth and confident touches that she too was familiar with. </p><p>Her mind went blank as lips softly trailed down her stomach and stopped right above her pubic bone. Smooth skin was peppered with hot kisses and Jane slid down Maura’s body to comfortably align herself with wetness. Bare skin glistened and Maura gasped at the groan Jane released. Puffs of air breezed by scorching heat and Maura closed her eyes in preparation. Legs were shaking with anticipation. </p><p>A chilly nose nudged her clit and tensed calves twitched in surprise. But as soon as contact was made, it was abruptly taken away. Jane wrapped strong arms around her thighs and pulled roughly. Dripping arousal stared at her lover. Glistening and wet. The deep inhalation shouldn’t have been as attractive as it was, but Maura clenched at the sound. </p><p>“You gonna tell me or not?” Jane moved her lips fractions of a millimeter from wetness. Maura could feel every breath in and out hitting her swollen sex. The pounding, throbbing, and dripping was at an all-time high. Free hands gripped brunette curls and tried to drag a tortuous mouth to where she needed it the most. But Jane was much stronger and more focused than she was. Jane was making a statement. She was putting on a show and God, if Maura didn’t love her for it. </p><p>“<em>Just fuck me, please</em>…” Maura begged. </p><p>“How?” Jane rewarded her with a firm kiss against her clit. </p><p>“Any way you want,” Maura tried breathlessly. She jerked her hips up to not lose the friction and contact, but Jane was always ten steps ahead of her. </p><p>“Not good enough, baby girl.” Jane used her thumb and forefinger to expose a swollen clit. All she had to do was move an inch and half forward before she was surrounded by swimming wetness. </p><p>“<em>God,</em>” Maura cried. “<em>Please.</em>” Desperation fogged her brain and she quickly brought her left hand down to cover herself. The lack of stimulation, but the building pressure was getting to be too much. Maura was reaching the end of her rope and soon, she’d be a puddle of wetness and frustration. The cusp of pleasure and suffering was bordering on the lines of torture, but the edging made her hotter than she has ever been. Clearly, Jane loved to teeter on the precipice of sexual entrapment and misery. God, she hoped that she’d survive because the last thing she needed was to be ill-equipped to keep up with Jane. </p><p>“You gotta tell me what you need,” Jane calmly stated. “I need to hear ya say it. Ask for it.” </p><p>She was a woman of many words. They called her wordy and overly articulate. Her vocabulary was vast and multilingual. But six syllable words with a minimum of eight vowels had no business being uttered in bed. Jane didn’t want to hear words that belonged in a national spelling bee. Absolutely not. Her lover needed words that only showed up in trashy romance novels and overtly sexual music. </p><p>“I need you to make me come,” Maura sobbed out of frustration. “Put your mouth on my clit, fuck me hard, just...<em> please</em>—I...I need you to—<em>fuck</em>!” Eyes slammed shut as warmth covered her throbbing sex. </p><p>The frenzied pace of tongue dipping in and out of her only to flick against a straining clit had her hips jerking harshly. Strong hands pressed her hips flat against the bed, forcing her to take what was being given. Jane was ruthless in her pursuit. Moans and groans of satisfaction from the brunette vibrated against her making her back arch like a bow. The sound of Jane enjoying herself ratcheted up Maura’s arousal and soon chills began crawling their way up her legs. </p><p>She had been immensely distracted by the wonders of Jane’s mouth and she wasn’t prepared for the pressure of a finger circling her entrance. Eyes shot open and her mouth dropped. Surprise gasps got stuck in her throat and Maura choked on them as a long dexterous finger made its way swiftly inside. If she thought Jane was ruthless earlier, she was wrong. Dead wrong. </p><p>Athleticism and stamina were on full display. A toned olive arm pistoned in and out of her, leaving nothing in its wake. Between the flattened tongue laving steadily against her clit and a ring finger joining the middle, it was a feat that she didn’t split in half. White heat began to coil in her lower belly and her legs locked almost uncomfortably. The plantar flexion of her feet should’ve been painful—it should’ve caused a cramp—but years of ballet helped her body prepare for release. </p><p>“You gonna come, baby?” Jane panted and pushed through the burning in her arm. </p><p>Maura began to thrash against the bed as she eagerly shook her head. She felt exposed. But it was a different kind of vulnerability. The kind where emotion was too high to comprehend and there was no place to hide. And as much as she loved Jane’s tongue on her clit, she needed her above and around her. So with wanton need and emotional aggression, Maura yanked Jane up and crashed their lips together. The taste of herself on Jane’s tongue was all she needed for waves to begin barreling toward the shore. </p><p>Narrow hips continued the motions Jane’s arm abandoned. A calloused thumb took over for Jane’s tongue and with no time lost or spared, Maura clenched impossibly hard around long fingers. The shaky staccato of labored breathing was puffed into her lover’s mouth as she began to fall over the edge. </p><p>Jane kept their lips pressed together as she angled her fingers up and curled them back. Gasps and choked back moans filled the sex hazed atmosphere and Maura rolled her hips in time with Jane’s thrusts. When bursts of heat pricked up and down her body, her body froze as she let waves crash into her. Jane’s soothing and crooning words made her sob as she succumbed to the pleasure. </p><p>“You’re doin’ so good, baby,” Jane reassured adoringly. “Ride it out. Take what you need…” </p><p>Minutes felt like hours. The emotional release and toll made her exhausted. It was hard work to reach an orgasm that was quite literally pried from her. Jane made her work for it harder than she has ever had to. The brunette pulled every ounce of effort and come she had in her body. It was physically draining to be driven that hard, but good Lord, what a way to go. </p><p>Eventually, she settled back against the damp sheets and Jane slumped against her. Sweat coated both of their bodies, which made them stick to one another. Her chest heaved rapidly as her heart tried to keep up. Toned legs felt like melted Jell-O and her sex felt raw and exposed. She weakly grabbed Jane’s hand and firmly pressed a scarred palm against her still pulsing core. The calming and warm pressure helped her relax. </p><p>But Jane got other ideas. Fingers ran slyly up and down overwhelming wetness and her back spasmed as legs snapped close. </p><p>“Jane,” Maura groaned, “no more…”</p><p>“Don’t tell me you’re one and done,” Jane teased. </p><p>“You’re cruel, you know that?” Maura laid her arm over her eyes and relished in her post-coital high. She will definitely be sore tomorrow. The tension in her groin, the burning in her calves, the stiffness in her neck and back. Maura hadn’t been fucked like this in over a decade and she underestimated Jane’s crushing ability to break her back. If this was a precursor to the rest of their lives, Maura was going to have to make some lifestyle adjustments. Starting with more yoga and sex twice a day. </p><p>“Too much?” Jane sat up and dragged saturated boy shorts down her legs. Black cotton soared through the air before they landed shamelessly on top of Maura’s discarded clothing. </p><p>Maura gently shook her head. She couldn’t quite verbalize her appreciation for Jane’s sexual prowess. Nor did she want to. Saying it aloud and admitting that she enjoyed the minor torture would only inflate an ego that already took up the whole house. She really didn’t need that. </p><p>So when her breathing returned to normal and she felt her blood pressure regulate, Maura clasped her hands with Jane’s. She remembered something from the first and last time she made Jane come undone. The hesitation to ask was evident and Maura wasn’t sure if it would kill the mood or if Jane would even want to talk about it. </p><p>“Remember the night you found me in the bath?” Maura sat up on weak legs and climbed her way onto Jane’s lap. Her sensitive core unintentionally brushed against rock hard abs and arms wrapped around naked shoulders. Jane leaned back against the headboard and pulled Maura closer to her. Warm olive skin was stark against smooth freckles. </p><p>“Do ya really think I’d forget that night?” Jane nipped lightly at her neck. </p><p>“Remember when I was inside of you?” Maura took both hands and brought Jane’s face to hers. Eye to eye. Nose to nose. Lips whispers apart from each other. “And you didn’t want to come like that? Is that a standing order?” </p><p>Hands that palmed her back tensed. Jane gnawed at the inside of her bottom lip and refused to meet her eyes. Ankles were absentmindedly rolling against the bed—a tell tale sign of discomfort. The crack of synovial fluid being released echoed in the room. The silence was loud. Deafening. </p><p>“I...” Jane scrunched her face. “I’m just not a huge fan. It always feels like I’m gettin’ stabbed or some shit.” </p><p>“Did I hurt you?” Maura tilted her head. She didn’t notice any discomfort or feel any tension from an unwanted intrusion. But she also wasn’t the one getting fucked either. </p><p>“No!” Jane exclaimed. “In all honesty, I didn’t really notice ‘til I was close and it felt...uncomfortable.” </p><p>“Uncomfortable how?” Maura raised a brow.</p><p>“Like somethin’ was wrong. The pressure kept buildin’ to the point where I felt like I was gonna split right open. I didn’t know what the hell was goin’ on and I didn’t want to ruin the groundwork you put in.” </p><p>“Have you felt like that before?” Maura tried to hide the grimace as she and Jane sat naked in her bed. The topic of previous lovers always had a catastrophic reaction with them, but Maura was a scientist. She needed all the data before making a conclusion. A hypothesis was formed and now all she had to do was obtain pertinent information, conduct an experiment, and share her findings. </p><p>“You really wanna talk about this?” Jane squinted her eyes skeptically.</p><p>“Quickly, please.” Maura requested with less enthusiasm. </p><p>“Only when I was with other women,” Jane disclosed. “I just can’t come like that.” </p><p>“And what about Gabriel and Charles?” Maura tried to leave the distaste out of her voice. The men she didn’t really care about. There was no competition there. And it wasn’t the thought about Jane <em> with </em>other women that irked her. The past was the past. It was the fact that they didn’t bother to learn more about Jane and what she needed. She chucked it up to failed intuition and selfishness. </p><p>“I could never finish with them inside.” Jane burned red and hid her face against a chuckling chest. </p><p>“My love,” Maura began with an uncontrollable laugh, “that has to be the gayest thing I’ve heard today, which is a tragedy since you just made me come.” </p><p>“Yeah, yeah. I figured that maybe I was into chicks more, but are we done now? I’m dry <em> and </em>sticky and would like to take a shower.” Sulky Jane was cute. Pouty lips were begging to be nipped and the petulant behavior was screaming to be challenged. </p><p>“Oh no you don’t.” Maura clamped her legs around Jane’s waist and held her down. “I want to try something.” </p><p>“Uh-uh,” Jane warned. “I ain’t no science experiment. I saw that brainy ass look on your face.” </p><p>“Don’t you trust me?” Her voice dropped an octave or three and a lower lip gently made its way between pearly white teeth. Maura stared longingly into untrusting brown eyes and grabbed Jane’s left hand to cover her sensitive sex. She was still wet as she pressed long fingers against herself. The slight and overly emphasized moan wasn’t usual, but it did the trick. Lustful touches began circling her clit and she let it continue as her hips rolled forward. </p><p>“You know I do,” Jane gritted out. “But don’t think I ain’t seein’ straight through this little manipulation.” </p><p>Called out, but it didn’t stop teasing fingers from swirling through her arousal. Maura had to stay focused. She had a theory to test and while the reasoning wouldn’t be surprising, it would make their sex life exponentially better in the long run. </p><p>“Don’t you love me?” Maura lifted her hips up and sank down on fingers near her entrance. “Don’t you want to make me happy?” Kneeling and pushing down against strong shoulders, Maura rode Jane softly but with purpose. She lowered her mouth to red tipped ears and made sure to let Jane know she appreciated everything she was doing. </p><p>If Maura had to overexert herself to prove a point, she’ll call out of work the following day to recuperate. The determination was strong, but for now, it was put on the back burner until Jane got her fill.</p><p>It wouldn’t take her long. She was so so sensitive and the prospect of returning the favor made her gush with anticipation. So when Jane added a third, Maura relaxed her body and accepted her fate. Jane worked slowly and in sync with her hips. Lips, teeth, and tongue teased her breasts as a free hand went to her clit. But as always, slow evolved into fast, hard, and deep. </p><p>The closer she got, the harder and faster her hips canted. The closer she got, the harder and faster fingers thrusted in and out of her. Jane’s words of encouragement and demand made her keen. Maura was right on the edge and just seconds more, she’d be falling over. </p><p>“So what,” Jane panted, “are you tryna do?” </p><p>“You have—<em>oh fuck, I’m so close,</em>” Maura cried. </p><p>“Spit it out or else.” </p><p>Maura clenched around fingers. She tried to clear her mind, but she was so so close. Her right hand slapped Jane’s hand out of the way and went to work. Hard, knowing circles firmly pressed against her swollen clit and within seconds, she gasped her final breath of air before jerkily thrusting against stationary fingers. She leaned back with her arm resting on the bed and angled her hips downwards. She slammed down onto Jane and rode out the last of her waves. </p><p>“You have control issues,” Maura heaved as she collapsed forward and against Jane’s still body. Fingers were still buried inside, but it felt too good to ask her to pull out. She felt full. Satiated and undeniably satisfied. </p><p>“Excuse me?” Jane sucked her teeth. “Hella rude considering the work I just did.” </p><p>“It’s true,” Maura said airily. She couldn’t remember the last time someone made her come in succession. “It’s why you won’t get in a car you’re not driving. It’s why you wouldn’t let me or the boys help you put together my five hundred pound desk. It’s why you can’t let yourself go completely when you’re having sex. Actually, it explains a lot about you.” Her chest was shakily slowing as her breathing began to regulate itself. </p><p>“Hey!” Jane interjected. “I trust you when you drive. You’ve successfully made me come and I <em> do not </em> have control issues.” </p><p>“Oh, really?” Maura lifted herself up and fluttered her eyes as she disengaged from wiggling fingers. She rolled onto her back and shifted until she was comfortably lying with ample space above her head. Shoulders rolled in circles as she loosened her exhausted body. This was going to be a true testament of trust. “Prove it.” </p><p>“Psh, yeah fine. How?” Jane raked obsidian eyes over her spent body. </p><p>“Sit on my face.” Maura tilted her head teasingly to the right and grinned knowingly at her lover. </p><p>“Uh…” Jane panicked. The exposure. The vulnerability. The act of being at Maura’s mercy. </p><p>“I can fuck you just as well on your back as I can with you hovering over my lips.” Maura laid it on thick. If Jane could pry filth from her mouth in the moment, then she should be able to take it. It couldn’t always be what Jane wanted all the time. Maura had to keep her on her toes too. </p><p>“I don’t wanna hurt you,” Jane tried. She couldn’t backpedal fast enough. </p><p>“I’m stronger than I look,” Maura assured. With gentle hands, she coaxed Jane’s leg over her chest and licked her lips in anticipation. She missed the taste of her. Missed the way fingers grasped onto blonde locks in an uncontrollable grip. Missed the way Jane’s body tried to shy away from the fullness. Maura was going to wring Jane dry. </p><p>She didn’t give Jane a chance to back out. Unsure legs kneeled above her and she was just out of reach. Maura wasn’t going to wait for Jane to plant herself on a waiting mouth, so she scooted down the bed in one solid move. Arms wrapped roughly around muscular thighs and she pulled Jane flush against her face. </p><p>Wetness smeared across her lips and Maura didn’t hesitate to take everything that was cascading onto and into her. It was empowering to have Jane like this. Maura didn’t take her eyes off of Jane as her tongue worked relentlessly against swollen flesh. </p><p>Scarred hands gripped the wooden spindles of the headboard and her body hunched forward at the sudden rush. Jane groaned loudly as she glanced down into hazel eyes that stared intently back at her. Maura was resolute in her pursuit to make her lover become unhinged. So when Jane sank down, Maura took the opportunity to carefully slide a gentle finger into her. The angle was wrong. It was awkward and a little bit uncomfortable. </p><p>“Maura…” Jane warned with no bite. No heat, just a plea. </p><p>Her mouth was otherwise too occupied to respond, but Jane didn’t fight her on it. She softly worked in and out as her mouth kept a steady pace. Her jaw began to burn, but it was worth the pain. Jane clenched and clenched around her and Maura couldn’t believe how they sounded. It was loud. Illicit and wet. So very very wet. </p><p>The jerkiness of Jane’s stomach was mesmerizing to watch. The way muscles contracted and moved was absolutely erotic. Maura began to switch tactics to see which would elicit the best response and when she found it, she mercilessly used it to her advantage. </p><p>Jane was mumbling. Whether or not it was clear, coherent, or in English was another story. But Maura couldn’t help but garner confidence and an ego from the detective writhing above her. Hips were erratic as she flattened her tongue and let Jane take what she needed. Her wrist stung from the unfavorable position, but Jane didn’t seem to mind. A single finger turned into two and Jane froze above her. </p><p>With an obscenely indecent wet pop, Maura breathed out hard, “It’s just me, baby. I love you.” </p><p>Jane’s eyes lustfully rolled back and she nodded her head. Back to work Maura went. Fingers thrusted impossibly deeper and curled up. Her mouth worked overtime for what felt like hours. Slowly but surely Jane let go of the headboard and bit her knuckle as Maura pushed up and a little to the right. </p><p>“<em>Christ,</em>” Jane gasped with wide eyes. </p><p>Long fingers fisted blonde hair and her neck extended up as Jane used her as a board to ride. She relaxed against desperation and watched with love as Jane let go. The strangled cry and sporadic gyrating was a beautiful sight. One that she’d cherish forever. </p><p>Jane let white heat continually crash into her and when tidal waves crashed and broke, the tide ebbed and flowed peacefully. A sense of serenity washed over both of them and Maura barely caught Jane as the brunette deflated into her arms. Gangly limbs were hard to maneuver, but Maura managed as she draped the top sheet over both of their shivering bodies. </p><p>Tears escaped out of brown eyes and Maura pulled Jane against her bare chest. The high and release was overwhelming. It filled Jane with an engulfing sense of lost control, but she couldn’t reconcile it as she was covered by Maura’s unwavering devotion. The falling was terrifying, but Maura was there. </p><p>Maura was always there. </p><p>“Please don’t tell nobody that I cried after sex.” Jane sniffled as she wiped her eyes against the soft skin of Maura’s chest. </p><p>“I’d never betray your trust or love like that,” Maura whispered. </p><p>“This ain’t gonna be a regular thing.” Embarrassment and shame was evident in her body language. </p><p>“My love, what happens between us, but especially in this bed, is for our eyes, ears, and mouth alone.” Soft lips pressed against a warm forehead. </p><p>“I’m sor—” </p><p>“Don’t you dare,” Maura threatened. “There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with what we did.” </p><p>“I…” Jane was at a loss for words. The need to convey strength was all she knew. </p><p>Maura sat up and softly pulled Jane’s head onto her lap. She ran gentle fingers through brunette curls and used her fingertips to massage a tight scalp. The tension in Jane’s hair follicles had to be painful, but definitely stress induced. </p><p>“There isn’t anything you could do that would make me stop loving you. I can dislike things that you do and at certain times, I may not like you, but I will <em> always </em>love you.”</p><p>“I don’t want you to think that I can’t take care of you.” Jane rolled over and landed completely onto Maura’s front. Clingy Jane always required physical affection. It curated safety and promoted intimacy. Maura could and would never deny a basic need. </p><p>“But I know you can,” Maura replied. “You always do. But Jane, it’s also my job to take care of you.” </p><p>“Nah, I can take care of myself.” </p><p>Ah. There it was. </p><p>“<em>Quis custodiet ipsos custodes</em>?” Maura asked.</p><p>“<em>Chi</em>?” Jane answered with a question. <em> What? </em></p><p>“Who guards the guards themselves?” Maura translated. </p><p>“We don’t need nobody, that’s why we’re the guards.” In Jane's world, that made perfect sense. It was completely rational and part of the generally accepted principles of being the eldest child of an Italian family. She was always the protector. The caregiver. The provider. And as she aged, responsibility grew and grew. Angela, while a wonderful mother, needed the help and support as much as Tommy and Frankie did. It all fell on Jane and it always has, even when Frank Senior was in the picture.</p><p>“Doesn’t it exhaust you? Doesn’t it get lonely? When do you make time for yourself?” Argumentative concern sounded a little more accusatory than it should have. </p><p>“Sometimes, never 'cause they're my family, and when I'm with you.” Respective answers to respective questions were simple. </p><p>“Is that enough?” Maura inquired. </p><p>“For me it is.” Jane sighed. “Can you live with that? This is who I am. Who I’ll always be.” </p><p>“I love you for who you are and who you’ll grow to be.” </p><p>“Then you’re all I need to make sure I don’t lose myself worryin’ ‘bout e’rybody else. Don’t ask me to change somethin’ that’s intrinsically part of who I am. Ma, Frankie, and Tommy are all that I have. I’m askin’ you not to make me choose between myself and them because they are part of who <em> I </em>am.” </p><p>“I love and accept all parts of you,” Maura professed. “But you have to share some of the burden with me. You can’t do it all on your own and nor should you have to. I’m right here. I’ll always be here.”  </p><p>“Is this you provin’ that I’m a control freak?” Jane could use a little bit of levity. “You’re gonna start spoutin’ psycho mumbo jumbo aren’t ya? Should I get you a copy of the DSM-5?” </p><p>“Is it working?” Maura chuckled lightly. “And I already have a copy. It’s signed too.” </p><p>“Kinda…” Guilty as charged. “Take a bath with me?” </p><p>“Would you like to dictate the water temperature?” Maura coaxed them out of bed and into the master ensuite. They both groaned as they stood upright for the first time in a couple of hours. </p><p>“You’re a Goddamn comedienne,” Jane deadpanned. </p><p>Maura stepped into the partially filled tub first and groaned as the hot water instantly relaxed her sore muscles. Gracefully sitting, she nudged her head and raised her brow—a silent command for Jane to lay in front. A first in their relationship. </p><p>The sigh of complete and utter peace as Jane leaned back against the warm body behind her was the affirmation that Maura needed. She wrapped pale arms and legs around Jane’s midsection and nuzzled softly against the nape of her neck. Lips brushed lovingly across shoulders. </p><p>Jane eventually succumbed to the safe environment Maura created and laid her head back against a full chest. Her body eased further into the water and more firmly against her supportive backing. Scarred hands that gripped the edge of the tub loosened until they smoothly lowered into the therapeutic wonders of the water. Tension floated away as Jane took solace in her only place of tranquility. As the quiet splashes of water occasionally echoed against marble tiles, Jane gently closed her eyes and let herself be taken care of.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title: Wicked Games by The Weeknd<br/>Thanks for all the feedback &amp; support! Five more until the end.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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